Cook Jokes

I am very detail-oreinted. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty! Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume. I am sicking and entry-level position. It’s best for employers that I not work with people. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular. You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate! I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity. Please disregard the attached resumeit is terribly out of date. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately. Previous experience: Self-employed–a fiasco. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business. My experience in horticulture is well-rooted. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years. I am a rabid typist. Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984. I have a bachelorette degree in computers. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math. Graduated in the top 66% of my class. Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer. Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes. I worked as a Corporate Lesion. Special Skills: Speak English. Served as assistant sore manager. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home. 13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 14. Great dames for sale. 15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated. 18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment. 21. Man, honest. Will take anything. 22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first. 23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person. 24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 26. And now, the Superstore — unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, “Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight.” His wife replied, “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!” The husband said, “I know all that.” “Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?” asked the wife. The guy answered, “Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married.”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and stabs himself to death. The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-his stomach, sides, and his chest. There is blood gushing out all over. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?” And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe, you stupid jerk!”

A first grade class comes in from recess. Teacher asks Alice: “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in the sand box.” Teacher says “that’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played with Alice in sand box.” Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box” correctly on blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.” Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, “I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’ I’ll give you a cookie.”

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!” The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.” The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!” The young man tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!”

Dear Husband: I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or any thing. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone. P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, ‘What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?’ The two guys reply, ‘Well, you know, we’re from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.’ The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. ‘Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.’ The two Chicagoans reply, ‘Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.’ The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. ‘I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?’ The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. ‘Well, don’t ya know–if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing…the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn’t remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky’s office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, “sack my cook”. And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass .and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’ Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: ‘You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.’

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap…and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies… … “You just happened to catch my eye

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Q: What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? A: Let’s get on the ship, men!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband . Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. Variants Girlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at mycash.com, later versions of Girlfriend exploit the same resources using more sophisticated methods. Live_in (any version) uses different profiles and is targeted at mywayoflife.com. Missus 2.7 is the current variant in which the cooking/cleaning/nookie features are much less effective but the resource consumption is two orders of magnitude greater Also known as SWMBO, ‘er indoors, the totty, the little woman. Distribution The Girlfriend variants have sometimes been bundled with got-drunk, went clubbing and chatted_up_sister’s_mate. The parasitic forms (Live-in and Missus) are invariably self-installing, exploiting any firewall deficiencies to immediately grab Administrator privileges and closing out any other Administrator access. What it does Missus is a blended threat and operates phased attack: 1. It progressively closes all access to any competing products. 2. It grabs access to all available resources 3. It uninstalls the “toys and gadgets” folder completely, and then reprogrammes the firewall to block any related addresses. 4. It installs “soft furnishings.dll” and “redecorate.vxd” (the virtual driver being recursed on a 12-month cycle). 5. It closes down un-wanted processes like pubnight, havefun, watchfootie etc. 6. Having achieved the above it spawns new sub-processes to consolidate its control. 7. It may install parasitic programmes and spyware like In-Laws 1.0 Privacy violation Only for the first few months – after that it prohibits any violation of its privacy. Security issues Yes, your security of title and tenure is severely threatened by the prospect of CPA.VXD. Stability problems Very unstable – prone to spontaneous breakdown without cause. Recovery only possible by allocating ever more resources and granting greater privileges. These steps are non-reversible. Removal Generally regarded as impossible, although some have succeeded through faking death or assuming a new identity. Links Only for the first few months – then discouraged or prohibited.

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news about a great American icon.. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Buttersworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Capt’n Crunch, Mr. Goodbar, The Tidy Bowl Man, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded, always rose to the occasion, but whose later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much his time on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was considered a roll model for millions, even as a crusty old man. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and a bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Zack was painting a tilt-in window when the latch gave way and the glass broke on his head. His cuts were minor but the bleeding was profuse. The paramedics arrived with screaming sirens and were followed by two squad cars and an ambulance. After they bandaged the victim’s head, it was decided that he should go with them to the hospital for stitches. As the blood-spattered painter was being led from his house, his wife saw a crowd of onlookers gathered across the street. Never at a loss for words, the wife called loudly to Zack, “Next time you’ll eat what I cook!”

