Coach Jokes

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!” Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative. “Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes. “So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head.” Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded. He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?” Again the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative. “Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes. “So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn’t maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean’s office, followed by one of his star players. “You can’t keep him from playing!” the coach roared. “We won’t win this weekend without him!” “I don’t care,” the dean said. “Things have gotten out of hand at this college.” “What do you mean, out of hand?” the coach demanded. “I’ll show you what I mean,” the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, “Tell me,how much is six times seven?” The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, “Thirty- one?” The dean turned to the coach and said, “I rest my case.” “Oh, come on now,” the coach said. “Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one.”

During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshal, who said, “Halt in the name of the law!” “What’s the problem?” the stagecoach driver asked. “You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas,” the marshal said. At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, “I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex.” The other said, “No, it’s much simpler than that — it’s just an arrested stage of development.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. – OH MY GOD!” Silence Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said: “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a 1937 silver bentley to the edge of London where they boarded an open 17th century coach that was hitched to 6 magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their sides and waiving to the thousands lining the streets, all was going well. What a glorious display of pagentry and dignity! Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip one of the most horrific, earth shattering, eye tearing blasts of flatulance and the coach filled with noxious fumes… Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner in which to handle this embarrassing situation. She turned to President bush and explained “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen can’t control.” To which George W. replied “Your majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know if you hadn’t said something, I would have assumed it was one of the horses!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax—OH MY…!” Then silence. Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Remember to Be a Good Sport During the course of a heated softball tournament, the coach felt the need to remind one of his players about the importance of team play and good sportsmanship. The coach asked the player if he knew and remembered what good sportsmanship was. The player replied, “Yes.” The coach then asked him if he knew he shouldn’t curse at the umpire or throw things in anger. The player again replied “Yes.” “Good,” said the coach, “now could you please go tell your wife.”

The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there. “Please,” protested the college President, “you already make more than the entire History department.” “Yeah, maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with,” the coach blustered. “Look.” He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. “Run over to my office and see if I’m there,” he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. “You’re not there, sir,” he reported. “Oh, I see what you mean,” conceded the President, scratching his head. “I would have phoned.”

BREAKING: The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.“We acknowledge he doesn’t have a background in our sport, but we couldn’t overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!”

David Beckham’s son arrived for training, and asked the coach, “What number shirt shall I wear?”The coach replied, “Wear four out there Romeo!”

David Beckham’s 2nd son arrived at training for Brentford, he asked the coach, “What number shirt am I?”The coach said, “Wear four out there Romeo!”

The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She is the first woman to get that close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.

Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.