Brow Jokes

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn’t pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?” Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price.”

WHAT’S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes. WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it. WHAT’S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it. WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? So brunettes can remember them. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible. WHAT’S A BRUNETTE’S MATING CALL? “Has the blonde left yet? ” WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their moustache.

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!” “Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. “Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman. “Do you know anything about this at all?” “No, constable”, said the man. “Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

Q: What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray? A: A box of crayons.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”

If Recipes were like tax forms…. * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.) * Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste. * Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater. * Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551. * Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional. Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups. Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour. * Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions. * Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt. * Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions. * Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.) * Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.” * Line 11. Add vanilla. * Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder. * Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a). * Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray? A box of crayons.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one night before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?” Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads.”

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. “That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. “I’m getting a Fax,” he explains

Whats brown & sticky? A stick.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone’s attention. “Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?”, he asks. “What’s he look like?”, asks one shoddy looking cowboy. “Well”, replies the Sheriff. “He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.” “So what’s he wanted for?”, asks the same cowboy. “Rustlin’…”, replies the Sheriff.

What’s Brown and sounds like a bell?…DUNG!

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

Come And Visit Often Pardon Me For Not Getting Up – I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing – Permanently Don’t Come In Yet – Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Wishing You Were Here Sad As It Is, I’ll Never Yell At You Again Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. — Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde) John Brown is filling his last cavity. — Dentist’s Tombstone I told you that I was sick! — Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. — Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. — Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. — Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. — England Tombstone Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. — Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. — England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. — Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In “The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising. Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, “Hey! What do you have in the bag?” The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you’ll have to give me one.” The man says, “I’ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”

Three men – an American, a Japanese and an Irishman – were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager,” he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.” The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said, “Well, will you look at that. I’m getting a fax.”

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?” “Yeah,” says the other cowboy. “Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.” Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.” “Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!” The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts… 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?” The parrot says, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “Holy crap,” the guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!” “I got every word,” says the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.” “Oh yeah?” the guy asks, “Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?” “Well,” the parrot says, “this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.” “Wow,” says the guy. “You really can understand and speak English can’t you?” “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.” The guy looks at the $200 price tag. “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” “Pssssssst,” says the parrot, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!” The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot issensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, “psssssssssssst,” and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.” “What are you talking about?” asks the guy. “When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.” “WHAT???” the guy asks incredulously. “THEN what happened?” “Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot. “Oh No!,” he exclaims. “Then what?” “Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down….” “WELL,” demands the frantic guy, “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?” “Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those Symbolize?” The man replied, “They’re Carols”.

what’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. “I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?” “Well, we work for the county,” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?” “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us — me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.” “Now, just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps… ..He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat….”

Q: Why are crocodiles brown and flat? A: Because if they were yellow and round, they’d be lemons.

There was a young couple living in an old run down house. One day the man gets home from work and his wife says, “Honey, look at the walls. They haven’t been painted as long as we have lived here. It’s peeling and cracking; couldn’t you please just paint them?” “Who do I look like? Michelangelo?” the man replies. “I guess not”, says the wife. The next day the man gets back from work again. Again his wife starts to complain. “Oh sugar, couldn’t you just please at least repair the stairs? They’re falling apart and they’re really unsafe to walk up.” The man says, “Who do I look like? Frank Lloyd Wright?” “Well, maybe not,” says the wife. The next week the man returns from his job. He walks into his house and is suddenly amazed. The stairs are fixed, the walls were painted and the house looked superb. “Honey…..How did you do this? It looks great!” he says. “Well I met up with a handyman down the street. He offered to repair our house if I either bake him a batch of brownies or sleep with him” says the wife. “Well, honey, you baked the batch of brownies, right?” The wife replies, “Who do I look like, Sara Lee?”

q: what’s brown and sits on the piano, steaming ? a: Beethoven’s 1st movement.

