Drummer Jokes

Q: What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch? A: A guitarist who’d told too many drummer jokes.

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror. “There may be,” he replied. “Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything.” Both were excused.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So they can park in the handicapped spot.

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. “My son, you shouldn’t be doing that”, said the priest. “You should be saving that for when you get married.” The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said “Yes, Father.” About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in. “Yes, my son?” said the priest. “Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I’ll never forget the advice you gave then.” “And what was that, my son?” “Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married”, said the young man. “That sounds like something I probably would have said” said the priest. “Did you take my advice?” “Yes I did, Father; but there’s only one problem.” “What’s that, my son?” “Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I supposed to do with it?”

The Drummer for Def Leppard’s only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? Drool.

a snare drum and crash cymbol fall out of a tree.. baduumm, tssshhh

How do you tell if the stage is level? The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

How can you tell when a drummer’s at the door? He doesn’t know when to come in

These are the only ten times in history the “F” word has been acceptable for use… 10. “What the @#$% was that?” -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” -Custer, 1877 8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” -Einstein, 1938 7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” -Picasso, 1926 6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” -Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” -Michelangelo,1566 4. “Where the @#$% are we?” -Amelia Earhart, 1937 3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers…. my ass!” -Noah, 4314 BC 2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” -Bill Clinton, 1999 And . . . drum roll . . . . . 1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @%#*^ing mad.” -Osama bin Laden, November, 2001

two elephants and a drum kit fall of a cliff… badum-dum-tish

One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band. First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: “Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they’re all here to see me. Good crowd!” Then the drummer: “Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we’re going to make good money tonight!” Then the Keyboard player: “Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers.” Finally, the Bass player: “E E E E E E E E A A A A A A A A E E E E E E E E…”

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

Jungle Danger An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. “What are those drums?” asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said “No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop.” They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. “Do as I do! Very important!””intoned the guide with great urgency. “Why? What does this mean?” asked the panicked anthropologist. “Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!”

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com.’ And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?” And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).” Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.” “YAHOO,” said Abraham. And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…? This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. A woman’s favorite position is CEO. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

A drummer walks into a shop and asks to see the drum kits. The assistant says, “You’re a drummer aren’t you.” “Yes,” says the drummer. “How could you tell?”“This is a chemists!” says the assistant.

Today is National Drummers day…12/1/23

My friends started a new bar band… Drums, guitars, keyboard and bass guitar. They call themselves 999 Megabytes cuz they don’t have a Gig yet.

When I was a kid, my parents gave me a drum set for Christmas. They let me bang them as long as it wasn’t after midnight. They always slept better after being banged.

I repaired my drum set after my son broke it… … … Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn’t fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t catch it.

I couldn’t sleep last night so I decided to play on my drums. I also learnt that my neighbour has Tourette’s.

Pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.

Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AMMy neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!?Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

A goat, a drums and a snake fell from a cliff.Ba dum tssssssss.