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it! I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards. Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines. I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.” CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet……. Ate the cookies…….. Drank the milk……. sh*t on the paper……. Screwed the other three cats……. Claimed he injured his back while doing so……. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……. Put in for Workers Compensation……………and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………… AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks “Are you the Fish Fryer?” To which the man replies, “No, I’m the Chip Monk”.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Why were screams coming from the kitchen? The cook was beating the eggs.

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night). EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled – (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT It never spoils. CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent. “Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.” “That’s the guy I want to talk to … the half-wit,” says the agent. “That would be me,” replied the Rancher.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 20 seconds.

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste. Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and…’”

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them.” “All right,” said the farmer. “I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She’s been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board.” “Anybody else?” asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. “Yeah,” the farmer said. “There’s a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco.” “Aha!” the agent roared. “I want to talk to that half-wit!” “You’re talkin’ to him now,” said the farmer.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving!”

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to a mosque doesn’t make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. o.. Eat well, stay fit–die anyway. p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator. y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom. z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. “No!” yelled the farmer, “Don’t throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they’re delicious! They’re called Sheep Fries!” The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer’s wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days….and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, “It’s the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!”

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over thehead waiter. “Good morning, sir! I’d like to order two boiled eggs,one of them so undercooked that it’s runny, and the other soovercooked that it’s tough. “I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that’s socold it’s impossible to spread. “Finally, I’ll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at roomtemperature.” The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. “Sir! We cannot serve such anawful breakfast to you here!” “Why not?” the guest replied. “That’s what I got here yesterday!”

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good,” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” “Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?” “I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like sh*t!” Then I would say, “It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “So how was the honeymoon, darlin?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic… Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMA!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!” “Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama… he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…” “I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman. God said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give “love” and compassion whenever needed.” Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?” God said, “An arm and a leg.” Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?” The rest is history…

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’ Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

Monday: It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper. Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any. Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten. Sunday: Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. –Henny Youngman The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. –Ann Bancroft Any husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. –Bill Cosby Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards –Benjamin Franklin My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. –Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. –Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. –Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –George Burns What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. –Cindy Garner When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking. –Elaine Boosler I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,”There was water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.” –Henny Youngman My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. –Rita Rudner The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. –Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. –Erma Bombeck

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?” The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.” The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.” The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.” The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the f*cking map again.”

What did Captain Cook say to his men before they got on the ship? Let’s get on the ship, men!

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. “Logan, wait until we say our prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s at our house,” Logan explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking…… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu… Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politician?” The cook replied “Have you ever tried to clean one of them?”

A man walks into a 50’s style diner and orders a hamburger. A few minutes later the waitress brings his food to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!” So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, “That’s disgusting!” Then the waitress turns to him and says, “You think that’s disgusting, you should see him make donuts.”

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. “As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “we decided to cook our own breakfast.”

MONDAY: It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. “Nothing,” said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?” “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as “Thank you.” “Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.” “Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds. And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.” And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds. And God said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds. And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery….. And Satan created HMOs…

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man volunteers to do the ‘BBQ’ the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman goes to the store. 2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. 4) The man places the meat on the grill. 5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts. 11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible. The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”

Child’s Perspective on Retirement A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear nametags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom. Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex’s his Christmas cards. Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s even suspicious of his dog’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn’t measurably affect the value of his house. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver. Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn’t bother asking him to take out the trash. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, ‘Boy’. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up. Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he’d still be wealthier than anyone you know. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of ‘Titanic’ recreated live for his birthday. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn’t matter if no one paid to see him. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don’t mean a toy train. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press’s silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning. “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.” “That’s a complicated order, sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied, “Oh, but that’s what you gave me yesterday!”

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.” A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.” The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.” The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes!!!!”

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.” “What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “We hadn’t started eating yet.”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is … an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.”

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. “She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and p!!!ion whenever you need it.” Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?” God replied, “An arm and a leg.” Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu… + Tourist: $5 + Broiled Missionary: $10.00 + Fried Explorer: $15.00 + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $250.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, ‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of sh*t, it takes all morning.”

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “so – how was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home … PLEASE MAMA!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!” “Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama…words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook….”

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. “The evening was a disaster,” he moaned. “Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother. “Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook….”

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. 4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT’S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn’t work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ’98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent. “Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week,” replied the farmer. “That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit,” said the agent. The farmer said, “That would be me.”

Q: Why were screams coming from the kitchen? A: The cook was beating the eggs.

The New Survivor Have you heard about the next planned “Survivor” show? 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food. Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote. The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off the island, based on performance. The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years – eventually earning the right to be called “Mother”.

Hoss met his close friend Rich for guidance, and narrated to him that he recently met the girl of his dreams. He asked Richard advise as to how should he proceed now! The wise Rich said, “Well, send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal.” Hoss liked the idea, so he followed Rich’s advice and invited the woman. Next day after the dinner Rich called Hoss and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go. Hoss cried, “It flopped.” Rich asked, “Why? Didn’t the girl come to your house?” Hoss said, “She came, but she refused to cook and left angrily!”

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, “the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!A Everything had been SO incredible! “You know, “he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ” “No,” she replies. . . . . ” “You just happened to catch my eye.”

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN’S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath. Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. ATTIRE Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt. ALUMNI Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year. CAMPUS DECOR Up North: Statues of founding fathers. Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN Up North: Also a Physics Major Down South: Also Miss USA. HEROES Up North: Mario Cuomo Down South: “Bear” Bryant GETTING TICKETS Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets. Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday. Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday. PARKING Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday. GAME DAY Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line. Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city. CONCESSIONS Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda. Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot–filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED Up North: Stands are less than half full. Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE Up North: Nothing Changes! Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) Up North: “Nice Play.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” COMMENTARY (FEMALE) Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” ANNOUNCERS Up North: Paid. Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex” Duct tape won’t fix that. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Wrasslin’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who’s Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like you fish poached or broiled? My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam. Elvis who?

The wife was in the kitchen cooking me bacon and eggs when I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do…Then I remembered, Wetherspoons do an alll day breakfast for just £3.99!

My missus said she wanted peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it’s just like the real thing…It won’t suck me off, it can’t cook and it won’t clean the house!

My girlfriend’s parents are coming for Sunday dinner. I’m going to make a nice joint…Then when I’ve smoked that, I’ll cook them beans on toast!

I took a dyslexic girl back to my flat last night…She ended up cooking my sock!

While I was cooking, I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes…I’m now parsley sighted!

My Dad told me that during the Second World War my Grandad saved 600 men in his regiment…He shot the cook!

I’ve been banned from the Secret Cooking Society…I kept spilling the beans!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

I’m a really big fan of the Bee Gees and I also like cooking Chinese food…You can tell by the way I use my wok!

I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies…Is this a trick question?

What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse?A Swiss Army Wife!

My wife said, “You don’t like my cooking do you?”I said, “Yes I do.”She said, “Prove it.”So I had another slice of gravy!

Looking forward to this years John Lewis Christmas advert which will just be a family huddled around a burning Christmas tree for warmth as they cook the family cat on a spit and a piano version of Things Can Only Get Better!

My wife was wearing a short nightie this morning as she was cooking breakfast. She went down on all fours to get the cooking oil from under the sink and got her hair caught in the pipes.Never one to miss an opportunity, I fucked off down the pub!

I love cooking children and dogs.But I hate using commas!

At University I studied cooking, particularly soups…I gained a Bachelor’s degree!

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed. “And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”“Woooah! That’s bang out of order,” I said. “It’s not his fault!”

HELP!I got a Labrador puppy at Xmas but realised pretty quickly that my girlfriend is allergic to her & as a result I’m going to have to give her up.I dont want money, I just need to know she’s gone to a good home.Her name is Olivia, she’s 42, decent figure and a good cook!

My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: Every exit is an entrance to a new experience’ “Wow” she said, “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I fcuking hope so.

I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on the way I had cooked his steak. “Well done” is rare from a medium.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza today… I shoulda cooked it at aloha temperature.