Arse Jokes

What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? His and Hearse.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “Think we should tell him it’s a septic tank?”

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I’d never played before, from ‘Going Home’ and ‘The Lord is My Shepherd’ to ‘Flowers of the Forest.’ I closed the lengthy session with ‘Amazing Grace’ and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “Man, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 20 years.”

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.” The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

The Service The funeral was held way back in the country and the young minister got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place…. but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young minister felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers say, “You know George, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for 25 years, and I ain’t never seen anything like that before; sort of gives new meaning to the term “Holy Crap.”

Q: What do the bathroom doors at the funeral home say? A: His and Hearse.

Now while I enjoy the occasional nonsensical joke (Two ducks are sitting in a bathtub, one says, “Pass the soap,” so the other says, “What do I look like, a typewriter?”), that’s not why I find the “difference between a duck” joke so funny. Now a joke isn’t funny if you have to explain it, but so many people have been expressing their incredulity at it that I feel compelled to defend it (and hopefully clear myself of the charges of witlessness). I always thought it was a very unique kind of joke I haven’t heard any quite like it. First, I think the question itself is funny. Why? Because it just fails to make sense at the last moment. Any way you attempt to parse it you get thrown for a loop. I guess it’s a matter of taste whether you enjoy that or not. The first answer continues in that vein with the same singular/plural confusion: It would make sense if it was “One of its legs is the same as…” or “Both of its legs are the same.” Pieces of it make sense but not the whole put together I think it’s something like a linguistic equivalent of the Penrose triangle. Actually, I think it is the equivalent, because that’s exactly the same sense of amusement I get. The second answer is the same, but additionally you can have fun trying to visualize the ludicrous image of a duck banging its head together when it walks. The last one is just funny because it’s absurd. I can’t explain, just try to imagine acting it out to somebody. By now, apart from thinking the joke is unfunny, you’re also thinking what a loser this guy is trying to explain a bad joke and making a fool of himself in the process, so I’ll just shut up now. But not before telling you the one about… …the Buddhist who walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.” … Oh, and when the guy hands him a hot dog, the Buddhist pays him and asks for his change. So the guy smiles and says, “Change comes from within.”

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

New Math Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Life is like toilet paper…You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some arsehole!

Has anyone else noticed that the symbol ‘&’ looks like a man dragging his arse across the floor?

What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

After a 69 with my gf, I had a dentist appt. Didn’t want the dentist to know so brushed my teeth 5 times. I sat in the dentist chair & dentist asked, “Did you have 69 before you came here?” Shocked I said, “Why can smell it on my breath?” “No, but your forehead smells of arse!”

I went an alcoholics anonymous meeting…Anonymous my arse! All my friends were there!

I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time today.I waved to them, but the ignorant arseholes didn’t even say hello.They just sat, and eagerly awaited my guilty verdict as I stood up in court!

My Uncle John was a shit ventriloquist…He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!

The wife said to me last night, “If you turn the bedside lamp off I’ll take it up the arse!”In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first!

Me: “How much for anal?”Hooker: “Sixty quid.”Me: “That’s a bit expensive. I think I’ll leave it.”Hooker: “Tight arse!”Me: “Go on then, you’ve persuaded me!”

Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried wiping their arse with an iPad!

My mates called me a tight arse, so I decided to buy them a beer to prove I’m not…Turns out they wanted one each!

What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse?A Swiss Army Wife!

I was strip searched by the police. It started out as a routine stop, but I lied and said I had some coke up my arse. They then took me down the station and gave me the full works, fingers up and instruments in…I feel bad but how else is a gay ginger meant to get some action?

I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday…They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the arse crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub…Honestly, the wife’s never looked so good!

Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for fling. Must have large breasts, big lips, a tight arse, and…Fuck sake! Never mind!

I was in a club on last night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, “Give me your number sexy.”I said, “Have you got a pen?”She smiled and said, “Yes.”I said, “Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you’re missing!”

I was driving home from visiting my sister last night and I had a police car right up my arse for the whole journey…I wish her kids would put their bloody toys away!

My wife says I’m a stupid bastard because I keep saying expressions incorrectly…I’m not bothered. It’s like water off a ducks arse!

My new girlfriend says she hates lies, but judging from her reaction to my answer about the size of her arse in her new jeans, the truth doesn’t sit too well with her either!

What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?A Megasorearse!

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!”As soon as I did, she screamed…I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first!

My wife caught me sticking her secret vibrator up my arse. When she came in, she asked me how I found it…I said it was quite nice!

I think my Shetland pony may be coming down with a cold…His main symptom is that he’s a little hoarse!

My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite out of my arsehole.“Don’t let him do that!” she screamed. “It’s disgusting.”“That’s your opinion” I said. “This is his second jar, he absolutely loves the stuff!”

Had my first UFO experience this morning. I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus, “Morning fat arse.”Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse!

When it comes to anagrams, I don’t know my earholes from my arsehole.

My best friend dared me to take a shit on an electrified train track. That’s the last time I put my arse on the line.

Just before I die, I’m going to change my name to OFF’. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers: R.I.P. OFF

Snatch, twat, fanny, cunt, pussy, box, split-arse, and of course vagina. Just a few of the names I have given to my cats.

I’ve fallen in love’ My husband yelled to me as his arse cheeks splashed against the toilet water.

Got let out of prison today. The warden turned and asked “can you take any positives from your time in here?” I smiled “Yeah actually, the wife can’t ever call me a tight arsed bastard again”

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them. Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

“Does my bum look big in this dress?” my wife asked this morning. I said “No, but the dress does look quite small on your arse”.

A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse!

People who refuse to believe I’m an expert at yoga can kiss my arse…And so can I

I was getting smashed in the arsehole the other night when I thought, this is a bit of a funny name for a pub!

At my prostate exam earlier, as the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my arse, he said, “Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”“Just then,” I said. “When your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming!”

What’s small, red and whispers?A hoarse radish.

When the doctor told me that there was a cure for dyslexia,It was music to my arse!

What’s small, red and whispers?A hoarse radish.