Dirty dad jokes to make you squirm

Dad jokes are the best kind – they make you squirm at the best of times. Whether that’s because they’re so un-funny that they’re funny, or they’re so rude that they make you want to run a thousand miles away. Here are a selection of our favourite dirty dad jokes to make you squirm… then run away.

  • Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
  • It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.’ You’re still using fowl language.
  • I’ve just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.

What do you call the sweat on your father’s balls after he’s had sex with your cousin? 

Relative humidity.

  • I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
  • My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body. I guess I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
  • Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

  • What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.
  • My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.
  • My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.

I recently came into a bunch of money.

I usually use paper towels.

  • A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep. It was her worst fucking night mare.
  • After the divorce my dad ended up just like how he has dessert: no custardy.
  • I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get ‘saved’ or you’ll ‘burn.’ Stupid firemen.

My dad always used to say: “If your sex doll starts leaking, it’s not sick, it’s full.”

  • My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues.
  • A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.
  • I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It’s more difficult to deter gents, though.

More dad jokes >

My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion.

I told her it’s not what it looks like.

  • What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, the other’s a great year.
  • What’s the difference between a fake dollar and an anorexic prostitute? One is a phony buck.
  • What’s the difference between a walrus and a 19th-century prostitute? One is hairy and smells like fish, the other is a walrus.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

  • What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
  • Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito? When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
  • What’s the best thing about a gypsy on her period? When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

  • Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan.
  • What’s a hookers favourite drink? 7 Up in cider.
  • What do you call ball’s on your chin? A dick in your mouth!
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