Butcher Jokes

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.” “Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don’t carry cash — it’s too plebeian — and the butcher hadn’t brought the shop’s credit card imprinter to the lawyer’s office]. Several periods of time later — it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic — the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” “Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.” The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store… (Please scroll down.) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to whatever you were doing. I don’t know about you sometimes..

Q: When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one? A: At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.

When the boy broke his knee, where did he go to get a new one? At the butcher shop, where they sell kid-knees.

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. “The middle is meat,” she exclaimed, “but the ends are sawdust!” “Well,” said the butcher. “These days it’s hard to make ends meat.”

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: “How much for Engineer brain?” “3 dollars an ounce.” “How much for other generic profession brain?” “4 dollars an ounce.” “How much for lawyer brain?” “100 dollars an ounce.” “Why is lawyer brain so much more?” “Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

Mrs. Goldberg goes to the butcher at least once a week to buy a chicken. She picks it up, pinches it, fondles it, smacks it, then puts her nose in it as if to smell it. Each time she asks “butcher, Is this chicken fresh?” Each time the butcher guarentees her that it is as fresh as the day as it is born. One week she came in three times and each time asked for a chicken, went through her ritual: picks it up, pinches it, fondles it, smacks it, then smells it and again asks “Butcher, is this chicken fresh?” Not being able to stand much more the butcher replies: “Mrs. Goldberg, could you pass a test like that?”

I bet the butcher he couldn’t reach the beef on the top shelf, but he saidthe steaks were too high.

A man goes into a butcher shop and says, “I bet ya $350 that you can’t reach that bit of meat,” indicating a cut of beef hanging above him. The butcher looks up and says, “No way.”The guy says, “Why not?”And the butcher answers, “The steaks are too high!”

I asked my local butcher how he prepares his turkeys.He said, “The farmer just tells them straight that they’re gonna die!”

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.I said, “I work with animals every day.”She said, “That’s so sweet. What do you do?”I replied, “I’m a butcher!”We never went on a second date!

I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

I bet the butcher $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said “No, the steaks are too high.”

A man walks into a butcher. The butcher bets him £5 he can’t guess a shelf of meat’s weight. Man replies “I cant, the steaks are too high.”

How do you taunt a German butcher?Do your wurst.

Have you heard about the butcher that backed into his meat grinder?He got a little behind in his work.

Woman goes to the butchers, “I’d like an oxtail please.”“Certainly” replies the butcher. “Once upon a time, there was an ox…”