Client Jokes

This year, I resolve to … 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. 7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the Tl. 8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. 9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. 10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 11. Not have eight children at once. 12. Get in a whole NEW rut! 13. Start being superstitious. 14. Personal goal: bring back disco. 15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. 16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. 17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use mono-syllabic words. 19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. 21. Not eat cloned meat. 22. Create loose ends. 23. Get more toys. 24. Get further in debt. 25. Not believe politicians. 26. Break at least one traffic law. 27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. 28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. 29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 30. Stay off the MIR space station. 31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world. 32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home. 33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. 34. Associate with even worse business clients. 35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. 36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets. 37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison. 38. Wait around for opportunity. 39. Focus on the faults of others. 40. Mope about my faults. 41. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, ‘I’m fine’, at the scene of the accident?” asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for a long, drawn-out story,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!” Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.” Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.” He continued, “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

So, there’s this lawyer who dies and goes to Hell. The lawyer sits in the waiting room for hours, then Satan finally gets to him. “Welcome to Hell,” Satan says. “Have you decided what your Hell is going to be yet?” The lawyer, confused, says, “Well, no. What do you mean?” Satan replies, “Well, we have different types of hell based on your life experiences. You were a lawyer, right? Well, you need to choose between Door A and Door B. Go ahead and think about it. I’ll be back in awhile to hear your decision.” Well, the lawyer gets up and opens Door A. Inside is a courtroom where the judge is yelling, slamming his gavel, and ruling against every case the poor lawyers inside present. The clients are wailing, the lawyers are crying; it’s just terrible! “Hmm,” the lawyer thinks, “That certainly doesn’t look too good. I wonder what Door B has?” Inside Door B the lawyer sees client after client passing lawyers by for other, unknown counsel. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many ambulances they chase, they can’t secure a client. It doesn’t take long for the lawyers to turn on each other, maiming and wounding one another in an effort to be the most attractive to the clients. “Well, I certainly don’t want to spend my eternity in this room of desperation and greed,” the lawyer thinks. So what to do? Off to the side of the two doors, the lawyer sees another unmarked door. Curious, he sneaks a peek inside that room. Inside is a beautiful office filled with spectacular furnishings, state of the art equipment, piles of money, and the most gorgeous legal assistants you can imagine. The lawyers inside sit back and count their money while these wonderful assistants do all the work for them, and in no time at all!! If a lawyer complains of a headache, one of the beautiful assistants massages his temple. If a lawyer wants something to eat or drink, the legal assistant fetches it immediately. If a lawyer complains of sore feet, the legal assistant rubs his feet. “Now THAT’S more like it!!” the lawyer says to himself. When Satan returns awhile later, he asks the lawyer which door, A or B he wants to spend eternity in. The lawyer says, “Well, neither, Satan, but I did see this other door over here that looks pretty good. THAT’S where I want to spend eternity.” Satan says, “No, that’s not an option.” The lawyer questions, “Why not? I was a lawyer, after all, and that room was filled with lawyer type stuff.” Satan chuckles. “No, you don’t understand. You have to pick the hell for lawyers…that door is hell for legal assistants.”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?” ”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–” ”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?” ”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–” ”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so. ”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. “You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?” The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, “Do you know what will happen if you don’t tell the truth?” The client looked back and said, “I imagine that our side will win.”

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.” Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?” Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech “And what if I swallow it?” “No problem” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!”

The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial. “Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?” “Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied. “And when was that?” pressed the attorney. “Well… when he asked for his third cup.” she said.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. “No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.” The “conversation” went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, “I’m sorry for the delay but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?” The man replied, “I’m from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I come to hook up your phone.”

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. You’ve been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more. 7. Get in a whole NEW rut! 8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace. 9. Don’t eat cloned meat. 10. Create loose ends. 11. Get more toys. 12. Get further in debt. 13. Don’t believe politicians. 14. Break at least one traffic law. 15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 16. Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks. 17. Associate with even worse business clients. 18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them. 19. Wait around for opportunity. 20. Focus on the faults of others. 21. Mope about faults. 22. Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared “Case dismissed!” The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews–why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah …and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!” The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said “Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists’ holiday!” The ACLU lawyer pompously said “We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?” The judge said “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date—April 1st!”

Part of rebuilding New Orleans causes residents to often be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client; You’ve got to love this lawyer…… A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.” Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, “What if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?” 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food. 6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you. 5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”. 3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”. 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!” And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek: 1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

Inoculations A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…” “I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”. Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?” “Now what the hell would you say?”

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it’s triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She’s a lawyer. 3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can’t find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife. 6. Good: You give the ‘birds and bees’ talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It’s another man. Ugly: He’s your best friend. 8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

I saw a job advert for a fanny waxers assistant, to prepare clients, clean & wash them after treatment. I applied at the Jobcentre. The bloke said I had to go to Cornwall. I said, “Why? Is that where the job is?” The bloke said, “No. That’s where the end of the fucking queue is!”

Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients “thanks for coming” as they leave?

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!