Birthday Jokes

  • I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family. “And son,” he said, “be sure you marry a woman with small hands.” “How come, Grandpa?” I asked. “It makes your pecker look bigger.” Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

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  • D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A’S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat. A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
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  • A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds. That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try. Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished. “Considering you’ve never even sat on a horse before,” said Tommy’s friends, “how on earth did you manage that?” “Easy,” said Tommy, “my wife’s an epileptic.”
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  • All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when George’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. “Grandma, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?” Granny looked into George’s eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.”
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  • A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?” Cabby: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right – all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.” Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.” Cabby: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy” Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special” Cabby: “There’s more…….He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.” Passenger. “Wow, some guy then.” Cabby: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake” Passenger. “Mmm, there’s not many like him around.” Cabby: “And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.” Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” Cabby: “Well, I never actually met Frank.” Passenger: “Then how do you know so much about him?” Cabby: “I married his freakin’ widow.”
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  • One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy Shop and asks the sales person, “How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?” The salesperson answers, “Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Ballerina Barbie For $19.95 Astronaut Barbie for $19.95 Skater Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.” The amazed father asks: “It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?” The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir…,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s nuts.”
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  • Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As Iwalked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday!”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said,”You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday…let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…… followed by my wife, children, dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday……. And I just sat there……. on the couch……. naked.
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  • FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!
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  • The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, “Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?” Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”
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  • The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look !” she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. “And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services are pending.
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  • A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.
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  • When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprisedat you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?” Mom smiled and then replied…..”I remember.”
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  • A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out “Perhaps you should hear how all this came about…” “I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the colour didn’t suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use anymore ?
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  • A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic,but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.” “These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.” “I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. ” “When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. ” “Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. “
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  • Long ago, Chuck Norris didn’t care about remembering when Jesus’ birthday was so he just so happened to send him a birthday card on December 25th. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Christmas.
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  • A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35” was the reply. “I’m actually 47 years old” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about 29” This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says “You are 47 years old.” Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in the Chip shop”
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  • Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are. ” The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!” “How in the world did you guess?” The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.”
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  • A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!” While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.” They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?” He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says. “I was behind you in McDonald’s!”
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  • A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday. So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.
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  • A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29”. “I am actually 47.” Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your stuff for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.” As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.” Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you at McDonalds.”
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  • Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.” The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
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  • Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom. Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex’s his Christmas cards. Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s even suspicious of his dog’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn’t measurably affect the value of his house. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver. Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn’t bother asking him to take out the trash. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, ‘Boy’. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up. Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he’d still be wealthier than anyone you know. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of ‘Titanic’ recreated live for his birthday. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn’t matter if no one paid to see him. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don’t mean a toy train. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press’s silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.
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  • For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.” The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?” Little Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!”
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  • A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?” The boy shook his head, “No.” “Then what kind of card is it that you want?” asked the clerk. The boy answered wistfully, “Got anything in the line of blank report cards?”
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  • A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.” The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.” As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.” The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” said the bartender. As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.” The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
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  • The Blonde and the Job Interview A Blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The Blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying… “Ehhhh… 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?” The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces…”Five foot two!” This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or lookup. “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?” The Air head bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying…”Mandy!” The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, “What were you doing when I asked you your name?” “Ohhhh, that!” replies the Air head,” I was just running through that song…’Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….’ “
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  • On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
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  • This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?
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  • Bank Name Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday. “Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. “It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.” Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’ After a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy.’
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  • Two old guys were chatting….. One said to the other: “My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV”. Other guy responded: “Wow, that’s amazing!!….. Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!” First guy: “Yup !!…. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!”
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  • A man received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
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  • It’s absolutely ridiculous they already have birthday cards in the shops and it isn’t my birthday until next August!
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  • My wife wants something shiny for her birthday that goes from 0 to 150 in less than 4 seconds…I’ve got her a some bathroom scales!
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  • I’m in trouble with the wife again. I bought her some lorry oil for her birthday…Apparently it’s pronounced ‘L’Oreal’.
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  • What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?Forget it once!
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  • I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday. “Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely,” she replied…Kinder Egg it is then!
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  • My daughter asked for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop. They were £70…Bugger this I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web!
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  • My daft friend asked me if I wanted to come to her dog’s birthday party on Saturday. Weirdo!My cat gets married then anyway!
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  • It’s my wifes birthday today, so I’m taking her out tonight to that place where you can drink as much as you like for £3…The swimming baths!
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  • My girlfriend asked me to check a notification on her phone. I asked her what her password was and she said it was easy – her birthday…Fucking hell. Please help!
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  • I’m not saying the wife is thick, but I bought her a vibrator for her birthday and she chipped all her teeth on it!
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  • It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogs all over our house…So I got her a magazine rack!
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  • My missus winked at me and said, “I’d love a big stiff cock for my birthday.”Well she can fuck off if she thinks I’m paying for a sex change for her!
