Car Jokes

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved “I love you, Sally”. On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: “We’ve got to give it back”. She says, “Finders keepers” & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door & says: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?” She says: “No”.. The husband says: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” The old man says: “Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday …” At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: “We’re outta here …”

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn’t pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?” Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?” Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price.”

Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 …….. $10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ………..$9.52 per gallon Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 …… $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 …. $178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ….. $123.20 per gallon Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ……… .. $25.42 per gallon Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .$84.48 per gallon And this is the REAL KICKER… Evian water 9 oz $1.49……….$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER And the buyers don’t even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.) So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil. Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump…

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver’s rear-view mirror. ”Don’t worry!” says the driver to his friend, ”Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we’ll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!” They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ”Have you been drinking?” he asks them. ”Oh no Sir,” replies the driver. ”I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks. ”Oh, no sir,” the drunk answers. ”We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.” ”Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, ”What on earth are those things on your forehead?” ”That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. ”You see, we’re both alchoholics, and we’re on the patch!”

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!” The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!” “Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. “Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman. “Do you know anything about this at all?” “No, constable”, said the man. “Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,”What’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.”Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!”The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the PurpleWombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,”Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm,”Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts –march!”So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears.”Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?””Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s beenacting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.””Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?””It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him.”Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?””Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what thePurple Wombat is!””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked.”Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened.”Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother saysyou’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?””Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!””You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don’t stand up in a boat.

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along. At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. Another and another flash of lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother’s car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her, ‘What are you doing?’ The child answered, ‘I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.’

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I car-pooled to our children’s soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn’t be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn’t mention anything about his father’s whereabouts. Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed. “Yes,” he replied, “she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don’t worry. I told her I didn’t know.”

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “It’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?” “Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.” She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. “Okay,” she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?” They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long. Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, “You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?” “Yeah”, says Luke, “I remember.” “Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” “Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.” “Me neither” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off!”

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and headed home. As he was walking to the parking lot toward his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago” “Yes,” the golfer responded. “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course” the cop asked. “Yes, I did. How did you know” the golfer asked. “Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it” The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. “Fred,” the driver replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. “When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. “After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. “Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I’m just Fred.” The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

I got this e-mail today. It had a diferent title, but it may offend some, so I changed it. On a Sears hairdryer –” Do not use while sleeping.” (That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos — “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be???….) On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s just a suggestion.) On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…) On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me time?) On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning:May cause drowsiness.” (…I’m taking this because???….) On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: say what?) On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?” “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” “No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers… Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What is going on here?” “My car broke down, Officer” says the woman, calmly. “Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer… “Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!” she replies.

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich. You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. Your suggestion box starts ticking. Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3. You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town. You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket. They pay your wages out of petty cash. You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had. You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut. Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget. The simple instructions enclosed aren’t. A black cat crosses you path and drops dead. You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife. The plumber floats by on your kitchen table. Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

A nun was in a hurry on her way to her job at the local Catholic Charity Hospital when her car suddenly runs out of gas. Luckily, she was only a block and a half from a gas station, so she got out of her car and quickly walked there. At the station, she asked the attendent to give her a quart of gasoline so that she could start her car and drive it over to fill it up. The attendent told her that he only had one gas can, and he just loaned it to someone else. She told the attendent that she was in a hurry and would look in her car to find something to hold the gas. When she got back the the car, the only suitable container she found was a bedpan, which looked like it could easily hold a quart of gas. She brought the bedpan to the station and the attendent filled it with gas. The nun got back to her car and started to pour the gas from the bedpan into her car. Just as she started pouring, two men walked by. One of the men said to the other “If that car starts, I’m converting to catholicism forever!”

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an assh*le!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘assh*le’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an assh*le!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘assh*le’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an assh*le!” One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window …so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW assh*le too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” “Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” “What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said. “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home every evening after five.” “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?” “Don, you’re an assh*le.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1. “Hello.” “You’re an assh*le!” (But I didn’t hang up.) “Are you still there?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Stop calling me,” he screamed. “Make me,” I said. “Who are you?” he asked. “My name is Don Hansen.” “Yeah? Where do you live?” “Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, assh*le.” Then I called Assh*le #2. “Hello?” he said. “Hello, assh*le,” I said. He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” I said. “I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed. I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.” Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better! Anger management at it’s very best.

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Beaudreaux’s house and saw a sign that read: “Boat for Sale”. Thibodeaux marches up to Beaudreaux’s front porch and raps hard on the door and Beaudreaux opens it. Thibodeaux say, “Beaudreaux! How long we ban frands?” Beaudreaux say, “Well……All our lives, Thibodeaux”. Thibodeaux say, “Why don you tole me you gotta boat?” Beaudreaux say, “I ain’t gotta boat!” Thibodeaux say, “Da’ sign say; ‘BOAT for SALE’. Beaudreaux say, “OH – NO Thibodeaux!!….See dat old ‘ 72 Ford pickem’up truck over dare?” Thibodeaux say, “Yas. I see dat old pickem’up truck.” Beaudreaux say, “See dat ‘ 76 Cheverloet Ce-dan?” Thibodeaux say, “Yas, I see dat Ce-dan.” Beaudreaux say, “Well, dey boat for sale.”

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, “Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?” “Ma’am,” the officer said, “You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”. “Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly. The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over.” “Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142” …

It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says. That’s cool. Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Wha…aaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!” Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. “Look !” she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. “And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.” For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services are pending.

A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”