After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home … including the curtain rods.
- Donna’s husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike’s obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?” The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.” Donna then said, “I want the obituary to read – MIKE IS DEAD.” The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, “I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.” Donna’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”
- Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna’s film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy’s sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: “Don’t cry for me, Marge and Tina.”
- Maybe this is why they don’t teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests… – The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. – Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. – Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. – All female parts were sung by castrati. We don’t know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. – Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven’s Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin’s Rap City in Blue. – Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. – A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. – Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. – Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. – I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say. – Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. – Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
- Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna’sfilm Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the lastminute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them.Feeling bad for Cindy’s sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindyconsoled them: “Don’t cry for me, Marge and Tina.”
- Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, ‘Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, ‘I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she’s gone. The second says, ‘I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, ‘I want to be Sara Pipalini..’ St. Peter looks perplexed. ‘Who?’ he ask ‘Sara Pipalini,’ replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, ‘I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t Ring a bell.’ The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and Says. ‘No sister, the paper says it was the ‘ Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.’ If you laugh, you’re going straight to hell!
- Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be. The first spinster says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone. The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini” replies the old spinster. St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old gal then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
- Has anyone else noted the trend where people name their kids stuff they can’t afford:Mercedes Diamond Chardonnay Rent Gas Electric
- I don’t get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from Africa.
- Me “Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg.” Her “Who’s Donna??”