Drug Jokes

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner? The pharmacist answers, Yes. Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do. Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds. Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis? Pharmacist: Definitely. Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course. Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works. Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease? Pharmacist: Absolutely. Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers? Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes. Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.” The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him-he’s afraid to cough!”

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions? A Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn’t do that. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $15 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

This hillbilly kid goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist says, “How old are you, son?” The kid replies, “Eleven.” “I can’t sell you any condoms,” the druggist says. “You’re too young.” The kid says, “Gimme some rubbers or I’ll call a cop.” “All right, cool it,” the druggists says to the kid. “What kind of condoms do you want?” The kid tells him, “Gimme the French ticklers.” The druggist says, “Listen, kid. Do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?” “No,” the kid replies, “but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!”

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank. You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze. Matt replies, And we weren’t?

Before the days when dogs were used to sniff out drugs at airports,many different animals were tried, including chickens, due to theirsuperior sense of smell. Things went awry, however, when the Sergeant incharge of the Poultry Unit was arrested for drug trafficking. At hisarraignment, the Press was scandalized when he pled guilty, but heremained indignant. “What did you expect? I ran a fowl of the law!”

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization “Kick Drugs Out of America”. If the organization’s name were “Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America”, there wouldn’t be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Period.

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.” The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer..” The druggist says: “Stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.” Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!” While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.” They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.” He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay…How old am I?” He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.” Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man says, “Promise you won’t get mad?” “I promise I won’t.” she says. “I was behind you in McDonald’s!”

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.” The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?” The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year . . .” “Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.” Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”

Texas – A man went into a drug store and announced his intentions to commit robbery. He pulled a Hefty-bag over his face to conceal his identity. He did not, however, cut eye-holes in the mask and was tackled by a brave customer.

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Once upon a time there was an evil mathematician who started differentiating things. He pointed at his couch and yelled “I differentiate you!”, and it differentiated. He pointed at the mailman and yelled “I differentiate you!”, and it disappeared. He pointed at the shop across the street and said “I differentiate you!”, and it exploded. He was finally subdued after a long struggle and taken to court. To keep him from causing more chaos, he was drugged and unable to speak. The judge found him guilty, and was about to sentance him when the drugs wore off and he started differentiating things again. He differentiated the bailiff, the judge, and the jury, when someone came up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder. The evil mathematician pointed at the man and yelled “I differentiate you!”, and nothing happened. He tried to differentiate him a second and third time to no avail. Finally, he looked at the man and said, “What’s going on? Why won’t you differentiate?” The man looked back and said, “You can’t differentiate me — I’m e^x.”

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track…” and “… Viagra could be used to raise the dogs’ blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race.” If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn’t the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it’d be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn’t it? “.. and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose… wait, that’s not his nose…”

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.” “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” I asked him. “The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

What the Job Ad says & What it means: Advancement opportunity: Sh*t job Entry level Really sh*t job No experience necessary The mother of all sh*t jobs Administrative assistant Sh*t job with a title Ground floor opportunity Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year Progressive company Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday Team player Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities Upbeat personality Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year Word processing skills essential There’s a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future. Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important $20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe Pleasant telephone manner Be voice of 1-900-SUCK Earn up to $300/hr: BE 1-900-SUCK Salary range $24K to $32K This salary is $24K Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions B.A. required, master’s preferred Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.’s salary Civil service This job was filled from the inside six months ago Women & minorities encouraged to apply White males need not waste the stamp Outstanding benefits package Health insurance Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job. Top-notch communication skills Telemarketing Beautiful offices in attractive locations Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting Secretary Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker Executive secretary The most powerful position in any company Dedicated You’re looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement Salary commensurate We will pay whatever the hell we feel like Salary negotiable We will take the lowest bidder Competitive salary We’ll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more Competitive starting salary Ten cents above minimum wage Pleasant atmosphere A staff of pod people Professional atmosphere Zombie pod people Fun, creative atmosphere Pod people from hell Dynamic atmosphere Zombie pod people from hell Gal Friday Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it Self-starter Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means

You’re Not Old Unless You Can Remember… Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk or sodas. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone’s mom was home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebread dog. When you reach into a muddy water gutter for a penny. When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed… and did! When you mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking… for free, every time and you didn’t pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

The AMA and NZMA has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy) “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!” “Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your assh*le before prison….”

Redneck Olympics Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor. The big event is the 100m Sister chase. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. Urine drug test transformed into “Distance Pissin’ Competition.” Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

Chuck Norris just says “no” to drugs. If he said “yes”, it would collapse Colombia’s infrastructure.

A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly beside him holding his hand while she waited for him to wake up. A few minutes later she looked over and his eyes were fluttering. He opened them, looked directly at her and said “Hi Beautiful” and went back to sleep. Well, a little startled and blushing, the wife wondered what he was thinking as he hadn’t said anything that sweet to her in ages. A few minutes later, his eyes opened again, and he looked over and said, “Hi ya Cutie”. then proceeded to fall back to sleep. Feeling a bit hurt with the downgrade from beautiful to cutie, the wife patiently waited. When he woke up again, she said, “Honey, why did you downgrade me from Beautiful to Cutie just a few minutes ago.” And without missing a beat, the husband looked at her and said, “The drugs are wearing off.”

From: Chief of Operations Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following. a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). b.. Stroke patients are NOT “Charlie Carrots.” Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or “hamburger helper.” Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like “negative vehicle to vehicle interface” or “terminal deceleration syndrome.” d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not “glow worms.” e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered “pharmaceutically gifted.” f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not “trans-occipital implants.” g.. The homeless are not “urban outdoorsmen,” nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a “PVC Challenge.” h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being “paws up,” ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Before the days when dogs were used to sniff out drugs at airports, many different animals were tried, including chickens, due to their superior sense of smell. Things went awry, however, when the Sergeant in charge of the Poultry Unit was arrested for drug trafficking. At his arraignment, the Press was scandalized when he pled guilty, but he remained indignant. “What did you expect? I ran a fowl of the law!”