Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.” The lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.” Again, the lady from the South commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.” And again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, isn’t that precious?” The first woman then asked the Southern lady, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?” “My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady. “Oh my God! What on earth for?”, asked the first woman. The Southern lady responded, “Well for example, instead of saying “Who gives a sh*t?” I learned to say, “Well, isn’t that precious?”
- The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. ~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
- Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter.
- There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
- A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. “Begorrah, Colleen,” says her mother. “Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin’ an’ it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?” Colleen replies, “Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London?” When the weekend’s over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom…same “Won it at bingo!” Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she’s back. This time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, “Mom! sure now, didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!” “Indeed there is, me darlin,” replies her Mom. “But we don’t want ye gettin’ yer bingo card wet now, do we?” You can never fool your Mom.
- Has anyone else noted the trend where people name their kids stuff they can’t afford:Mercedes Diamond Chardonnay Rent Gas Electric
- l asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”So, I bought her nothing!
- Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you’ll wish you had a club and a spade!
- Have you heard Neil Diamonds new Christmas song? I can’t recall the lyrics but I remember it had a sweet carol line
- Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal. He changed his name when the pressure got to him.
- I told my GF I was buying her some diamonds for her birthday. She said that nothing would please her more. So I got her nothing.
- When I’m on my death bed, I want my last words to be….”I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my Face Book!…..”, just to get them to read all the jokes I’ve posted.
- Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.
- The diamond ring on your finger says “married” but the reveling clothes you are wearing says “still looking.”
- I asked my wife if she’d like a diamond necklace for her birthday.She said, “Nothing would make me happier.”So I got her nothing instead!
- I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but my dog ate the ring.Now it’s a diamond in the ruff.
- I couldn’t think what present to get my wife for her birthday, so I asked her.With tears welling in her eyes, she replied, “oh darling, nothing would make me happier than some diamond earrings”.So, I got her nothing.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.She replied, Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.So, I brought her nothing.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.”So, I brought her nothing.
- I bought a diamond ring on St. Patricks day but found out it was a fake.They gave me a sham rock.
- I was going to propose to my girlfriend, but my dog ate the ring.Now it’s a diamond in the ruff.
- l asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.She replied, “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.” So, I brought her nothing.