Dad Jokes

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers,” pretending to eat them and then went back to packing. He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. He said, “What’s wrong, honey?” She replied, “What happened to my boogie?

Meaning of… ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’ A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!” The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?” The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?” The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The boy replied, “Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman.”

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.” His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh, well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.” And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!” His mom says, “Why?!?” And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!”

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” Her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.” The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we’re not having any of that crap in Texas”

A baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, “Are you my mom?” “Why, yes!” his mother said. “I am!” “Well,” the baby said, “I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.” Then he looks around the room and says, “Are you my doctor?” “Yes, I am!” says the doctor. “Well, I just wanted to thank you,” says the baby, “for taking such good care of me during the delivery.” “You’re very welcome,” says the doctor. The baby looks around the room and says, “Hey, are you my father?” Overcome with pride, his dad says, “Yes, I am!” The baby says, “Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down.” The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. “How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn’t it?”

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,”What’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.”Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!”The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the PurpleWombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,”Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?””You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm,”Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts –march!”So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears.”Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?””Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s beenacting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.””Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?””It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.”The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him.”Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?””Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what thePurple Wombat is!””What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked.”Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!”So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened.”Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother saysyou’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?””Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!””You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!”Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.”Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.”It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.”Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.”The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.”Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.”Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.”It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.”Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.”The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.”It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don’t stand up in a boat.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees… Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town… pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said, “I have to sleep with Daddy.” A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, “The big sissy.”

The pastor of donkey church realised that he was going to starve as collection dwindled every Sunday. Then he made a plan. After a hectic advertising campaign the church was packed the following Sunday. The Pastor, in full cry yelled ” Jesus said “I’ll come as a dove” Church members: “Amen” Pastor: “I say Jesus said “I’ll come like a dove” Members: ” Amen” And suddenly out of the ceiling came a white dove. The Members, having witnessed a miracle started donating bucks like no man’s business. The pastor was excited and in an attempt to increase his profits kept repeating his formula. For the 4th time he yelled. For the 4th time money kept flowing. Then he went for the fifth. ” I have prophesied, Jesus shall surely come like a doooooooove from the skies.”Suddenly a head appeared out of the ceiling and complained ” But daddy all the doves are finished “

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked. “Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.” I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.” “Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class “What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?” Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. “I think your heart goes first because, that’s were your emotions of love are.” “Very interesting.” replied the teacher. Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. “I think your feet go up first.” Confused but relieved the teacher said, “Why is that?” Johnny replied, “Once when I walked in my parents room I saw my dad on my mom, and she had her feet in the air saying “Oh God!”

“Hi Mom, How are you?” “Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware” “Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they’ve let me make one phone call” “What happened?” “Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.” “What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????” “Well it wasn’t my fault.Dad told me to find a Black & Decker .”

When my wife and I decided to get married we’d been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect… and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn’t want to acknowledge. Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she’d always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn’t know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn’t, I could just leave. I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was! Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked. “Oh Yeah” said the son. “So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father. The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.” With this the boy’s father was speechless. Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.” Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud. You’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m real disappointed, since you haven’t gotten your hair cut.” The young man paused a moment, and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also.” To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.” “That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,”Whaaaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!” About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “OOh dad, there’s one.” “No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.” Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, “Hey dad, she’s plenty big enough.” “No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.” About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.” “No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.” “Why not?” asked the son. “Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference roomtable the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied “A THOUGHT. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?” He asked the second man. “Hmm….let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed,” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” He said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom.! But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I HAD SH*TTED IN MY PANTS! HE GOT THE JOB!

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.” SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!” BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed you haven’t gotten your hair cut.” The young man paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.” To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy”, because he knows the answer.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie, “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home. “Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother. “Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘the act’. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?” “Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad’s lap she says, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” “A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.” The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please MAKE a sound like a frog?” Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?” And the little girl says, “‘Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, To which the boy replied, “Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it son?” The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.” The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.” William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.” His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed.” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I’d crapped in my pants!” He got the job.

Why do Sharks circle you before attacking? Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people . “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did . “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did . “Now we eat everybody.” And they did . When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?” His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!”

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.” “What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.” The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.” Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.” The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?” The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure . I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?” The bank manager looks back at her and says… “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Do you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’vebrushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late… had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.” Not to worry,” said the dad..”the important thing is that we’re all here together today.” Son number two arrived and announced, “you and Mom still look great, Dad just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present… Sorry.” “It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.” Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing… so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.” Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.” After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, “Listen up, all three of you, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but… we just never found the time to get married.” The three kids gasp and said, “You mean we’re bastards?” “Yep,” said the dad…”and cheap ones too!”

