Attention Jokes

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay, ” says the lawyer, “your turn”. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you, ” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A man comes up to the cashier and she notices that his fly was open. She looks at him and says, “Your barracks door is open.” This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and told him, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?” The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,”What’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.”Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!”The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the PurpleWombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,”Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm,”Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts –march!”So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears.”Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?””Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s beenacting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.””Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?””It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him.”Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?””Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what thePurple Wombat is!””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked.”Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened.”Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother saysyou’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?””Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!””You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don’t stand up in a boat.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!” For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!” Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted … “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink. One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, “hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye”. The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place. A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying “I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head.” Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head. Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. “hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing”. The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking. The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. “Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!” The regular retorted, “yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!”

1 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3 Life is sexually transmitted. 4 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10 In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal . 11 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out’? 13 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 15 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 16 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19 Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 20 Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Yo mama so poor she can’t afford to pay attention!

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone’s attention. “Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?”, he asks. “What’s he look like?”, asks one shoddy looking cowboy. “Well”, replies the Sheriff. “He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.” “So what’s he wanted for?”, asks the same cowboy. “Rustlin’…”, replies the Sheriff.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either”.

Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?” Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.” Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.” Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”

TWO WOMEN TALKING: Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute! Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking? Woman 1: No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman 2: Are you serious? Your face is adorable. You could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman 1: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine. Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. ================================== TWO MEN TALKING: Man 1: Haircut? Man 2: Yeah.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.” William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.” His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!” The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir, I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks who were in the line ahead of you first. I’m sure we will be able to work something out.” The irate passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention, please,” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F**K YOU!” Without flinching the agent smiled and said, “Sorry sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.” With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling “Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!” She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling “YES, I WIN! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!” With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left. The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, “What the hell did she roll anyway?” The second dealer answered, “I thought you were paying attention!”

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste. Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2″ in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. “Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, and your children – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.” “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. “Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.” One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming. Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple should not be married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers or strippers, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order. When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their attention to consummating the union. Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked “Can I get breakfast for two?”. Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft voice from under the bed said “Make that five…”

PARIS HILTON CALLS FOR END TO SWIFT BOAT FLAP Says It’s drawing Attention Away From Her Hotel heiress and reality TV star Paris Hilton today called for an end to the controversy over Sen John Kerry’s Vietnam War service, warning that the continuing swift boat flap was drawing attention away from her. Speaking at a press conference in Washington, Ms. Hilton told reporters that the controversy “has overshadowed the issues that really matter to the American people, such as my messy break-up with Nick. (Singer Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys.) Ms. Hilton also said she had experienced “a significant and troubling decline” in ambushes from paparazzi ever since the swift boat brouhaha began. In an effort to blunt the controversy stoked by the group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Ms. Hilton announced today that she and her sister Nicky had founded a new political action committee called Hotel Heiresses Against Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Ms. Hilton picked up an important backer later in the day when actress Lindsay Lohan voiced her support for the tabloid princess’s decision to take on the swift boat veterans. “Before the whole swift boat thing came up, people were obsessed with whether or not I had my breasts augmented,” Ms. Lohan said. “I’m deeply concerned that the nation seems to have lost focus on that.” “If these swift boat veterans were really for truth, they’d want to know the facts about my boobs,” she added. In other political news, the Republican national Committee announced today that President George W. Bush’s acceptance speech at the convention next week would be simulcast in plain English.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?” Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

Tick – Tock There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, “Tick – Tock” over and over. After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn’t even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying,”Tick…Tick…Tick…” The German officer in charge went up to him and said, “You thinks you iss so schmart! But I’m telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!”

A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son… “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” Without looking up from his game, the boy pointed out, “When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States.”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, “What’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. “Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, “Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm, “Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts — march!” So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. “Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?” “Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s been acting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.” “Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?” “It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.” The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. “Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?” “Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’s office and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked. “Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!” So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. “Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother says you’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?” “Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!” Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.” Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.” It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.” Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.” The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.” Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.” Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.” It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.” The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.” It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’t know how to swim, so he drowned.

Mind Games for Dogs 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about. 4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 6. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on. One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. “Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.” A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew. An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?” “Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked. “Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days. And at the end of the day, after he ran each one of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line. Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, “I’ll bet you’re wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!” With a straight face the Private replied, “Sir, No sir! When I get out of the army, I’m never gonna stand in another line again!”

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). b.. Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.” d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.” e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.” f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.” g.. The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.” h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.” The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.” The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Excellent trade, sir.”

I was really struggling to get my wife’s attention…So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick!

When I first joined the army, our sergeant major made us all line up and stand up straight…I thought he was just an attention seeker!

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.He said, “I’m not happy.”I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

I think my Gentleman’s garden needs a bit of attention…I got a hard on earlier, and it looked like Pinnochio had joined the Taliban!

I thought I heard my next-door neighbours shagging last night. All I could hear was moaning and loud banging on the wall. It turns out her elderly mother had fallen in the bedroom and was trying to get my attention with her stick…Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

I was struggling to get my wifes attention… So I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick!

Now pay attention 007. These Ray Ban sunglasses and Rolex watches are indistinguishable from the real thing…Now go wandering around the bars of Benidorm and try and flog as many as possible!

A drunk man staggers into a church, sits down in a confession box & says nothing. The priest coughs to get his attention, but the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall 3 times. The drunk eventually replies, “No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either!”

I thought I hadn’t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.

ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!

ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !

A woman’s cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs.

Too many girls want attention, not enough want respect!

If anything I post offends you, please, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

Some people might as well post “Wants Attention” as their Facebook status

I’d have a longer attention span if things weren’t so shiny

What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don’t know about you is what makes you interesting.

“International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…”

Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having

Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is… And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

Boobs are proof that guys can pay attention to two things at once

A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn’t get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers.

Attention, guys wearing “skinny Jeans”, you took the phrase “getting into her pants” the wrong way

It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian “kill” scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I’ll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion

Suicide Bomber Training: “Pay attention because I’m only going to show you this once…”

Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom’s on Mother’s Day because that is what they are going to look like!

ATTENTION: upon further consideration I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.

If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women

So, Thor is going to be female from now on. I bet Chris Hemsworth wishes he’d paid more attention to the small print when signing that Avengers contract

Itis sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her iI need attentioni Facebook picture.

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.

My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don’t need to dress half naked to get a man’s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…

Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the Like’ button is below)

If you’re in a relationship. I don’t know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe

The worst part about being introduced to new people is the panic moment where I think “Pay attention! Pay attention!!!” and miss their name.

Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.

Attention friends who don’t understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it’s beyond your skill level.

“I am cleaning up my friends list” should be changed to “I’m notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me.”

Attention all employees. Asst. Morgon was found in the dumpster this morning, murdered and the oxygen tank missing.

How do you get a country girls attention?A Tractor.

I have the attention of a goldfish.Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

How do you get a country girls attentionA tractor.

I was really struggling to get my wife’s attention….So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

I was really struggling to get my wife’s attention….So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

I have the attention of a goldfish.Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

I am so poor.I can’t even pay attention.

This morning on the way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.He said, I’m not happy.I said, Well, which one are you then?

I was really struggling to get my wife’s attention.So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

How do you get a farm girl’s attention?A tractor.

I have the attention of a goldfish.Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.