Doctor Jokes

Start at the very beginning… When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.” “Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. “Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

Growing Old Gracefully? An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old coot!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

Blonde as a Mother My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.” “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. “Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.” “That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “The gentleman was your doctor.”

Yo mama so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her 10 years to live.

“Doctor, doctor, there’s a lettuce sticking out of my bum! Is it serious?” “I’m sorry to tell you, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor’s office. He says, “Doc, I’m not feeling well. What’s wrong with me?”The doctor says, “First of all, you’re not eating right….”

Q: What did the blonde say when her doctor told her that she was pregnant? A: “Is it mine?”

Doctor to patient with gash on forehead: “What was the last thing you heard before the helicopter rotor hit you?” “Someone shouting ‘Duck, duck go!’”

Why did the crocheter go to the doctor? They had a bad case of yarn-itis!

I told my doctor, “Yoga is the best antidepressant available.”“Sounds like a bit of a stretch,” he replied.

I went to the doctors this morning and I said, “I feel like I’ve got some cutlery stuck in my throat.”The doctor had a look and said, “It’s not serious, you just need to have utensils taken out!”

A lady and a crying baby went to the doctors. The doctor checked the baby & asked if it was breastfed. She said, “Yes.” The doctor then examined the her breasts, pinching & prodding. He said, “But you are not making any milk?” She said, “I know, I’m his gran, but I enjoyed that!”

I went to the doctors & found out that my new doctor is young, female & drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed but she said, “Don’t worry I’m a professional I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong & I’ll check it.I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny!”

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, “The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection.”I said, “How come?” He said, “Well, your wife is very ugly!”

A guy returns home from the doctors. His mate asks, “Why are you looking so miserable?”“The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life.”His mate adds, “That’s not too bad.”The guy says, “It is – he’s only given me four tablets!”

A woman with 3 vaginas went to the doctor about her embarrassing problem.The doctor sewed up 2 of the holes, leaving just the middle one open.“Am I cured?” she asked.“Not as such, he replied. “But it will stop you getting fucked, left, right and centre!”

Deciding to turn off my mother-in-laws life support machine was the second hardest thing I’ve ever done…The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

As I regained consciousness in hospital from last night’s car crash, the doctors were trying to convince me I’m actually a Swedish bloke who has forgotten his identity…But I wasn’t Bjorn yesterday!

Doctor: “Relax David. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.”Me: “But my name isn’t David?”Doctor: “I know. I’m David!”

I went to the bar and ordered a pint of Less.The barman asks, “What’s Less?”I answered, “I don’t really know but the doctor told me to start drinking it!”

I’ve been trying to get an appointment to see my doctor for ages. I finally saw him on Tuesday and showed him the rash on my bollocks…The twat just ignored me and kept pushing his trolley around Tesco!

I’m in hospital. Dont Panic. I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb…Doctors say I’ll be out in the spring!

I asked my doctor if the spots on my chest were measles or chicken pox…He said he never makes rash decisions!

I went to the doctors with a pain in my big toe.He said, “Gout.”I said, “I’ve only just come in!”

I told the female doctor that my tennis elbow was hurting. She said, “How many years have you had it for?”I said, “15 love!”

My Italian friend has just lost both of his hands in a horrific accident…His doctor is worried that he may never talk again!

Porn stars must have the best CVs…Babysitter, nurse, doctor, plumber, cop, firefighter!

I went to hospital yesterday to have an operation and there was a sign in the car park saying ‘Thieves operate here’.Personally I prefer doctors, so I left!

My neighbour was rushed into hospital with a golf ball up his backside…The Doctor said it’s gone up a fairway!

A girl visits her doctors & tells him she has a terrible discharge.“Take your knickers off, spread your legs & I’ll check it out.”She drops her knickers, opens her legs & he has a good feel around.“How does that feel?”“Bloody wonderful but the discharge is from my ears!”

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a Doctor…Then I realised I could just like Facebook photos to save lives!

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst…So I’ve had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back!

I took my wife to Australia on our honeymoon, and she got stung on her vagina by a jellyfish whilst swimming in the sea.I rang an Aussie doctor and explained our predicament about her vagina being swollen shut.The doctor replied, “Ahh bummer mate.”So I did!

I said, “Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a hotel.”He said, “Can I examine you?”I said, “Be my guest!”

I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight.The doctor said, “Just shake your head.”I asked him, “How often?”He said, “Whenever someone offers you some food you fat cunt!”

I called up the doctor and said, “Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast. What should I do?”“Is this her first child?” he asked.“No, this is her husband.”

A man goes to the doctors complaining that when he poos it comes out like chip shapes.The doctor asks, “Can you demonstrate?” to which the man does.The doctor pauses for a few moments and says, “Try lifting your string vest up next time!”

When the doctor examined me and said my prostate was fine, I was deeply touched!

A man fell into a display of 300 golf clubs at a sports shop earlier today…Doctors have said that he should be ok but he’s not out of the woods yet!

Went for a check up and asked the Doctor, “Do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life?”He replied, “I’m not sure. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”I said, “I don’t believe in any of that astrology nonsense!”He replied, “Neither do I. My thermometer just broke!”

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park!”

I keep having a recurring dream that I am turning into a joint of ham…Might go and see the doctor, I hope I can be cured!

My doctor told me to take two tablets every four hours…Now I’m banned from Currys!

Had a call from the doctors today. Apparently my blood test showed I have monkeypox…They asked me to swing by the surgery!

