Dirty dad jokes to make you squirm

Dad jokes are the best kind – they make you squirm at the best of times. Whether that’s because they’re so un-funny that they’re funny, or they’re so rude that they make you want to run a thousand miles away. Here are a selection of our favourite dirty dad jokes to make you squirm… then run away.

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.’ You’re still using fowl language.
I’ve just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

What do you call the sweat on your father’s balls after he’s had sex with your cousin?

Relative humidity.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body. I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.

I recently came into a bunch of money.

I usually use paper towels.

A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep. It was her worst fucking night mare.
After the divorce my dad ended up just like how he has dessert: no custardy.
I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’ Stupid firemen.

My dad always used to say: “If your sex doll starts leaking, it’s not sick, it’s full.”

My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.

More dad jokes >

My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion.

I told her it’s not what it looks like.

What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
What’s the difference between a fake dollar and an anorexic prostitute? One is a phony buck.
What’s the difference between a walrus and a 19th-century prostitute? One is hairy and smells like fish, the other is a walrus.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
What’s the best thing about a gypsy on her period? When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.