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven… which part of your body goes first?” Suzie raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzie?” Suzie replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!” “What a wonderful answer!” the Nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.” The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘O God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school”. His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”. Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!” Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”. The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!” About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?” The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.” “Good son, what is it?” To which the son replies, “I’ve only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas bastards.”

A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, is God a man or a woman?” “Both son. God is both.” After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?” “Both son, both.” The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?”

Fred and Mary get married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’ He says: ‘Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think… I gave him my airplane glue.’

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again, the small voice whispered, “No” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No he’s busy” said the little voice. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?!” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, ” I am a Father.” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.” The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.” The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.” The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,”Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’ The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googledeach other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: ‘You got Male!

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Do you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.” Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’vebrushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his sockshad come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my god,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry Son, your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.” The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. “Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he’s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.” A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone from the nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, “Awww, just scaring the hell out of college kids!”

Twenty-four hours before his wedding, a young man asks his dad if he has any fatherly advice to impart before the big day. “Just two things,” the father says. “First off, tell her you must have one night a week to go out with the boys.” “And what’s the other one?” the son asks. “Don’t waste it on the boys.”

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. “Why?” my daughter asked. “Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.” I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.” “Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”

Entries in a Dog’s Diary: 7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite! 7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11 pm -Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite! Entries in a Cat’s Diary: Day 183 of my captivity … My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by winding around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. She speaks with them regularly. I am certain she reports my every move. Due to her current placement in the metal container, her safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.” “What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.” The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.” Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.” The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, “Where ‘s Belle?” The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,so another dog is pushing her home.”

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.” Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked. “Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.” So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!” The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?” The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?” The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?” The boy replied: “Yes. ‘Potentially,’ you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but ‘realistically,’ we’re living with two hookers and a future congressman or Govenor.”

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well. All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway. Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top of the water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and hits onto the green. The third guy just stands there a moment, all of a sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky grabs the third guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says “That’s the last time we play with your dad.

A man in Scotland calls his son in Edinburgh the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty years of misery is enough.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Aberdeen and tell her ” Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.” She calls home immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me!”

A man walks into a bar with a head under his arm, he sits down at the bar and places the head on the table. “Can I have a beer for me and my son please?” The barman looks a bit puzzled but gives them both a drink. The man tilts the boy’s head back and pours the drink down his throat. Suddenly like magic the boy grows a torso. “Wow, I am amazed I have never seen that before”, said the barman. “I’ll give him a drink on the house.” he added. The man again pours the drink down his throat and bam, the boy grows an arm. The people at the bar are so amazed by this they keep on buying the boy a drink until finally he has a full body. “Right dad, I’ve had enough, meet you back home.” At this the boy opened the door, stepped outside and got run over by a bus. The barman is distraught, “I am so sorry, if I knew that was going to happen I would have never bought him that drink. “Don’t worry,” the man said “he should of quit while he was ahead.”

Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let’s see. There’s Kneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height…oh, and Peter, who said, “Silver and gold I have none,” and no one could be much shorter than that.

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, “F.F.” His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.” Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.” She responded simply, “E.F.” He repeated, “F.F.” She again replied, “E.F.” “Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?” Bad Bernie answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: “Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?” “Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.” “Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I hope?” “Oh yes Miss, they don’t mess around at those crematoriums.”

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!” The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head” clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “He should’ve quit while he was a head!”

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we’ll talk about the car.” Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud. You’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I’m real disappointed, since you haven’t gotten your hair cut.” The young man paused a moment, and then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also.” To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom…”

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. “Kids,”they say, “you’re old enough now to go out and find yourselveshusbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to besure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of.” With that,they send their children forth to find mates.A few months later the first daughter returns. “Mom, Dad, I’d like youto meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter’s from Idaho.””Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter.”A few months after that the second daughter comes home. “Mom, Dad, I’dlike you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine.””Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul.”A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. “Mom, Dad, I’dlike you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw.””Um…would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?”The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do notapprove of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goesthrough with it.”But Mom! Dad! I thought you’d be thrilled! What’s the matter withTom Brokaw?””Don’t you understand? He’s a common tater!”

Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. “Kids,” they say, “you’re old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of.” With that, they send their children forth to find mates. A few months later the first daughter returns. “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter’s from Idaho.” “Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter.” A few months after that the second daughter comes home. “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine.” “Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul.” A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw.” “Um…would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?” The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it. “But Mom! Dad! I thought you’d be thrilled! What’s the matter with Tom Brokaw?” “Don’t you understand? He’s a common tater!”

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6) 2) Oysters’ balls are called pearls.(James age 6) 3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island If you don’t have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7) 4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend no more.(Kylie age 6) 5) A dolphin breathes through an assh*le on the top of its head.(Billy age 8) 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6) 7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7) 8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6) 9) I’m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write.(Amy age 6) 10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.(Christopher age 7)

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.” A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.” The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.” The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes!!!!”

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, “What’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. “Hey, Mister Bus Driver!” one of the chldren shouted. “Billy doesn’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” The bus driver turned around abruptly. “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy’s hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, “Teacher, what’s the Purple Wombat?” “You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” the teacher cried in alarm, “Get yourself to the principal’s office right now, young man. No, no buts — march!” So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal’s office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. “Well, Billy,” he began slowly. “What seems to be the problem?” “Mr. Principal, I just don’t know what’s going on today. Everyone’s been acting weird, and they’re all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff.” “Now, Billy, I’m here to help you. I’m the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone’s acting so strangely?” “It’s because I don’t know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is? That’s it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended.” The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. “Billy!” she called, sobbing, “I was so worried about you! What happened?” “Mom,” Billy cried, “Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal’s office and the principal suspended me, all because I don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “What? You don’t know what the Purple Wombat is?” Billy’s mother shrieked. “Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!” So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn’t know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. “Billy,” his father began in that lecturing-father tone, “Your mother says you’ve been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you’ve done?” “Dad, I haven’t done anything! I just don’t know what the Purple Wombat is!” “You…don’t know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!” Billy’s father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way — lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy.” Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy.” It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat.” Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy.” The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn’t care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy.” Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy.” Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I’m out here, Billy.” It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. “Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy.” The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: “Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I’m up here, Billy.” It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn’t know how to swim, so he drowned.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled. “I can’t dear,” she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” The little boy replied with a shaking voice, “The big sissy.”

Q: How many Dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A penguin

Keeping it Safe Dad is from the old school, where you keep your money under the mattress only he kept his in the underwear drawer. One day I bought my dad an unusual personal safe a can of spray paint with a false bottom so he could keep his money in the workshop. Later I asked Mom if he was using it. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “he put his money in it the same day.” “No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated. “They won’t have to,” my mom replied. “He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer.”

Grandma’s Visit Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. “I’m so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he’s been promising to do!” His grandmother was curious. “What trick is that, sweetie?” The little guy grinned at her. “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the gosh-darn walls if you came to visit us again!”

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, “Why does the boat float? The father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father repied. “Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, the boy asked his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” The father replied, “Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.”

Who were the shortest people in the Bible? Let’s see. There’sKneehighmiah, Bildad the Shoe-Height…oh, and Peter, who said, “Silver andgold I have none,” and no one could be much shorter than that.

“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”

SUNDAY: 0800 – My 33 Sons 0830 – Osama Knows Best 0900 – I Dream of Mohammed 0930 – Let’s Mecca Deal 1000 – The Kabul Hillbillies MONDAY: 0800 – Husseinfeld 0900 – Mad About Everything 0930 – Monday Night Stoning 1000 – Win Bin Laden’s Money 1030 – Allah McBeal TUESDAY: 0800 – Wheel of Terror 0830 – The Price is Right if Osama Says it’s Right 0900 – Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things 0930 – Taliban’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 1000 – Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer WEDNESDAY: 0800 – Beat the Press 0830 – When Kurds Attack 0900 – Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread 0930 – Just Shoot Everyone 1000 – Veilwatch THURSDAY: 0800 – Fatima Loves Chachi 0830 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H 0900 – Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils 0930 – Married with 139 Children 1000 – Eye for an Eye Witness News FRIDAY: 0800 – Judge Saddam 0830 – Suddenly Sanctions 0900 – Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire? 0930 – Cave and Garden Television 1000 – No-Witness News SATURDAY: 0800 – Spongebob Squareturban 0830 – Who’s Koran Is It Anyway? 0900 – Teletalibans 0930 – Camel 54, Where Are You? 1000 – Survival – Baghdad

A little boy had been pawing over the stock of greeting cards at a stationery store. After a few minutes the clerk became curious and asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for, sonny? Birthday greeting? Message to a sick friend? Anniversary congratulations to your mom and dad?” The boy shook his head, “No.” “Then what kind of card is it that you want?” asked the clerk. The boy answered wistfully, “Got anything in the line of blank report cards?”

