Bulb Jokes

Q: Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb? A: Because he was in need of a light snack.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but they have to be very tiny

What did the lightbulb say to its mother? I wuv you watts and watts.

How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a light bulb? One. He just puts it in the socket and lets the world turn around him.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: You wanna go ride bikes?!

How manyh grad students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes 7 years.

Q: How many Chuck Norris’ does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Q: What did the lightbulb say to its mother? A: I wuv you watts and watts.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? THATS NOT FUNNY (must yell it)

How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? One.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired, “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?” “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor asks, “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?” “What? And work in the dark?”

Age Barometer Total the number of these that you remember: 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H; Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi’s 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 You’re still young. If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older. If you remembered 11-15 Don’t tell your age. If you remembered 16-25 You’re older than dirt!.

A Mother’s Quotes PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!” MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?” MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?” HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!” COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!” BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!” MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?” NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!” CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you-don’t go biting off more than you can chew!” ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?” BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.” MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.” BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?” GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?” LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!” ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?” GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!” JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.” SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?” THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here’s how… An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn’t pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the brightest light bulb. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not playing with all 52 cards. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few feathers short of a full pillow. Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot. A few links short in a chain. A door without a handle. A few bits short of a byte.

Q: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A penguin

Q. When is a retiree’s bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it might take all day. Q. What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done. Q. Why don’t retirees mind being called senior citizens? A. The term comes with a 10% discount. Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes. Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time. Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A. NUTS! Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Q. What do retirees call a long lunch? A. Normal Q. What is the best way to describe retirement? A. The never-ending Coffee Break. Q. What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Q: How many Kings of Spain does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Juan

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

Strange Page One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by “Lucille.” He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. “She don’t never leave no number, so I can’t call her back,” he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn’t leave a number. “She leaves her name,” was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. “How does she spell her name?” the service rep asked. “L-O-W C-E-L-L” Another technical problem solved.

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking about their dads. Lil Johnny; My daddy is tougher than yours! Arnie; No way bud, my daddy is bad! Lil Johnny; I’m telling you man, my dad is badder than yours. Arnie; Man, my dad is so bad he took the motor out of his car with his bare hands and threw it on the ground! THATS how bad he is! Lil Johnny; Man that is pretty bad, but my dad is badder than that! Arnie;Oh yaeh? How’s that? Lil Johnny;My dad is so bad that he eats light bulbs. Arnie; Huh? No way. Have you seen him do that? Lil Johnny; No, but I was passing by him and mom’s bedroom door the other night and heard him tell mom “Turn out that light so I can eat that thing,” THAT’s how bad he is!

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two – One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.

Here’s a Plan About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.” She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.” So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll need a ladder to reach the high notes!

How many piccolo players does it take to change a light bulb? Three: one to change the bulb, and two to argue about the tempo!

How many piccolo players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they’ll play a high C for every twist!

I’m not saying my wife’s a fat cunt…But I’ve had to put an energy-saving bulb in the fridge!

I’m in hospital. Dont Panic. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb…Doctors say I’ll be out in the spring!

Just wanted everyone to know that I have been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in.I have only gone and poisoned myself with what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb…They said I should be out sometime in the spring!

The wife said to me last night, “If you turn the bedside lamp off I’ll take it up the arse!”In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first!

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…My whole life has become a joke!

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my arse!”As soon as I did, she screamed…I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first!

I’m in hospital with food poisoning. I mistook some daffodill bulbs for onions…The doctor said I should be out in the spring!

Yesterday evening, I had to change a light bulb. A bit later on, I crossed the road and walked into a bar. My life is one big joke

“Any two-watt bulbs?” “For what?” “That’ll do. I’ll take two.” “Two what?” “I thought you didn’t have any.” “Any what?” “Yes, please.”

How many dancers does it take to change a Light bulb ? 5,6,7,8.

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?……No one knows they never keep the house!

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?… 1 or 2? 1… or 2?

Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.

How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb ?And a one and a two, and a one, two, three,four.

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?Do your own research.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?Just Juan.

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulbToo.

My wife wanted to brighten up the garden.So I planted some bulbs.

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb?Nun!

How many optometrist does it take to screw in a light bulb?One…or two. One…or two.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?Just Juan.