Detective Jokes

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”The Policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,”Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds “…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE.

That’s a bit expensive just for a dare isn’t it? I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday. Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were a man… I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage. Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples… Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU Look, if you’re that desperate to attract a man I’ll fix you up myself Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don’t. Is the ‘plain, severe and drab’ look in this season? Size 12? That’s a bit optimistic isn’t it? Hi, I’m from Weightwatchers I wouldn’t buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots Excuse me, but since you’re obviously colourblind would you like any help? Isn’t it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that? God, you’re fat. Don’t you care about yourself? I’m sorry, I owe you an apology. I’m the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you’d stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it’s really all you…

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?” “I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, ‘I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.’ Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, ‘Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?’

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot.” One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

Had a load of mates round for a party and someone threw up in the kitchen sink…Nobody wants to own up to it so I guess I’m going to have to get the friends sick detective round!

I accidentally solved a detective case…I’m Sheer Luck Holmes!

My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”“Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way!”

Debt collectors calling you? They don’t call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

My girlfriend said you act like a detective too much. I want to split up…Good idea, I replied.That way we can cover more ground.

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?Sheer Luck Holmes.

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?Sheer Luck Holmes.

What do you call a detective electrician?Sherlock Ohms.