Bun Jokes

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a bunch of dead babies? I don’t have a Mercedes in my garage.

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, “What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?” “Ya mean women?” asked the cowboy. “We ain’t got none. ‘Round here folks shag sheep.” “That’s disgusting,” cried the correspondent, “I’ve never heard of such moral degredation.” However, after a few months, the correspondent’s balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. “You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled. “You’ve been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I’m some sort of crazy pervert!” One cowboy spoke up, “Yeah, but that’s the sheriff’s gal!”

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I’m getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing. The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.” I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.” Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up. Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

Did you know that the U.S. government is working on a project to control mosquitoes? They are going to put tiny little cow bells on them, so you can hear where they are. So far, all they have is a bunch of humdingers.

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?” ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!” ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal? ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money. ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything. COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind. ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, “Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?”

A father asked his 10 year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!” Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘there’s no Santa speech’. At seven, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech’. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy speech’. Now if you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. Variants Girlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at mycash.com, later versions of Girlfriend exploit the same resources using more sophisticated methods. Live_in (any version) uses different profiles and is targeted at mywayoflife.com. Missus 2.7 is the current variant in which the cooking/cleaning/nookie features are much less effective but the resource consumption is two orders of magnitude greater Also known as SWMBO, ‘er indoors, the totty, the little woman. Distribution The Girlfriend variants have sometimes been bundled with got-drunk, went clubbing and chatted_up_sister’s_mate. The parasitic forms (Live-in and Missus) are invariably self-installing, exploiting any firewall deficiencies to immediately grab Administrator privileges and closing out any other Administrator access. What it does Missus is a blended threat and operates phased attack: 1. It progressively closes all access to any competing products. 2. It grabs access to all available resources 3. It uninstalls the “toys and gadgets” folder completely, and then reprogrammes the firewall to block any related addresses. 4. It installs “soft furnishings.dll” and “redecorate.vxd” (the virtual driver being recursed on a 12-month cycle). 5. It closes down un-wanted processes like pubnight, havefun, watchfootie etc. 6. Having achieved the above it spawns new sub-processes to consolidate its control. 7. It may install parasitic programmes and spyware like In-Laws 1.0 Privacy violation Only for the first few months – after that it prohibits any violation of its privacy. Security issues Yes, your security of title and tenure is severely threatened by the prospect of CPA.VXD. Stability problems Very unstable – prone to spontaneous breakdown without cause. Recovery only possible by allocating ever more resources and granting greater privileges. These steps are non-reversible. Removal Generally regarded as impossible, although some have succeeded through faking death or assuming a new identity. Links Only for the first few months – then discouraged or prohibited.

On a train there were a bunch of Liberal Arts Majors and a bunch of computer engineers who were headed to a big computer convention. Each of the Liberal Arts Majors had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The Liberal Arts Majors started laughing and making fun of them, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the designated lookout, said “here comes the conductor”, all of the engineers ran into the bathroom and locked the door. The Liberal Arts Majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said “tickets please”, and got tickets from all of the Liberal Arts Majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said “ticket please”. The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor picked it up and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom. The Liberal Arts Majors felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of Liberal Arts Majors decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again, the Liberal Arts Majors started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said “Conductor coming!”, all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the Liberal Arts Majors went to the other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on the Liberal Arts Majors bathroom, and said “Ticket please!”

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt’n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: – 2 BATTLE SHIPS, – 600 GROUND TROOPS, – 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: – 2 CANOES, – 6 MOUNTIES, – AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

Q: Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? A: They called it the herd shot ’round the world.

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. ‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’ ‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?’ ‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’ So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.’ The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?’ The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of animal am I?’ The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t any balls…………You must be a politician!’

You know you are addicted to coffee if … You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people’s fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don’t sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. “Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot- I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.” The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.” The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.” The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted… “Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!

How do you catch a polar bear? First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions. When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day. He said, “Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus.”

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years and in the back forty it had a nice pond, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court,etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!” The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators.” Old age & cunning will triumph over youth & skill every time!

