Bait Jokes

  • An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the ship. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000….please advise.” The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

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  • A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. “I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!” “Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said. The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
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  • A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, To which the boy replied, “Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
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  • There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.” Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.” The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?” “Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”
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  • More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. “This,” he said, showing him a rope, “is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.” “I see,” said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. “And what do you use for bait?”
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  • The Amazing Magical Snake Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
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  • You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… Baptism is referred to as “branding”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now Ya Hear!”
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  • Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here’s how… An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn’t pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the brightest light bulb. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not playing with all 52 cards. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few feathers short of a full pillow. Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot. A few links short in a chain. A door without a handle. A few bits short of a byte.
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  • A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.” As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.” So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”
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  • How to Survive in the South If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here. If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say. Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonder’. Only a Southerner knows exactly how long directly’ is, as in: Going to town, be back directly.’ Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right near’ and “a right far piece.” They also know that just down the road’ can be 1 mile or 20. Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash. A Southerner knows that fixin’ can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y’all need a sign to hang on y’alls front porch that reads, “I ain’t from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.”
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  • Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re drunk!”
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  • You might be a redneck if …. You’ve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table. Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings. You’ve ever re-used a paper plate. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. If you’ve ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. Your turkey platter is an old hub cap. Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them. Your stuffing’s secret ingredient comes from the bait shop. Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup. Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge. The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. Your secret family recipe is illegal. You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.
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  • How to Survive in the South If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four wheel drive pickup with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All ya’ll” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?” Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can’t understand you either. Be advised that “He needed killin’” is a valid defense here. If you hear a southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this,” stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he’ll ever say.
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  • I went fishing today and ate my maggots by mistake…Now I’m waiting in hospital with baited breath!
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  • Can someone tell me if it’s true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to to warm them up?Awaiting a reply with baited breath!
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  • Going fishing tomorrow and wondered if it was safe to keep the maggots in my mouth to keep them warm? Can anyone let me know. I wait with baited breath!
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