Carrot Jokes

What did one snowman say to the other? I think I smell carrots!

What?s orange and rhymes with parrot? Carrot

Q: How do you catch a rabbit? A: Hide in a meadow and make carrot noises.

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn. His step-parents advised, “Don’t scurry. Be hoppy.”

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT It never spoils. CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, “Mr. Tomato?” The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, “How is he?” The doctor replied, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Q: What did the snowman say to the other snowman? A: “Do you smell carrot?”

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

How do you make soup gold? You put in fourteen carrots.

what did one snowman say to the other snowman? can you smell carrots?

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, “Mr. Tomato?” The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, “How is he?” The doctor replied, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family ofsquirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own.This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of therabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realizedthat it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discussthe problem.He said he was unsure of his place in the universeand was generally forlorn.His step-parents advised, “Don’t scurry. Be hoppy.”

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). b.. Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.” d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.” e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.” f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.” g.. The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.” h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Q: How do you make soup gold? A: You put in fourteen carrots.

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor’s office. He says, “Doc, I’m not feeling well. What’s wrong with me?”The doctor says, “First of all, you’re not eating right….”

Just seen a snowman in Sainsbury’s looking through the carrots…Think he was picking his nose!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids…Apparently, she left me two days ago!

I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot. Can you believe that?I was going to eat that later but now it’ll just taste like carrots!

Sex has gone downhill with the wife, so I bought her a dildo.“It looks like a carrot!” she said.Which is ironic, as her fanny looks like a donkey yawning!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids…Apparently, she left me two days ago!

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they’d seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That’s Cole’s Law.

A man goes to the doctor with celery in his ear and a carrot up his nose. The Doc says “I can tell you right now you’re not eating right!”

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?The Carroty Kid!