Beet Jokes

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

An orchestra is playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. There is a passage in the middle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do.So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while one says, “Hey, we better get going.”But another says, “No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor’s sheet music together, so we’ll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out.”So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to their places. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests… – The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. – Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. – Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. – All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. – Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue. – Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. – A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. – Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. – Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. – I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say. – Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. – Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.

q: what’s brown and sits on the piano, steaming ? a: Beethoven’s 1st movement.

Beethoven’s Ninth The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!” “No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist, “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.” A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. “Well, of course,” said her companion, “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A little while into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a frustrated look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie’s belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

Just found out who’s been stealing my beetroot…I caught them red handed!

I answered the door this morning.A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat twat…Apparently there’s a nasty bug going round!

A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? BANANANANAAAAA.

A dung beetle walks into a bar…… looks around and then asks, Is this stool taken?

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: Is this stool taken?

Why do clumsy farmers make good DJs?They’re always dropping the beets.

A dung beetle walks in to a bar.He asks the bartender “Is this stool taken?”