I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes.
She was lack toes intolerant.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey. You know she’s a keeper.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me
..because she calls me her sixty-second lover.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN. I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS! My girlfriend treats me like a god.
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
(Or when Facebook and Instagram are down.)
My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
My girlfriend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend ?
Meat patty.
I’m in a very serious relationship with my girlfriend.
Haven’t laughed in two years.
My girlfriend is leaving me saying I am not American enough.
Saw it coming a kilometer off.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My girlfriend came to me with a balloon that said will you marry me?
So I popped the question.
My wife gets angry that I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a while.
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she’s sangria than ever.
My girlfriend’s cellphone service sucks!
Eight days ago she said, We’re breaking up, the call ended and it’s gone straight to voicemail ever since.
I was shocked the other day when I thought I heard my girlfriend say she wanted to go to see The Monkees tribute band in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face – now I’m in Geneva.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and ultimately I’m perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but my dog ate the ring.
Now it’s a diamond in the ruff.
How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meet Patty.
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.
After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
Yesterday, for Valentine’s Day, I got my girlfriend some new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
I told my girlfriend I think she’s cheating on me.
She told me I sound just like her husband.
My girlfriend says I’m way too condescending…
(That means I speak down to people)
My girlfriend left me because I’m insecure.
Oh wait, she’s back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.
Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee.
But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine is gone.
I said to my girlfriend, If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I’ll move out!
She just laughed and said… That’s a whisk I’m willing to take!
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances.
I said: There’s the door.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed.
I told her it’s unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
After kissing my girlfriend on the sofa she said let’s take this upstairs.
Ok I said You grab one end and I’ll grab the other.
I invited my girlfriend over for dinner to have sausages and mash. I warned her that I’m not a very good cook though.
I wanted her to be prepared for the Wurst.
I introduced my ex-girlfriend to my friends.
My wife scolded me, Don’t call me that.
My mathematician girlfriend broke up with me.
She said something just wasn’t adding up.
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with her x.
How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
Told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
My girlfriend said you act like a detective too much. I want to split up…
Good idea, I replied. That way we can cover more ground.
My girlfriend complains a lot that I don’t smile anymore.
Well she’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, How can I stop my addiction?
Whatever means necessary, she replied.
No it doesn’t, I said.
My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.
Or did she?