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  • The man who invented the tennis ball serving machine had his birthday today…Many happy returns!
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  • It’s my old Mum’s birthday tomorrow and we are having some family around. I know that as we raise our glasses to her, she’ll be looking down on us and smiling…We really must get that stairlift fixed!
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  • I only ever eat cake on two occasions…When it’s my birthday and when it’s not my birthday!
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  • We have a 99 year old man in our darts team so as a surprise we are going to fulfil his wish of spending his centenary birthday in the Caribbean…He’s going to be 100 in Haiti!
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  • My mate said he has just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday…I think he must be going soft in his old age!
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  • Today was my son’s fourth birthday party. I didn’t recognise him at first…I’d never seen him be four!
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  • Last year my wife was furious that I missed her birthday, and insisted that in future I should plan at least two months in advance. Well it’s her birthday in 8 weeks time, and I’m pleased to say I’ve already bought her her present…She’s going to absolutely love these flowers!
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  • l asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”So, I bought her nothing!
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  • The bloke who invented the automatic tennis serving machine is celebrating his birthday…Many happy returns!
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  • I’ve opened three birthday cards and I’m already £150 up…I love being a postman!
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  • I got my wife a metal detector as a birthday present, but she didn’t like it…Strange as she always likes to dig up things from the past!
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  • We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday…You should have seen their little faeces light up!
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  • My wife wanted a green jumper for her birthday…So I bought her a frog!
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  • I went to a really trendy nightclub last night. The doorman said to me, “Sorry mate, I can’t let you in, you’ve had too many!”I said, “What, drinks?”He said “No, birthdays!”
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  • I thought I hadn’t been paying my wife much attention recently so, as it was her birthday on Friday, I decided I would give her a ring as a present.Amazingly, that started another row. Because I rang her from the pub.
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  • I bought my wife a pen for her birthday. I should have got a better one though, she keeps getting out.
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  • My wife threw me out, divorced me and left me with nothing and nowhere to stay. All I have to my name is the tent she bought me for my last birthday, but I refuse to dwell on the past. I’m living in the present.
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  • All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards. I found it really hard to deal with.
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  • My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday. I couldn’t find the words to thank them.
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  • It’s my wife birthday coming up and she keeps going on about how bad I am at buying presents. Well this year she’s in for a rude awakening. I’m buying her a Tourettes alarm clock.
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  • All I got my wife for her birthday was a mirror. That’ll show her who’s boss.
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  • I asked my mum what she had bought me for my birthday? She said, “I’ve bought you an Apple Mac.” Most people would be over the moon with hearing this, I’m not ’cause… My name is Mac.
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  • I can’t help but be disappointed at the brand new Rolex I received for my birthday from the lesbian couple next door. … I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”
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  • My girlfriend is turning 32 soon… …. I’ve told her not to get her hopes up. “After all,” I say, “we’re only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.” When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, “This is your thirty-second birthday.”
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  • My girlfriend gave me three subtle hints about what she would like for her birthday: It begins with a D’ It vibrates It’s a girl’s best friend I’m pretty certain I know exactly what she’s getting at. A new dishwasher.
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  • I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
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  • I think its my mom’s birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.
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  • My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
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  • Happy Birthday Girlfrien. I didn’t put the D because you’ll get that later.
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  • That one day of fame on Facebook when it is your birthday.
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  • I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.
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  • The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. very nice, but i think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch!
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  • To the people who have birthdays this week… your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine’s Day!
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  • Two things I will never grasp in life: 1. What to write in birthday cards. 2. What to do when people are singing happy birthday to me.
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  • Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE
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  • I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.
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  • I’ve saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!
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  • For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…
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  • I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone having a birthday today.. since they only get 1 birthday every 4 years..
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  • 10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
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  • I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn’t impressed, but it’s not every day he turns 4.
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  • I hardly know you… but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
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  • Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks “hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?” Never give two names……ever.
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  • George Lucas, the creator of “Star Wars,” is 70 years old today. George didn’t bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.
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  • I’m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
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  • Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fcuk me the pass the parcel was quick!
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  • Happy birthday to England’s Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.
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  • I’d like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!
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  • That awkward moment when your friends are singing “happy birthday to you” and you don’t know where to look.
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  • Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people’s FB walls for their birthday other than “Happy Birthday!”
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  • I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, “Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas.”
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  • The best part of the birthday notifier on Facebook is, I meet people that I didn’t even know were on my friends list.
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  • Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn’t read a single one)
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  • My birthday is coming up and I’m mostly just anxious about all the people on Facebook who are about to pretend to like me.
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  • Person: I like your name. Me: thanks, I got it for my birthday
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  • Facebook has pretty much made it impossible to ever again say, “I had no idea it was your birthday!”
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  • I’m pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday….. I should probably “unblock” them and check.
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