Doctor Jokes

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.” The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,”Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.” The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. “Why is the male brain so much more?” The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

The power mower was broken and wouldn’t run. A lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “You might as well sweep the sidewalks.” The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying awake looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?” “I see thousands of stars,” replied Watson. Then Holmes asked, “And what does that mean to you?” “Well,” said Watson “I suppose it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?” “To me Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent!”

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, “Mr. Tomato?” The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, “How is he?” The doctor replied, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full…of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans…we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves…and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself…and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions — what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf – always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. “There are two things wrong with you,” he said. “You have cancer and Alzheimer’s.” “Well,” said the man, “at least I don’t have cancer.”

Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn’s shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.” She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?” His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Barry, I’m not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t!.”

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient’s room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired, “And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?” “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor asks, “If he’s your friend, don’t you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?” “What? And work in the dark?”

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor… “I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said the husband. “My testicles are turning blue.” “That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.” The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck’s testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?” “Yes, I am,” she replied. “And what kind of jelly are you using with it?” “Grape”

Q: Have you seen the new Barbie Doctor doll? A: You wind her up, and she operates on batteries.

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts… 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, ‘Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?’ Jerry replies, ‘God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I’m done, *poof*!, the light goes off.’ ‘Wow, that’s incredible,’ the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry’s wife. ‘ Ginger ,’ he says, ‘Jerry is doing fine but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, *poof*! the light goes off?’ ‘OH MY GOD!’ Ginger exclaims. ‘He’s peeing in the fridge again!!!!’

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. “Come now,” coaxed the doctor, “you’ve been seeing me for years! There’s nothing you can’t tell me.” “This one’s kind of strange…” “Let me be the judge of that,” the doctor replied. “Well,” she said, “yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink- plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.” “I see.” “That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl.” “Uh-huh” “That night,” she went on, “there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You’ve got to tell me what’s wrong with me!,” she implored, “I’m scared out of my wits!” The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “There, there, it’s nothing to be scared about.” “You’re simply going through the change”

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor’s for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ”Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?” And the man says, ”Oh me and God? We’re tight. We have a real bond, he’s good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.” Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man’s wife and said, ”I’d like to speak to you about your husband’s connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?” And she says, ”That idiot, he’s been pissing in the fridge!”

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…. Something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1000 an inch.” The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you wa nt. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.” The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?” “I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you in making the decision?” “She has,” says the man. “And what is it?” asks the doctor. “We’re getting a new kitchen.”

Ze Woman, She Is Dead! An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah, young love… ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… C’est magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day’s that he’d once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!” before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, “Jean…Jean…zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gaston’s field making love.” The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L’amour! Zis is OK.” “Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed, “Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston’s field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!” To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember…it’s spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L’amour! Zis is very natural.” Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!” Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!”

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. ‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?’ ‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.’

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; …she’s dead.”

A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?” The doctor replied, “It will keep the sheets off of his legs.”

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much left.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.” “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.” The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor. “It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.” “So, what’s your problem?” “I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn’t eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food. “What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll drown.” The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. “Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor inquires. “He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken man. “I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Doctor. “No.” lamented the man. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’ The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. ‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor. ‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.” “Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But, what happened to your other ear?” “The jerk called back!”

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get any sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?” “That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend four hours trying to find it.”

Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room. “He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.” “How will I be sure?” she pressed. “Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. Tequila……………..: Leave Shyness Behind!

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, “Ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was. He said, “Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That’s a post turtle.”

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.”

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.” Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.” Joe was surprised. “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.” Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Chuck Norris’ prostate is used to examine doctor’s fingers.

A couple in their nineties are BOTH having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically in good condition for their age, but if they are having trouble remembering they might want to start writing things down to help them. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Where are you going?” his wife asks. “To the kitchen” he replies. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” “Sure.” “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks, recalling the doctor’s suggestion. “No, I can remember it.” “Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.” He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” “I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts. Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down. Just don’t start with that! Leave me alone!! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles on into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, “Where’s my toast?”

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results. The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.” “What do you mean?” “Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.” “That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith. “Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.” “Well, what am I supposed to do now?” “The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament. The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?” “Well, yes,” the doctor replies, “but never framed.”

Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor…. no one slaps Chuck Norris

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!” The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head” clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “He should’ve quit while he was a head!”

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong?” asked the Doc.. “Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked real good,” said Homer. “Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene’d come runnin’. We’d find a secluded place, make love, and then she’d go back home again.” “Good, Homer. So what’s the problem?” asked the Doc. “I ain’t seen her since huntin’ season started.”

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. “Get well soon…..From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor… “I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said the husband. “My testicles are turning blue.” “That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.” The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck’s testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?” “Yes, I am,” she replied. “And what kind of jelly are you using with it?” “Grape”

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnutdaiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor’s habit and wouldalways have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnutextract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took asip and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!””No, I’m sorry,” the bartender replied. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

Q: Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach? A: Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

An old man and his wife went to the doctor’s office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample. The old man was slightly deaf and said, ”What?” Again, the doctor said, ”I need a blood, urine and feces sample.” The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear: ”Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!”

A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. “Are you my doctor?” he asked. “Yes, I am,” said the doctor. The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth.” He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?” “Yes, I am,” said the mother. “Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born,” he said. He then looked at his father and asked, “Are you my father?” “Yes, I am,” his father answered. The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger. “Hurts doesn’t it!?!”

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds. The blonde follows the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she’d indeed lost twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: “How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said. The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.” The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?” “No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!” The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?” “No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”

A man tells a doctor, “I think my wife’s going deaf. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is.” The man goes home, sees his wife and says, “Hi honey, what’s for dinner?” He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He repeats this several times, until he’s standing right next to her. Finally, she answers, “For the tenth time, I said we’re having Pot Roast!”

