Chinese Jokes

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. “Man,” the Chinese man says. “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the Italian says. “If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the redneck says. “If I get another ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody’s crying. “This is all my fault!” says the Chinese man’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed an egg roll that day.” “This is all my fault!” says the Italian’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of pizza that day.” “Don’t look at me,” says the redneck’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.”

Not for Lunch My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.” “Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. “We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. “Sid,” asked Al, “Are there any Jews in China?” “I don’t know,” Sid replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?” When the waiter came by, Al asked him, “Are there any Chinese Jews?” “I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Chinese Jews.” “Are you sure?” Al asked. “I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.” When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Chinese Jews.” “Are you really sure?” Al asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.” “Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!”

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, ‘You Sign! You sign!’ Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhaust pipes. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. ‘You Sign! You sign!’ Nelson says to him, ‘Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man’,and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, ‘You sign! You sign!’ Mr Mandela is getting a bit pissed off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: ‘Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man! I don’t want them!’ Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, ‘You sign! You sign!’ Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; ‘Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?’ The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: ‘You not Nissan Main Dealer?’…….. …..(Said In your best chinese accent)….

Chuck Norris walked in a chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread…and got it.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. 2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.” 3. I have my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here. 4. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 6. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected. 7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 8. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley. 10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 12. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

After Olympic Special In the first 10 days of the Olympics the Romanians have taken gold, silver ,bronze, copper, lead, drain covers and anything else they can get their hands on. Somalia has been thrown out of the Olympics. They didn’t know that sailing and shooting were two separate events! As a way of apology to North Korea for displaying the South Korean flag at the Olympic football, the team will be treated to an all you can eat buffet at Battersea dogs home. Is it just me or have you noticed how much these Chinese swimmers have come on since the Morcambe Bay cockle picking accident. First sailing results are in – Britain has taken gold, the USA have taken silver and Somalia have taken a middle-aged couple from Weymouth.

A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said, “Chopsticks are provided only on request.” “But,” the man countered, “if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash all the forks.” “True,” the waiter shot back, “but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

A man took his family to a Chinese resaurant one night. After being seated and having their drinks delivered, the waiter recited the specialites of the evening. “We have moo shoo chicken, chicken almondine, beef and 5 star vegetable and lasagna.” The man was surprised and exclaimed “.. but this is a Chinese restaurant!” The waiter replied, “Yes, but this is a Jewish neighborhood.”

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Irishman he says “You’re in charge of shoveling.” To the Chinese guy, “You’re in charge of supplies.” He then says, “Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile.” So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?” The Italian replies in a heavy accent, “I no gotta broom, an’ you tella me dat de Chinese’a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him.” Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn’t shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, “Aye, that ye did, but I couldn’t get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn’t fin’ him.” The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can’t find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells… “Supplies!!”

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get the chinese newspaper. Do you get it??? No??? Me neither, I get the Daily News.

Life’s Observations 1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you’re in bed with a relative. 2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.” 3. I have my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here. 4. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 6. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected. 7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely notrade-in value. 8. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley. 10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect. 11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 12. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having apeeing section in a swimming pool?

New Math Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger…It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!

A Chinese man comes to the pub, stands next to me & starts drinking.I said, “Do you know any martial arts, like kung-fu, ju-jitsu, or karate?”He said, “Why the fuck are you asking me that? Is it because I’m Chinese?”“No,” I said. “It’s because you’re drinking my beer!”

I’m a really big fan of the Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food…You can tell by the way I use my wok!

Sad news… The inventor of Chinese Whispers has died…May he test tinned peas!

I looked out of our window today and said to the wife… “It’s like rush hour outside.” “What, lots of traffic?” She replied. “No, there’s a black and Chinese guy running down the road in pursuit of a criminal.”

The chef at my local Chinese restaurant had a nasty fall at work, and was so badly injured he had to give up his job. He’ll never wok again.

My Chinese neighbour told me he’d just opened a “Crows shop”. I said, “Don’t you mean a clothes shop?” He said, “A Crows shop!” I said, “OK, I might pop down for a Rook.”

A Chinese baby was born prematurely. Parents named him Sudden Lee.

The man who invented Chinese Whispers has died. Pass it on.

I went to a Chinese restaurant last night. I said “Waiter, this beef is rubbery” He said “Thank you, I’m grad you rike it”

Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50…. … Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. … … Riceless.

How in the hell do Chinese people see when they’re high?

I saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other this morning. Gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

I’m not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

I bet the Chinese get excited when it’s raining cats and dogs. Must be like a buffet for them.

What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera?………….Phil Ming

I bet the YMCA dance is allot harder to do in Chinese.

A Chinese kid was born before the due date..So his parents named him “Sudden Lee!”

Called a plumber out the other day. He was Chinese. Called a builder, he was also Chinese. Called an electrician out. He was Chinese as well ! Bloody Yellow Pages

I’m so good at making Chinese food, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Went to one of those cheap all you can eat Chinese restaurants last night and had to make a complaint to the waitress. “Excuse me, this chicken tastes really rubbery…” I said. “Ahhhh thank you very much, I get you some more!” She said.

We all have that one friend that looks Chinese but isn’t.

On this occasion of Chinese New Year I would like to ask all my Chinese friends. Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with… How the f**k did two sticks win?

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR, It’s the year of the snake !!! I’m still keep accidentally writing Dragon on all my checks.

Got my new Chinese cookbook today….”101 Ways to Wok Your Dog”

What has 2 wings and a halo? Did you say angel? WRONG! Its a chinese phone. *Wing Wing* “Halo?”

Ive never seen a pregnant Chinese lady.

My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now………….Wait, That’s not my waiter.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 6663629.”

Just drove by an Asian restaurant Wok n’ Roll well played Chinese people. So crever

Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

Poor Chinese tourists have to buy souvenirs in other countries made by themselves in China.

It’s funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!

I don’t appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying “we OWN you!” to the U.S. team. Let’s leave our deficit out of this!

During the opening Olympic ceremony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!….And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren’t too bad either!!!

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

Went for a Chinese last night and at the bottom of the menu I found the crispy duck…It was way down the Peking order!

There is only one thing I don’t like about ordering duck in a Chinese restaurant.The bill.

Okay, I love Chinese food as much as the next guyBut you’ll never convince me that a chicken fried the rice.