Babies Jokes

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. “Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?” “Yes, dear,” replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter. “But then when I have a baby,” the teenager pondered, “won’t it knock all my teeth out?”

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!” The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!” The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.” “So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!” “Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry Son, your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.” The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.” A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, “Awww, just scaring the hell out of college kids!”

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. I’ve come to……” “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in. “Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.” “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”. After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?” “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too ….you can really spread out!” “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.” “Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.” “My, my, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith. “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.” “Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus.” “Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” “She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith. “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.” “Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. “Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your um…equipment ?” “That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.” “Tripod?? “Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?…..Good Lord, she’s fainted!!

Three babies are in their mother’s womb. One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.” The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.” Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

Chuck Norris likes knitting sweaters…… if by knitting you mean kicking and by sweaters you mean babies……

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. “I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity. “Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. “Go see if that was a duck, will you?”

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you get another dog?? 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but not least: 14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

True or False 1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 2. Alfred Hitchcock did not have a bellybutton. 3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more. 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart! 6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old. 9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines. 10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 11. The average housefly lives for one month. 12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the Rabbit and the Parrot. 19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in “An Officer and a Gentleman” and “Tootsie”. 20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used instead of real milk. 22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash. 23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor. 24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins. 26. If coloring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be Green. Answers: All of the above are true. Don’t you just love number sixteen?

Why do people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up every two hours…

Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

I’ve decided I’m not going to have kids. I love babies, but I’m just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said Copy’ the other Paste’. That made my day.

Def Need a ” facebook filter” to prevent all the weddings and babies from showing up on my feed.

I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies… and idiots!

Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.

The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.

I can’t stand when people say a babies age in months after a year old. “Yeah he’s 29 months old”, B$tch don’t make me do math.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

Small babies are delivered by a stork.For larger babies they use a crane.

What do you call a group of babies?An infantry.