Dating Jokes

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”

Who said men don’t remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up from is coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do,” she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?” Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?” “I remember that too” she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…”I would have gotten out today.”

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net” 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons 2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.” 1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, jerk.”

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.” William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.” His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine’s Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up. The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine’s Day gift with the following note: This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I’ll be kissing them in the future. I hope you’ll wear them Friday night for me. Love, Honey Bear P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office…. but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.” The girl looked at him, then said, “NO.” Eddie said, “I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.” She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…. so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, “Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast… he won’t even be able to get his pants down.” She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, “what happened….?” Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, “The bastard had all quarters!” Management Lesson: Always carefully consider a business proposition in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic,but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.” “These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.” “I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. ” “When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. ” “Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. “

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After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ‘California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.’ One week later, a Texas newspaper, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Bastrop, Bubba Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.” “Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George. “I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.” “Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: “British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.” One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: “After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M; scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology.”

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it’s triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago. 2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She’s a lawyer. 3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you. 4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can’t find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them. 5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He’s a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife. 6. Good: You give the ‘birds and bees’ talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections. 7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It’s another man. Ugly: He’s your best friend. 8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

I joined a Ukranian dating site and now I’ve got a chick in Kiev!

I’ll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way…Through alcohol and poor judgement!

I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana…Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if she starts choking on it!

I went Speed Dating once.“Have you got any pets?” one girl asked.“Yeah, a goldfish.”“Any hobbies?” she said.“Yes. He loves swimming!”

I’ll never join one of those online dating services.I prefer to meet people the old fashioned way….Through alcohol and bad judgements!

I’ve been dating this girl who works at the zoo. I’m pretty sure she’s a keeper.

I’ve tried dating websites. But no priest will a marry man and HTML.

My mate was devasted when a stunning Syrian lady stopped messaging him on a dating site . I told him don’t worry there’s plenty more refugee’s in the sea

My business running a dating agency for chickens just folded. Its hard making hens meet.

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”

Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs

I’ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.

Why people use Twitter: because updating 100 times a day on Facebook is not socially acceptable.

Dating a single mother…. It’s like continuing from somebody else’s saved game.

Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.