Doctor Jokes

My Grandma always used to say, An apple a day keeps the doctor away.I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of Granny’s myths.

The doctor said I got the peek-a-boo virus.They sent me straight to ICU.

Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to twitter.Doctor: I don’t follow you.

When I asked my doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic, he said…Go ahead! Knock yourself out!

Doctor: So, you’re telling me that you have a problem hearing with one of your ears. Are you sure?Me: Yes, I’m definite.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but we had to remove your colon.Me Why?

Doctor: Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwardsMe: and?

My doctor says I have a narcissistic personality disorder.But that’s impossible – as the smartest man alive I would have noticed.

I called the doctor My wife is going into labour! What should I do?Is this her first child? he asked.No, this is her husband.

Doctor: Sorry, we had to remove your colon.Me Why?

Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.Me: But my name isn’t David.Doctor: I know. I’m David.

My cousin was hospitalised after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum.Doctors described his condition as stable.

Today my doctor told me I was color blind.That really came out of the purple.

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.Me: 0Mg.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.I haven’t heard from him since.

Doctor you’ve got to help me, l’m addicted to twitter.Doctor: I don’t follow you.

I have a disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.My doctor says it’s terminal.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so l asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said: Maybe, but I wouldn’t count On it.

Today my doctor told me that my DNA was backwardsI said And?

I told the doctor’s receptionist I need an appointment.How about 10 tomorrow? she asked.I don’t need that many, I replied.

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.He said: Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.

A man walks into a doctors.What seems to be the problem? asks the doctor.It’s… um… well….. I have five penises, replies the man.Blimey! says the doctor, how do your trousers fit?Like a glove.

What’s the worst part of an apple addiction?You can’t see a doctor about it.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.That came out of nowhere.