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men. He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?” The cowboy replied, “See them thar’sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one.” “That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer. After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed. After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief. The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.” “That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. “Pardon me, sir,” she says to the store manager, “but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?” “Well,” he replies pointing out one brand, “this is as soft as a baby’s kiss. It’s $1.50 per roll.” He grabs another and says, “This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it’s $1.00 a roll.” Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, “We call that our No Name brand, and it’s 20 cents per roll.” “Give me the No Name,” she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, “Hey! I’ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.” “Why?” he asks. “Because it’s rough, it’s tough and it don’t take crap off anybody!”

Q: What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments? A: Luters.

Things I’ve Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late. 08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J; sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

Four catholic ladies were having coffee…The first catholic woman tells her friends “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’. The second catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘Your Grace’.” The third catholic crone says “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence’”. Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says “My son is 6’2″, he’s loaded with dough,…got broad square shoulders… terribly handsome… dresses very well… tight muscular body… tight hard buns… and a very nice bulge… and whenever he walks into a room… women gasp, ‘Oh, my God…’.”

What do ya call a bunch of guys breaking into a music store and helping themselves to the stringed instruments? Luters.

Political Correctness For Kids – Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.” – Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.” – You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.” – No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.” – You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.” – You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.” – It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “transmission of near-factual information.” – The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.” – Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.” – You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.” – You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.” – You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.” – You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of hisriders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are namedPatty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on.At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took offhis shoes, and picked at his bunions.When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new thatday. He said, “Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks hisbunions on a Sesame Street bus.”

The children of Amazon cannibal tribes think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny because he hides body parts for them to find every Easter morning.

One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band. First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: “Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they’re all here to see me. Good crowd!” Then the drummer: “Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we’re going to make good money tonight!” Then the Keyboard player: “Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers.” Finally, the Bass player: “E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E…”

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.” “Now,” he concluded, “Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. “Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .”, the sodium pined. “It’s just a phase you’re going through”, replied the Bunsen burner.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Redmond, WA – Microsoft Corporation has reconfirmed its commitment to bringing the “total PC experience” to Macintosh computer users. MS software developers this week announced the latest version of its “Windows for Macintosh” bundle comes with MyDoom, Bagle, SoBig, LovSan/Blaster and Melissa already installed. Plus, it will automatically connect to the Microsoft website upon start-up to download a customized Mac version of any new virus or worm that might appear on the World Wide Web. “We’re saddened that nobody bothers to write crippling hacks for the Mac OS any more,” said Chief Software Architect Bill Gates. “We know Mac people have been feeling left out for a very long time now, and we want to welcome them back into the family.” Following the announcement, shares of both Microsoft and Apple were down 82% at the close of the stock market yesterday.

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”The desperate customer turned to me and begged, “May I please have those roses?” “What happened?” I asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?” “It’s even worse than that,” he confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive!”

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.” “That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?” Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose… You must be a bunny rabbit!” Then he said, “I can’t thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?” And the snake replied that he didn’t know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?” So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re hard, you’re cold, you’re slimy and you haven’t got any balls… You must be a lawyer.”

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady. Why don’t you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thankee, ma’am. Ah’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.” “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

One Sunday morning, Father Micheal wakes up, looks at the azure sky and thinks to himself, Sod it! Think I will call in a sicky and go and play golf. He calls his Curate and tells him he feels terrible to have to cut out of his Sunday services, but he is really sick. The Devil turns to God and asked “Are you going to let hime get away with this blatant dereliction of duty?” “Nope.” Replied God. “Just watch and learn.” Father Micheal decided that he aught to drive a distance away so he isn’t recognised by any of his parishoners. He drives to High Elms near Farnborough in Kent and manages to get a green fee. Father Micheal lines himself up on the first tee, takes a swipe at the ball and smashes it, straigh and true, past the bunker, splitting the fairway and leaving himself a short pitch to the sloping green. He selects his pitching wedge, takes a practice swing then hits the ball. It lands just inside the greenside bunker, skips on for a bounce or two, then rolls in a slow arc towards the pin, leaving a six inch up-hill put for birdie which he makes. Father Micheal is delighted. “You are rewarding him for his slothfulness.” Says the Devil. “Shhh.” Replies God. “Watch and learn.” Father Micheal slides his tee shot to the second around the trees on the right, his ball lands in the middle of the fairway leaving no more than a short wedge to the green. He birdies the hole. He pars the third and pars the difficult fourth. Then, at the fifth, a short par three, Father Micheal’s nine iron bounces once on the green and into the hole. His first ever ace! “Come on God, the guy is playing better than professional golf here, do you not care he has bunked off work?” “Shhh!” Says God. “Watch and learn.” Father Micheal continues, either paring or birdying his way around the course. Even the horrendously difficult thirteenth causes no problem to Father Micheal. He completes his round seven under par, has not dropped a shot and played the game of his life. “Look!” Says the Devil, “This is just cannot right, you have allowed this servant of yours to bunk off work, play the game of his dreams, with your help on occasion I noticed, and as far as I can see, no punishment for his tardiness. If that is how you treat your followers, I really must have got it wrong.” The Devil is perplexed. “I just don’t understand it.” “Ahh but,” Begins God. “It is true he has played, probably one of the best rounds ever to be played at High Elms, but, and this is the punishment, who can he tell?”