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, “Hi, I’m a zebra! What are you?” “I’m a cow.” “Right, right. What do you do?” “I make milk for the farmer.” “Cool.” The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I’m a chicken.” “Oh, right. What do you do?” “I make eggs for the farmer.” “Right, great, see ya round.” Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra. What are you?” “I am a Stallion,” said the stallion. “Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?” “Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

Condition One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

New Old Sayings Anywhere you hang your @ is home. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the root of all directories. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. The modem is the message. Too many clicks spoil the browse. The geek shall inherit the earth. A chat has nine lives. Don’t byte off more than you can view. Fax is stranger than fiction. What boots up must come down. Windows will never cease. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). Virtual reality is its own reward. Modulation in all things. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. There’s no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) Know what to expect before you connect. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. Speed thrills. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

What is brown and sticky? A stick!

Always wear brown shoes when Congress is in session. If the First Daughters are wearing short skirts, it really doesn’t matter what *you* wear. Never wear an outfit the same shade as the day’s Homeland Security alert level. Fuschia doesn’t work when your husband is draping himself in the flag. Avoid wearing colors your husband can’t pronounce.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says “Ask him again!” The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens !” The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Q: How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear? A: Climb a tree. If the bear climbs up and eats you, it’s a brown bear. If the bear knocks the tree down and eats you, it’s a grizzly.

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks – this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade. NOTHING This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine” GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine” GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing” SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT’S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.” GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay” THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing”

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly. Oliver’s Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move 1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. 2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!” Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, “Mine are full of bodies,” then stutter and say, “I uh mean other garbage,” walk away laughing hysterically. 5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, “looks like they’re on the move again.” 7. When they’re watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. 16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly. 17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled “his wife is here with his lunch”.

Q: What’s brown, red, black and blue? A: A Brunette who’s been tellin one too many blonde jokes.

My nephew fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead…My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

I received a brown envelope through the door this morning that said ‘Do not bend!’I thought, “How am I going to pick that up then?”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high…She looked surprised!

During breakfast my wife told me that she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter…I nearly choked on my #brown

My missus said, “Will you shut up about snooker and make love to me!”“Of course love,” I replied. “Would you prefer I took the easy pink or shall I try for the tight brown?”

My girlfriend announced over breakfast that she’s leaving me because she says I’m obsessed with twitter…I nearly choked on my #Brown

The postman posted a brown envelope through the door this morning that said ‘Do not bend!’I thought, “How am I going to pick that up then?”

My nephew fell asleep at a Boxing Day house party we had, so for a laugh I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his forehead…My sister went mad when she looked in his pram!

What’s brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with “C” and ends with “T”, and has a “U” and an “N” in it? A coconut.

I always get worried when I hear Chris Brown has a new hit out. I bet it’s an uppercut

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject, these days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.

Women these days…..some of their eyebrows looks like they are sponsored by NIKE.

Women who say the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach hasn’t seen his browser history.

So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called “Ain’t nobody’s business.” Well, I just wrote my own song called, “Ain’t Nobody Cares!”

Before Chris Brown did a concert with them,,, they were just known as “The Peas”.

Baby your dirtier than my browsers history!

This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, “Good Morning Sexy.” I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together……i think its a cover of Britney’s, “Hit me baby one more time”

We Found Love in a Swollen Face Chris Brown ft. Rihanna

Women! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and c**ts, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, lips tattooed, legs waxed and they won’t take it up the a$$ cause it hurts’.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, I think you should be brave enough to ask that girl out.

Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating…

I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown’s greatest HITS CD.

Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.She seemed surprised.

What’s brown and sticky?A stick.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.She looked surprised!!

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?Dr. Dre.

I spent the morning down at the beach feeding cannabis laced brownies to the seabirds.No tern was left unstoned.

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?An elephant with diarrhea…

Told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.She looked surprised.

I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but these days when you mention Botox....no one even raises an eyebrow.

Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar?Demerara.

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me Do you need help?I said, Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.

I just burned 2000 calories in two minutes.Wow. How did you do that?I forgot to take my brownies out the oven.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.She looked surprised.

I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.She seemed surprised.