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother. He says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliche for speed.” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. “After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea.” “WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I’d crapped in my pants!” He got the job.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. ‘Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.’ Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, ‘Sure. I have this,’ and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, ‘There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.’ She holds up the tiny pink elephant. ‘I mean, what in the world is this?’ (you’re gonna love this) The bank manager looks back at her and says… ‘It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man’s a Rolling Stone.’ (You’re singing it, aren’t you? Yeah, I know you are……..) Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Redneck Oneliners The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all watch this!” You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’ You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen, start your engines.” You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

There once was a boy named Jimmy. Jimmy was 8 years old old, almost 9. Jimmy NEVER got in trouble. So one day, he was doing art with his class at school and he broke the purple plate. His teacher said “Jimmy! You broke the purple plate! Go to the office!” So Jimmy went to the office, as he was told. When he got there, the principal asked him, “Hi there little Jimmy! Why are you here??” Jimmy told him about how he broke the purple plate. The principal said, “YOU ARE EXPELLED!” so Jimmy went home and told his dad about how he was expelled. His dad told him that he had to go live with the hobos because he broke the purple plate. Feeling glum, Jimmy went to live with the hobos. After a few days, he developed a good friendship with a man named Martin. He had purple eyes, which Jimmy thought was strange… One day, Martin gave Jimmy a dollar and told him to go buy some milk at the convenient store across the street. So Jimmy walked across the street and was his by a truck and died. What was the moral of this story? Look both ways before you cross the street or you will get hit by a truck.

New Math? A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.” Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.” Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Little Johnny ‘s next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said “Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all” said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby’s hand He looked at it’s mother and said “Oh What a Beautiful little baby”. The mother said “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, “this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?” The Mother said “why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said “well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn’t wear glasses!!!

It’s Saturday morning and John’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. “Hello?” says a little girl’s voice. “Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says John. “Is Mommy near the phone?” “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.” After a brief pause, John says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Fred, honey!” “Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!” “Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.” “Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.” “And what happened?” “Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.” “Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?” “He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.” There is a long pause. “Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”

This not a widely known fact, mainly because of the little-known popularity of the celebrity involved. You have to have attained a certain age to remember “Tatoo”, the short person on the TV series, “Fantasy Island”, with Ricardo Montelban and Herve Villechaize. You remember………”The Plane, Boss, The Plane ” !!! OK. It seems before Herve’s passing, he established an entire neighborhood of fully furnished, high dollar, condominiums in Florida’s Dade County. These condo’s were explicitly designed for persons Herve’s size. Everything was miniaturized down to the last detail. The benefactor, (Herve), provided this community of some 150 condo’s expressly for “The Little People” to have a free haven for the gathering and support of each other in a completely ‘No-Rent’, ‘No Mortgage’ environment! This totally unselfish gesture was not highly publicized. But, it was recently uncovered that the advertisement for taking over ownership of one of the condo’s was first spotted on aisle 6 of the HABA section in the grocery store, and billed as………………… Stay-Free Mini Pads !

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re drunk!”

One day while Little Johnny and his freind Arnie were playing out in the back yard,they started talking about their dads. Lil Johnny; My daddy is tougher than yours! Arnie; No way bud, my daddy is bad! Lil Johnny; I’m telling you man, my dad is badder than yours. Arnie; Man, my dad is so bad he took the motor out of his car with his bare hands and threw it on the ground! THATS how bad he is! Lil Johnny; Man that is pretty bad, but my dad is badder than that! Arnie;Oh yaeh? How’s that? Lil Johnny;My dad is so bad that he eats light bulbs. Arnie; Huh? No way. Have you seen him do that? Lil Johnny; No, but I was passing by him and mom’s bedroom door the other night and heard him tell mom “Turn out that light so I can eat that thing,” THAT’s how bad he is!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. “So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home. “Great,” Little Johnny replied. “Did you and daddy have a good time?” asked his mother. “Yeah, daddy really liked it too,” exclaimed Little Johnny, “especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three.” “Four,” answers the boy. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” says lil’ Johnny

Little Johnny’s Numbers The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.” “Good! Can you tell me what comes after three.” “Four,” answers little Johnny. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” says little Johnny.

Father Knows Best A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?” The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.” Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn nothing!”