I said to the doctor, “I’m having trouble pronouncing words beginning with F and TH.”The doctor replied, “Well, you can’t say fairer than that!”

Me: “Doctor, doctor, I’m addicted to fucking dogs.”Doctor: “Have you tried patches?”Me: “What’s he? A poodle?”

When I lost my fingers in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I’d be able to use my hand again. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it!”

I went to my family doctor to get a referral for a vasectomy.He asked, “Are you sure your wife doesn’t want to have any more children?”I said, “No, but I am pretty sure my secretary doesn’t want to have any more abortions!”

I went to the doctors yesterday as I’ve been getting worried about my increasing weight.The doctor weighed me and I was nearly 13 stone.He then asked me, “What’s the lowest weight you’ve been?”I replied, “About 6Ib 10oz!”

Doctor: “So you’re telling me that you have a problem hearing with one of your ears. Are you sure?”Me: “Yes, I’m definite!”

If the doctors do go on strike, will they continue using Skype or Zoom?I’m just curious as I’ve never seen a virtual picket line before!

I went to the doctors this morning and I said I feel like I’ve got some cutlery stuck in my throat…The doctor had a look and said it’s not serious you just need to have utensils taken out!

When the doctor examined me I had a sausage in my ear, gravy and custard all over my shirt, and mashed potato in my hair. I said, “What’s the problem doc?”He said, “You’re not eating properly!”

I phoned the doctors surgery earlier and the doctor answered.I said, “Hello Doctor. Is the receptionist there? I need some medical advice!”

I went to see the doctor about a rash on my cock today. He asked me to drop my pants then he examined it.“Hmmmm, how long have you had it?” he asked.“About 8 inches on a warm day,” I replied.

Just got the cast off my broken hand. I asked the doctor if I can play the piano when this is removed.He said, “Of course you can.”I said, “That’s great, I couldn’t before!”

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.”“Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked.I said, “On the bus!”

Hands trembling, I checked the numbers again…9-15-21-08-20-22.I was in shock, after all these years I’d finally got a doctors appointment!

I called the doctor.”My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”“Is this her first child?” he asked.“No, this is her husband!”

I went to the doctors this morning and told him that every time I cough I hear words like knight bishop pawn and queen…He said I had a chess infection!

I went to the doctors yesterday, because I’ve started saying everything twice…He gave me a repeat prescription!

My doctor has put me on a diet.He said to me, “Follow it the best you can, although it’s ok to cheat once in a while.”So tonight, I’m shagging my girlfriend’s best mate!

Had the shits for 4 weeks now. Went to the doctors today and he told me not to worry and that they go back to school in two weeks!

I went to the doctor and he said, “You’ve got hypochondria.”I said, “Not that as well!”

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, “That’s the cleanest vagina I’ve ever seen!”The lesbian replied, “Thank you, I have a woman in twice a week!”

Had the shits for 6 weeks now. Went to the doctors this morning and he told me not to worry and that they go back to school today!

Doctors have discovered that wearing a baseball glove increases your chances of catching something!

As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes!”

I had to go to the A&E last night. I told the doctor that every time I cough, it sounds like I’m saying words like knight, bishop, pawn and queen…He said, “You’ve got a chess infection!”

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it!”

The doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night. It’s brilliant…It doesn’t matter which position we are in, nothing wakes her up!

Visited my doctor yesterday. He told me my sugar was too high…So when I got home I moved it to a lower shelf!

My doctor told me that I’m suffering from insomnia.I asked, “Is it serious?”He said, “There’s no cause for any alarm!”

A man wakes up in the hospital and starts yelling, “I can’t feel my legs I can’t feel my legs.” The doctor runs in and says, “I know I had to amputate your arms!”

My mate has swallowed some Lego. The doctor’s aren’t too worried, but he’s shitting bricks!

Doctor: “Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.”Me: “But my name isn’t David?”Doctor: “I know. I’m David!”

I had my leg X-rayed today. The doctor said, “Your patella measures 2.54cm.”I said, “Inch-high knees?”He said, “您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.”

The female doctor said, “There’s no good way to tell you this…”I said, “What if you get your tits out, that might soften the blow!”

My doctor told me I’m going deaf…The news was hard for me to hear!

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic…He said, “Go ahead, knock yourself out!”

Yesterday I had a stranger knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my rear and film the whole thing…Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy!

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse!

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling, “Let me through, let me through!”A man at the front said, “Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?” I said, “No, that’s my fucking pizza!”

Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the Doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory…Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday!

I’m in hospital with food poisoning. I mistook some daffodill bulbs for onions…The doctor said I should be out in the spring!

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay…I’m shitting bricks to be honest!

A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs. In fact he was stumped.

After a weekend in Amsterdam my bollocks became enlarged, red and itchy. I went to my doctor who told me it could be a number of STD’s. Worried my wife would soon find out I asked if it might clear up on its own. He said he didn’t want to make any rash promises.

I said to my Doctor, “I’ve become a can of deodorant.” He said, “Are you sure?” I replied, “No, I’m Lynx.”

Went to the doctors and told him l was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked how does your wife feel about it? I said she took it on the chin the first time but now its getting on her tits…

I went to the doctors this morning as I had a strawberry growing from my ear. He gave me some cream for it.

When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.

Me: ” Doctor can you die from Constipation” ? I’m a bit worried how full of Shit some people are !”

I went to my doctor and during my examination I confided in him that I seem to have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times… … … Without hesitation, my doctor said, “You have a gag reflex.”

The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle.

My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing…