Blanket Jokes

What happens if you plug your electric blanket into the toaster? You pop up all night.

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands ! from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. “But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…” “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T! SIT YOU’RE A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE HE@# UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?” and…they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story? —

How do you make anti-freeze? Take away her blanket.

Q: How do you make anti-freeze? A: Take away her blanket.

Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, and the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, “I don’t want to complain, but I think the other two girls used their arms.”

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. “Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?” “Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he ain’t gonna notice you here with me.” The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. “Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!” “Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.” Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!” “Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.” The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, four… By gosh, you’re right, dear!”

Getting a Tan It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. “I’ve been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color,” he said. “And I’m going to get it – even if it’s blue.”

Feline Physics Law of Cat Inertia – A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, ora nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion – A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism – All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics – Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching – A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping – All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Refrigerator Observation – If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction – Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking – A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy – All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment – A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Cat Disinterest – A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection – Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition – A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter. Law of Cat Elongation – A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction – A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. Law of Cat Acceleration – A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance – Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration – No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance – A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation – Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation – Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Milk Consumption – A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement – A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing – A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Fluid Displacement – A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Politically Correct Guide To Guys He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist. He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations. You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange. He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive. He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American. He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships. He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion. He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative. He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy. He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.

What do you get when you cross yarn with a turtle? A slow-poke blanket!

I just rushed home from work, pulled my wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over us. She said, ” I’m shocked. You haven’t been like this for 20 years.” Then I said, “Look at my new watch. It glows in the dark!”

As a small boy, I shared a bed with my 5 big brothers, and an old raincoat instead of a blanket…It was tough growing up in the hood!

My missus has left me due to my obsession with blankety blank…What makes it worse is she took all the _________ with her!

Due to severe weather conditions the Government has issued this warning:Anyone travelling should take blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24 hr food supply, 3 ltrs of water, safety triangle, tow rope, & a set of jump leads…I looked a right knob on the bus this morning!

I just saw a shoplifter stealing a turkey from Tesco and running out the store being chased by security.I yelled at him, “What are you doing with that?”He shouted back, “Potatoes, sprouts and pigs in blankets!”

Last Christmas I gave my elderly neighbour a prostitute and a duvet, which surprised him as he’d actually asked for a tartan blanket!

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

Any man that believes women are “the weaker sex” has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.

I always thought by 2013 we would have flying cars. Instead, we have blankets with sleeves.

Blanket on: too hot, Blanket off: too cold, 1 leg out: perfect, until the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it & drags you down the hall.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!

When told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.

Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.

To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .

I used to work at a blanket factory…but then it folded.

My friend says quilts are better than duvets; I told them to be careful making blanket statements like that.

How do you make antifreeze?Steal her blanket.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?Oh Sheet!

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.But I will recover.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.But I will recover.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?Oh sheet.