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, “Jim, are we landscaping today?”

Getting a Tan It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way. “I’ve been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color,” he said. “And I’m going to get it – even if it’s blue.”

A lady went into a bar in Austin and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Shore is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.” “The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered …take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

Golf Meditations If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again. Any change works for a maximum of three holes . . . or at a minimum of not at all. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat also lie. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt ……for an 8. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard. To calculate the speed of a players down swing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap; i.e. backswing 20mph, handicap 15, downswing = 600mph. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one in wearing the glove. Hazards attract, fairways repel. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie’s belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

I put my hair in a bun yesterday…That’s why I no longer work at Greggs!

If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quotes, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc!

My dad has just had his bald patch tattooed with lots of little Easter bunnies.I said, “But why dad?”He said, “From a distance they look like hares!”#HappyEaster

Just saw our next door neighbour getting a bunch of flowers delivered.I said, “Nice flowers love.”She said, “Yeah, but I’ll be spending all weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air now.”I said, “Bloody hell, get the tight bastard to buy you a fucking vase!”

Anyone what to see my list of Bugs Bunny jokes…I will send in a WhatsApp doc!

Just had the worst day today. I paid a carpenter to build us a bespoke double bed and found out he’s done a bunk…It’s just one thing on top of another!

I saw a bunch of ants eating my chocolate bar on the kitchen counter…There is life on Mars!

If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.

“It’s just bananas, bananas, bananas with you,” the wife shouted. “If I told you I was going to leave you because of this ridiculous obsession, what would you say?” “Well, thanks a bunch,” I replied.

My wife started yelling at me because I shaved my head. I tried to explain it was because my bungee jumping instructor told me to, but she just said “If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?”

I just don’t get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.

BUNGEE JUMPING $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.

My bunny died. Now he’s just some bunny that i used to know….

Most people have X’s. I have a bunch of Y’s and WTF’s

Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I’ll never get to touch.

If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats…

5 minutes into America’s Got Talent and I learned we don’t have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don’t want real jobs.

If you love someone, just tell them. Or get drunk and “Like” a whole bunch of their stuff on Facebook in a short period of time…..same shit.

Let’s face it, it’s not the first time Germany’s sent a bunch of blokes to the showers in tears.

Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.

Anyone know where I could find a bunch of “Glad You Aren’t Here” postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I’ll need about 50 of them.

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

If anybody wants a list of every famous Bugs Bunny quote, I can send it to you as a WhatsApp doc!

A woman wakes up after a vagnial tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill…One from her surgeon to say that all went well…One from her husband saying “Get well soon”…And one from Tommy in the burns unit saying, “Thank you for the new ears!”

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.It’s a little fit bunny.

A bunch of batteries were gathering around in a circle.I guess they were having an AA-meeting

What’s the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit?One is a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they’re a bunch of liars.

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles…My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Elton John bought his pet rabbit to the gym…It’s a little fit bunny….

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles…My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!

Paid up front for small carpenter to do me a double bed…But he’s only gone and done a bunk.

Y’all have heard of Murphy’s Law right? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But have you heard about Coles Law?It’s a bunch of thinly sliced cabbage with a mayonnaise based dressing.

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, What would Jesus do?So I turned it into wine.

I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes....and they did some unspeakable things to me.

My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.

What’s the difference between a clown and an athletic rabbit?One is a bit funny and the other is a fit bunny.

I once was kidnapped by a bunch of mimes.They did unspeakable things to me.