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said “Please give me a prescription for the Pill.” “I don’t think you need the Pill at your age.” “It relaxes me.” “But you know the ‘purpose’ of the Pill. It’s not for relaxing,” exclaimed the physician. “I know,” said Mrs Ogden, “but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to get his wife’s test results. The lab technician says to him, “I’m very sorry, sir, but we’ve had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife’s samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we’re not sure which results are your wife’s. But, frankly, it’s either bad news or terrible news!” “What do you mean?” said Mr. Smith. “Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can’t tell which is your wife’s test.” “This is terrible!” cries Mr. Smith. “Can’t we do the test over?” Normally, yes,” says the technician, “but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.” Well, what am I supposed to do now?” said Mr. Smith. “Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?” The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?” “He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Rabbi Bernstein was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the procedure, since it was considered cosmetic surgery. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for “small,” $6500 for “medium,” and $14,000 for “large.” Rabbi Bernstein was sure that his wife and he would want at the least, a medium ..and perhaps even a large. But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The rabbi called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the rabbi slouched over in the chair looking quite dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor. Rabbi Bernstein answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better… I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?” The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went “bang, bang, bang”, and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year old said, “I’d say somebody else shot the beaver.” The doctor said, “My point exactly”.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.” “That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”

A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!” The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?” The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

* You dance and it makes the band skip. * You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. * You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. * You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. * Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.” * You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. * You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. * You could sell shade. * Your blood type is Ragu. * You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

Despite whatever Gene Simmons says, Chuck Norris IS Doctor Love.

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.” “Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”

Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy. Lunch Break: (Love this one) * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. “I’m not quite sure it’s a duck,” he said, “I think that I will have to get a second opinion.” And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. “I’ll have to do some more investigations,” he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey’s identity. “Now, I know it’s a duck, but does it know it’s a duck?” The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon’s weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. “Go see if that was a duck, will you?”

Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. “It’s terrible,” she said to the doctor. “I haven’t moved my bowels in more than a week.” “I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor. “Oh, yes,” Aunt Cora replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night.” “No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?” “Of course I do.” she answered, “I take a magazine.”

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles…’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’ Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,”I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

Doctor: “I’ve got bad news for you. You are terminally ill.” Patient: “Is there anything I can do?” Doctor: “No, nothing.” Patient: “There has to be something…” Doctor: “No, nothing.” Patient: “Nothing at all?” Doctor: “Well, you can start taking mud baths.” Patient: “Does that help?” Doctor: “Not really, but your body will start to get used to being in the earth.”

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, “I think my dog is dead”. The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn’t move. “Yes, your dog is dead,” says the doctor. “How much do I owe you?” the lady asks. “$345,” says the doctor. “$345!!?” the lady asks. “Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan.”

Little Johnny ‘s next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said “Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all” said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby’s hand He looked at it’s mother and said “Oh What a Beautiful little baby”. The mother said “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, “this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?” The Mother said “why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said “well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn’t wear glasses!!!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.” Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, “Aahhhhh!” “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks. “No… I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!”

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, “Mr. Tomato?” The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, “How is he?” The doctor replied, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?” “Nine,” says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?” “Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ….. Smiled and said, “He mated 50 times last year, that’s almost once a week”. We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, “WOW~~That’s more than twice a week! ………. You could learn a lot from him”. We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said: THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, “That’s once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one”. I looked at her and said, “Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow”. My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

This guy comes blasting into the doctor’s office and exclaims, excitedly, “Doctor, I think I’m shrinking! I think I’m shrinking!” “Ok, just settle down sir,” the doctor says. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” Yes, they help me sleep at night. ” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. ” You gotta love Grandmas!

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn’t much left.

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, “Have you ever tried playing doctor?” His mate says, “No what’s it like?” The man replies, “It’s amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours.” His mate, shocked says, “10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?” “I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours.”

Hearing Problems An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Powerful Pills “Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?” “Look, I can’t prescribe…” “Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I’m desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.” The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.” “I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold…” “One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?” “Um… okay.” He thanks the doc and heads for home where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. In fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He thinks for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes… he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I need a man…” His eyes glitter, and his hands tremble as he replies, “Yeah.. Me too..”

So a guy calls into work and says, “I can’t come in today, I’m seeing spots.” “Have you seen a doctor?” “No, just the spots.”

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten off his fingers. He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s haf da fingers and I’ll see vhat I can do.” Ole said, “I hafn’t got da fingers.” “Vhat do you mean, you hafn’t got da fingers?” the doctor cried. “Yumpin’ yiminy! It’s 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you bring da fingers?” To vhich Ole replied… (Are you ready for dis???) “How da fock was I suppose to pick’em up?”

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. “Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor. “You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman. “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.” “No,” said the doctor calmly, “He’ll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.”

Chuck Norris’ prostate has eaten dozens of doctor’s middle fingers.

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.” “I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor’s every move, he asked, “What’s that?” The doctor explained, “This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won’t know a thing.” “Save your time, Doc,” exclaimed the man. “He don’t know nothing now.”

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?” The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.” Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.” Joe was surprised. “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.” Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you’ll have to pee. 2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug. 15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. 16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly. 17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, “Hey, Boudreaux! You just had you-self a son! Ain’t dat grand!” Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!” The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too.” Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, “Hold on, we still ain’t got done yet!” The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!” When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?” His wife said, “Yeah, I do!” Boudreaux said, “Man, it’s a dang good ting we didn’t use no WD-forty.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You only have 10 left to live. Patient: Ten what? Doctor: Nine. Eight…

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?” A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?” Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife?” “Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”