Dentist Jokes

Captain Kidd prepared with his crew to search for buried treasure. Before setting out he consulted with his dentist, who advised him that all the best treasure out there was in the gold fillings of the teeth of various bodies, such as he might find in a cemetery or at the site of some battlefield. He kept this advice secret from his crew, and so when they landed on a desert island, they scattered, each using his own preferred means of treasure hunting, while Captain Kidd looked for cemeteries. He found several, dug up the bodies, and extracted many gold fillings from many teeth. He also came upon an old battlefield, and by exhuming the bodies there he was able to find still more gold fillings. He returned to the ship and met his crew, who had come back empty-handed, while Captain Kidd had two pouches brimming with the fruits of his labor. The crew asked him the secret of his success, to which he replied, “Before setting out, I consulted with my dentist, who said to me, ‘Booty is tooth, and tooth booty. That is all you know on earth, and all you need to know.’”

What time are you supposed to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty!

What is a dentist’s favorite musical instrument? A tuba toothpaste.

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Come And Visit Often Pardon Me For Not Getting Up – I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing – Permanently Don’t Come In Yet – Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Wishing You Were Here Sad As It Is, I’ll Never Yell At You Again Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. — Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde) John Brown is filling his last cavity. — Dentist’s Tombstone I told you that I was sick! — Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. — Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. — Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. — Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. — England Tombstone Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. — Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. — England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. — Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In “The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising. Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

The American Dental Association recently awarded their “Dentist of the Year” award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves… “Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No?” “Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.” And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.

A man walks into the dentist’s office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” The man grabs the dentist’s arm, “No way! I hate needles. I’m not having any shot!” So the dentist says, “Okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.” The man replies, “Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.” So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. “Here,” he says, “Take this pill.” The man asks, “What is it?” The dentist replies, “Viagra.” The man looks surprised. “Will that kill the pain?” he asks. “No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!”

One day a man walks into a dentist’s and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth? “$160,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $120.” “That’s still too expensive,” the man says. “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40.” “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20.” “Marvellous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday !”

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate thathad been put in earlier was corroding. “What have you been eating?” thedentists asked the man.”All I can think of is that about three months ago mywife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much,I put it on everything now.””That’s the problem,” the dentist said, frowning. “Hollandaise sauce containslemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I’ll make you a new plate, and thistime use chrome.””Why chrome?””It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for theHollandaise.”

Q: What is a dentist’s office? A: A filling station.

What’s the best time to go to the dentist? At toothhurty.

Q: What is a dentist’s favorite musical instrument? A: A tuba toothpaste.

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. “How old are you?” No response. The dentist then asked, “Don’t you know how old you are?” Immediately four tiny fingers went up. “Oh,” replied the dentist, “and do you know how old that is?” Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, “Can you talk?” The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, “Can you count?”

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” “That’s still too expensive,” the man says. “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.” “Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.” “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

A dentist found something wrong with one of his patients. The upper plate that had been put in earlier was corroding. “What have you been eating?” the dentists asked the man. “All I can think of is that about three months ago my wife made some asparagus and put Hollandaise sauce on it. I loved it so much, I put it on everything now.” “That’s the problem,” the dentist said, frowning. “Hollandaise sauce contains lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. I’ll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” “It’s simple. Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”

The American Dental Association recently awarded their “Dentist of theYear” award once again. But all it is is a little plaque.

What is a dentist’s office? A filling station.

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man’s tooth. ‘No way! No needles. I hate needles’ the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. ‘No objection,’ the patient says. ‘I’m fine with pills.’ The dentist then returns and says, Here’s a Viagra tablet.’ The patient says, ‘Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!’ It doesn’t’ said the dentist, ‘but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Our local dentist is doing half price teeth cleaning tomorrow…It’s Plaque Friday!#BlackFriday

My dentist told me, “This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?”I said, “Yes, I’m ready.”He said, “I’m sleeping with your wife!”

After a 69 with my gf, I had a dentist appt. Didn’t want the dentist to know so brushed my teeth 5 times. I sat in the dentist chair & dentist asked, “Did you have 69 before you came here?” Shocked I said, “Why can smell it on my breath?” “No, but your forehead smells of arse!”

I said, “You aren’t my usual dentist.”He said, “I’m just filling in!”

BREAKING NEWSDentists are going on strike after failing to reach an agreement over a pay rise.Brace yourselves!

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me…I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won’t reduce cavities!

What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?Denis

My daughter has gone for a job interview at the local dentists. It’s for taking moulds of peoples teeth…I hope she makes a good impression!

My dentist told me ,”This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?”I said, “Yes, I’m ready.”He said, “I’m sleeping with your wife!”

I just got told by my dentist that he is homosexual. Bloody Tooth Fairy!