Condom Jokes

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please. Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir? Cowboy: Nah… She ain’t that ugly.

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process. On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing. As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process. Wait a second, the future shift manager says, I know what the hiss, hiss is but whats with the pop noise every once in awhile? Oh, that he he. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process. said the guide It pokes a hole in every third condom. But that cant be good for the condoms! the observant shift manager replied. Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.” “But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!” “Really? Great! Show me!” So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. “Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!” “Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!” “Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?” “Oh,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist says, “How old are you, son?” The kid replies, “Eleven.” “I can’t sell you any condoms,” the druggist says. “You’re too young.” The kid says, “Gimme some rubbers or I’ll call a cop.” “All right, cool it,” the druggists says to the kid. “What kind of condoms do you want?” The kid tells him, “Gimme the French ticklers.” The druggist says, “Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?” “No,” the kid replies, “but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!”

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves… “Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No?” “Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.” And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No, I work for a condom company. These are Customer Complaints.”

The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form Dear [____rejectee’s name here_____], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: [Check all those that apply] ___ Your breasts are bigger than mine. ___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. ___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing. ___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms bythetruckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one. ___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can’t GET into my pants. ___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate. ___ You failed the credit check. ___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable. ___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in conversation. ___ You still live with your parents. ___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention mine. ___ Three words: Size does matter. Sincerely, [Your name here]

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn’t give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what’s up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. Wouldn’t you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said: “Your house.”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Chuck Norris’ sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak… Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men’s underwear. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And I also found a condom. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And it has been used! 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it! 1 nun: Oh, No! 99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!…..

A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, ” I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o’ dem rubbers gonna cost me? The pharmacist responds, “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.” To which the redneck replies, “TACKS! Gawd a’mighty,………..don’t they stay on by therself.

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 years suggested they take a cruise: “We could go somewhere for a week, and make wild love like we did when we were young!” He thought it over and agreed. He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottle of seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said, “I’ve been thinking. There’s no reason we can’t go for a month.” So Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, “You know, since the children are on their own, what’s stopping us from cruising the world?” So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles of seasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. The pharmacist finally had to ask. “You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30 years. I certainly don’t mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?”

I said to my son, “Where are you going tonight all dressed up?” He said “I’m off to meet a girl.” I said, “Don’t forget to wear a, you know!” “Wear a what dad?” he said. “You know, put a hat on,” I said. “Do you mean a condom Dad?” he said. “No I mean a hat you ginger twat!”

“Can I have a pack of condoms?” I asked the pharmacist.“A small box?” he asked.“I do hope so!”

Nothing worse than after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick…Particularly when you weren’t wearing one when you started!

Daffy Duck calls the hotel reception and asks for a condom.The receptionist asked, “Shall we put this on your bill?”Daffy replied, “Are you thucking thupid I’ll thuffocate!”

I said to my son “Where are you going tonight all dressed up?” He said “I’m off to meet a new girl” I said “Don’t forget to wear a, you know” “Wear a what dad?” he said. “You know, put a hat on” I said. “Do you mean a condom Dad?” he said. “No I mean a hat you ginger twat!”

My son asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”I replied, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these!”

Me and the missus tried one of those flavoured condoms last night.“Mmmmmm, cheese and onion flavour,” she said.I replied, “I haven’t even put it on yet!”

“Can I have a pack of condoms?” I asked the chemist.“A small box?” he asked.“I hope so!”

I went shopping for a maternity bra for my girlfriend.“What bust?” the assistant asked.“The condom!” I said.

There was a ginger guy using the self-checkout in Tesco earlier and the machine said, “Unexpected item in the bagging area.”Condom!

Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: It was pissed off.

My wife’s got a latex allergy, so I substituted the condom for a bread bag. Now she’s got a yeast infection.

$500 worth of condoms and lubricant were stolen overnight from a Sydney sex shop. Police described the thieves as slippery,well covered,hardened criminals.