Dog Jokes

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers”. He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. “What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks. “I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.” So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. “What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog!”

Good Pedigree The lil’ Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. “I want a dog of which I can be proud,” she told the salesman. “Does that one have a good pedigree?” “Miss,” declared the clerk, “if she could speak, she wouldn’t talk to either one of us.”

You’re Not Old Unless You Can Remember… Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk or sodas. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone’s mom was home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebread dog. When you reach into a muddy water gutter for a penny. When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed… and did! When you mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking… for free, every time and you didn’t pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration. “Thanks,” says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

The Man and the Dog There is an old story about the data center of the future. This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man’s job is to feed the dog. The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

Mitt Romney is so rich, he has someone to stir up his fruit on the bottom. Mitt Romney is so rich that he Fed Ex’s his Christmas cards. Mitt Romney is so rich, he hires someone to peel those stringy parts off his bananas. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he has custom-printed deposit slips with room for more zeroes. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy all the pies in Belgium. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s even suspicious of his dog’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, that if someone else eats the last cookie, he can send his cookie-boy out to get more. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could wallpaper his bathroom in $1000 bills, and it wouldn’t measurably affect the value of his house. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford a Partridge Family bus with Danny Bonaduce as his driver. Mitt Romney is so rich, his wife doesn’t bother asking him to take out the trash. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can call Warren Buffet, ‘Boy’. Mitt Romney is so rich, he’s afraid to bank in person for fear that bank employees will stick him up. Mitt Romney is so rich, his portfolio could drop 99% and he’d still be wealthier than anyone you know. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy Janet Reno’s affection. Mitt Romney is so rich, he can afford to have the big screen version of ‘Titanic’ recreated live for his birthday. Mitt Romney is so rich, that he could wear a Monica Lewinsky beret, and he would just be considered eccentric. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could fund his own ballet company with himself as the lead dancer, and it wouldn’t matter if no one paid to see him. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could hire the Green Bay Packers to play the Denver Broncos in his back yard. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could host his own Olympic Games, and give out one-ton gold medals. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could afford a really cool train set running all around his house. And I don’t mean a toy train. Mitt Romney is so rich, he could buy the press’s silence regarding his naked two-man luge escapade.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can’t jump.

There were two retired racehorses living in a pasture. Their names were Razzle and Dazzle. Every day they would race from one end of the pasture to the other. On the first day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The next day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. The third day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. A dog who had been watching them race day after day finally asked them, “Why is it that Razzle always wins by a nose?” And Razzle said to Dazzle, “Look, Dazzle, a talking dog!”

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here’s how… An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn’t pour **** out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not the brightest light bulb. Not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not playing with all 52 cards. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. A few feathers short of a full pillow. Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot. A few links short in a chain. A door without a handle. A few bits short of a byte.

A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Mind Games for Dogs 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON’T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your human’s bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they’re talking about. 4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go ‘poo’. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 6. Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump” “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go” “But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered. “But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack”.

SUNDAY: 0800 – My 33 Sons 0830 – Osama Knows Best 0900 – I Dream of Mohammed 0930 – Let’s Mecca Deal 1000 – The Kabul Hillbillies MONDAY: 0800 – Husseinfeld 0900 – Mad About Everything 0930 – Monday Night Stoning 1000 – Win Bin Laden’s Money 1030 – Allah McBeal TUESDAY: 0800 – Wheel of Terror 0830 – The Price is Right if Osama Says it’s Right 0900 – Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things 0930 – Taliban’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers 1000 – Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer WEDNESDAY: 0800 – Beat the Press 0830 – When Kurds Attack 0900 – Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread 0930 – Just Shoot Everyone 1000 – Veilwatch THURSDAY: 0800 – Fatima Loves Chachi 0830 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H 0900 – Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils 0930 – Married with 139 Children 1000 – Eye for an Eye Witness News FRIDAY: 0800 – Judge Saddam 0830 – Suddenly Sanctions 0900 – Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire? 0930 – Cave and Garden Television 1000 – No-Witness News SATURDAY: 0800 – Spongebob Squareturban 0830 – Who’s Koran Is It Anyway? 0900 – Teletalibans 0930 – Camel 54, Where Are You? 1000 – Survival – Baghdad

Q: What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything.

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

Chuck Norris easily won the Iditarod dog sled race by pulling a sled load of 16 dogs, 800 pounds of supplies and with a dead sperm whale chained behind it.

Why did the dog roll down the hill? It didn?t have any legs.

If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant. – Unknown Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies. – Gene Hill In dog years, I’m dead. – Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. – Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. – Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. – August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. – Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. – James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. – Nora Ephron Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. – Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. – Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! – Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. – Ben Williams When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. – Edward Abbey Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. – Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of his tail. – Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. – Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. – Josh Billings Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be. – Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. – Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. – Smiley Blanton I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. – John Steinbeck

12. Specifications are for the weak and timid! 11. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code! 10. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon. 9. Indentation?! — I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 8. What is this talk of ‘release’? Klingons do not make software ‘releases’. Our software ‘escapes’ leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake. 7. Klingon function calls do not have ‘parameters’ — they have ‘arguments’ — and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 6. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 5. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again. 4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 3. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die! 2. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, ” I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies, ” But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.”Two dogs, please.” Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part of the dog did you get?”

The buddhist walks up to the hot dog vendor and tells him to “make me one with everything.” …The vendor gives him a hot dog and the buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill. After a moment of waiting, the buddhist asks, “Where’s my change?” The vendor smiles and says, “Ahh, change must come from within.”

These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’? A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him… Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Inoculations A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished. After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman’s poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.” The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.”Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!” The next time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !” An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Q: What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? A: Out, out, damned Spot!

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, “I think my dog is dead”. The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn’t move. “Yes, your dog is dead,” says the doctor. “How much do I owe you?” the lady asks. “$345,” says the doctor. “$345!!?” the lady asks. “Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan.”

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration. “Thanks,” the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little partner,” the fire fighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away? 22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better. 17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win. 16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight. 15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here 14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You. 13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head). 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You. 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me. 3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles. 2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer. And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is… 1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few