A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!” “Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!” The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
- An Asian man walks into the currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, but gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says, “Fluctuations. ” The Asian man says, “Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!”
- I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis… I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.
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If we could shrink the earth’s population to a village of 100 people, with everything else remaining the same, it would look like this: There would be: * 57 Asians * 21 Europeans * 14 from the Western Hemisphere, * 8 Africans, * 52 would be female * 48 would be male * 70 would be non-white * 30 would be white * 70 would be non-Christian * 30 would be Christian * 95 would be heterosexual * 5 would be homosexual * 6 people would own 59% of the world’s wealth, and all 6 would be from the United States * 80 would live in substandard housing * 70 would be unable to read * 50 would suffer from malnutrition * 1 would be near death * 1 would be near birth * 1 would have a college education * 1 would own a computer * 0 would play oboe
Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed. “The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I,” said the president, “but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty.” At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft. “No,” said Bush. “These units are already in the army, aren’t they?” Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army. “Do I think this is a good idea?” asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. “Of course I do. It’s about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, ‘Decaf or regular?’” John Larsson, the Salvation Army’s general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army’s private jet, while on his way to South Asia. “I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ,” he said. “I’m happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme.” The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie’s Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer. In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was “not up to fighting right now, as we’ve been in a slump recently.” Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be “ready for the majors.”
The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.” President Bush says “Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do.” The Saudi whispers “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn’t understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek.” President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, “It’s because it takes place in the future….”
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!””Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Here’s a Plan About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.” So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on euthanasia. The librarian says, “I’ll do my best to assist you”.
Welcome to Asia’s newest billionare. His name is Cha Ching.
I once thought I had a Japanese friend…. But it was just my imagine Asian.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they’re like “It wasn’t that hard”
Apple is coming out with a product for Asians.. The iOpener..
Every time I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome, I wish that the small Asian from “The Hangover” would pop up on their screen and scream, “Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$ckaaaaasss!”
I’m fed up of all this racism. I think we should all come together & unite as one…blacks, whites, Asians…and gang up on the Arabs.
My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, And they’re like “It wasn’t that hard.”
I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this )
Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the Asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
Just drove by an Asian restaurant Wok n’ Roll well played Chinese people. So crever
Asian Pregnancy Test: Insert Rubix cube into Vagina. Pull it out 30 seconds later. If its solved……. you are pregnant.
When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, “Okay let’s do one more but this time don’t squint