Dad jokes are the best kind – they make you squirm at the best of times. Whether that’s because they’re so un-funny that they’re funny, or they’re so rude that they make you want to run a thousand miles away. Here are a selection of our favourite dirty dad jokes to make you squirm… then run away.
- Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
- It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.’ You’re still using fowl language.
- I’ve just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
What do you call the sweat on your father’s balls after he’s had sex with your cousin?
- I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
- My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body. I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
- Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
- What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
- My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.
- My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.
I recently came into a bunch of money.
I usually use paper towels.
- A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep. It was her worst fucking night mare.
- After the divorce my dad ended up just like how he has dessert: no custardy.
- I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’ Stupid firemen.
My dad always used to say: “If your sex doll starts leaking, it’s not sick, it’s full.”
- My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
- A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
- I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.
My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion.
I told her it’s not what it looks like.
- What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
- What’s the difference between a fake dollar and an anorexic prostitute? One is a phony buck.
- What’s the difference between a walrus and a 19th-century prostitute? One is hairy and smells like fish, the other is a walrus.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
- What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
- Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
- What’s the best thing about a gypsy on her period? When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
- Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan.
- What’s a hookers favourite drink? 7 Up in cider.
- What do you call ball’s on your chin? A dick in your mouth!