December Jokes

January – Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February – Couldn’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn’t fit into the typewriter. March – Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said “2-4 years.” April – Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May – Couldn’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets. June – Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August – Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September – When asked what the capital of California was: answered “C.” October – Hates M &M;’s because they are so hard to peel. November – Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December – Couldn’t call 911 because there was no “11” on any of the phone buttons.

One beautiful December evening Pepito and his girlfriend Pepita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pepe said “Hey, mamacita, let’s play Weeweechu.” “Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon” said Pepa. “Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pepito begged. “But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” “Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me.” Pepita looked at Pepito and said, “OK, one time, we’ll play Weeweechu.” Pepito grabbed his guitar and they both sang….. “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, “Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”

January – Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February – Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels……Helllloooo!!!…..bottles won’t fit in printer! March – Got really excited…..finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months…..box said “2-4 years!” April – Trapped on escalator for hours ? power went out!!! May – Tried to make Kool-Aid…..wrong instructions….8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets!!! June – Tried to go water skiing…..couldn’t find a lake with a slope. July – Lost breast stroke swimming competition…..learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August – Got locked out of my car in rain storm….car swamped because soft-top was open. September – The capital of California is “C”….isn’t it? October – Hate M & M’s…..they are so hard to peel. November – Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound – I weigh 108!! December – Couldn’t call 911…. “duh”….there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!

Long ago, Chuck Norris didn’t care about remembering when Jesus’ birthday was so he just so happened to send him a birthday card on December 25th. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Christmas.

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Why Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Their last name stays put. The garage is all theirs. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. They can be President. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100. People never stare at their chest when they’re talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. They know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. They can open all their own jars. They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack. Everything on their face stays its original color. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. They don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. They almost never have strap problems in public. They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. They don’t have to shave below their neck. Their belly usually hides their big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. They can “do” their nails with a pocketknife. They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

What did the ghost say on December 25th? Scary Christmas!

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Q: What did the ghost say on December 25th? A: Scary Christmas!

What did the strawberry say on December 25th? Berry Christmas!

Growing Old Gracefully? An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old coot!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Hoping my mate’s girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December…No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas!

Just seen Tom Daley on the M6 in Speedos on the 24th December…He was diving home for Christmas!

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg…That way you will start off the new year on the right foot!

I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.

To all my Friends: I need to be more active & spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook for the year . I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st. Thank you for understanding, I’ll miss you all dearly.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2012 & a beautiful beginning into 2013.

The public told to plan ahead for Christmas this year due to supply issues…This is forcing the majority of men to bring their shopping forward to December 23rd!

I’ve just read that Coldplay have been booked to play at Old Trafford in December…I’ve put £20 on them to win!

What did Adam say to the missus on the 24th of December?It’s Christmas Eve.

Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.That way you will start off the new year on the right foot.