Dust Jokes

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Se or, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona”‘ The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?” The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.” The minister fainted.

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.” He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later… no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede! He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it… and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!” The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

there was a man throwing sawdust out of a window and another man asked him ‘why do you throw sawdust out of that window’ the man replied ‘to keep the elephants away’ and the other man said ‘but theres no elephants here’ the man replied ‘good stuff eh’

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don’t date it! I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your standards. Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even worse. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. My next house will have no kitchen … just vending machines. I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend – “My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.” The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend. He yells – “Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!”

WASHINGTON, DC (AP) – Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition. “Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter. “This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing”, said Kerry. President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home improvement “warehouse” stores (65%) President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs. Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million “middle man” positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires. Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as “Do you have any goals for the future?” or “Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?” and “Are you awake?” “As a Nonabled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, “It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. Mick, the bartender says, ” You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy. Paddy replies, “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.” Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. “Shoite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, “Shoite, Shoite!” He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. “Bi’Jesus… I’m fockin’ focked,” he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”. Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?” Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn’t very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket’s left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he’s driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck’s black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, “You’re writing me a ticket!? What for?” The officer replies, “Posession of an illegal fire arm.”

The first time Chuck Norris ever played Counter Strike, he no-scope headshoted a terrorist through the walls from across the map on CS_Dust 2…… with a knife.

Basic Rules for Dogs Who Have a Yard To Protect NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark— a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark… LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never — quite — catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. Eat a shoe.

A young Southern couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “So how was the honeymoon, darlin?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic… Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMA!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!” “Darlin, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your Mama these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama… he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook…” “I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother.

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. “The middle is meat,” she exclaimed, “but the ends are sawdust!” “Well,” said the butcher. “These days it’s hard to make ends meat.”

Things I’ve Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late. 08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J; sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know…

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when “POOF” out popped Genie. “I will grant you three wishes” proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought for a moment and said “I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around.” The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline’s place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, “Now, aren’t you sorry that you had me neutered?”

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, “The Gold Dust Twins are coming” and I had to smile. ” “Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to grin.” “Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly control myself.” “BUT….when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident.” I couldn’t help not laughing out loud.” “Case Dismissed” said the Judge.

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.” The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: “Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination — Timbuktu.” The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: “Tim and me, a-huntin’ went. Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu”

Did you hear about the industrious tree? He wanted to branch out, but his efforts yielded no fruit. But the non-industrious tree stuck to its roots.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. “Well,” said her mother, “so – how was the honeymoon?” “Oh, mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language – things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home … PLEASE MAMA!” “Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed – they’re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!” “Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, mama…words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook….”

Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready To Join The Air Force 10. You’re afraid of loud noises, heights, and airplanes (First Lieutenant Maggie Rudolphi) 9. For you, the thrill of flight is the little package of salted nuts (Senior Airman Lesley Toussaint) 8. In high school, you were voted “queasiest” (Tech Sergeant Andrea Knutson) 7. You don’t mind flying once you’ve had a few drinks (Master Sergeant Chuck Kramer) 6. You pass out from G-Forces incurred from riding an escalator (Tech Sergeant Josh Haney) 5. Whenever you see an “eject” lever you impulsively pull it (First Lieutenant Agnes Leam) 4. Show up to the recruiting center carrying a seatbelt extender (Chief Master Sergeant Juan Claudio) 3. Your primary reason for enlisting is “to meet Iron Man” (Lieutenant Colonel Bonnie Bossler) 2. You giggle every time you say, “cockpit” (Master Sergeant Dusty Lee) 1. Out motto, “aim high” — your motto, “I’m high” (Colonel Marcus Johnson) David Letterman

There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.” The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.” The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”

A Lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the forth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, ‘The Gold Dust Twins are coming,’ and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Sloan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did The Trick,’ and I could hardly control myself. BUT when she moved the forth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident,’ I laughed out loud.” The case was dismissed.

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it’s tail and kissed it where the sun don’t shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing. “Whudd’ya do that fer?” he asked. “Got chapped lips,” the cowboy replied. The old man asked, “Does that help?” The cowboy said, “Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em.”

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of stamps featuring american racehorses. This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it loses it gets put on the back!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

Introducing the new, improved MID-LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic. 1. BIFOCALS BARBIE: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too), neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. 2. HOT FLASH BARBIE: Press Barbie’s belly button and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues. 3. FACIAL HAIR BARBIE: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror. 4. FLABBY ARMS BARBIE: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front too- muumuus with tummy support panels are included. 5. BUNION BARBIE: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. 6. NO-MORE-WRINKLES BARBIE: Erase those pesky crow’s feet and lip lines with a tube os Skin Sparkle Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics. 7. SOCCER MOM BARBIE: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. Comes with a SUV in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch. 8. DIVORCED BARBIE: Sells for $399.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car and Ken’s boat. 9. POST-MENOPAUSAL BARBIE: This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things and cries a lot. She is sick of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

Yo mama so old, When she farted dust came out!

My wife made me sell my Dusty Springfield record collection…Now I just don’t know what to do with my shelf!

They’re gonna have to dust Chris Rock’s face for fresh prints!

Grand National tips:V Neck: Good jumper Dusty Carpet: Never been beaten Ronseal: Good over fences Snotty nose: Runs well Lunchtime: 12-1#GrandNational2022

What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse?A Swiss Army Wife!

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I replied, “Dust!”And that’s when the fight started…

Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook.

For Sale: Thick layer of dust. As seen on TV.

The secrets of the baking industry are given out only on a knead to dough basis.

I think I’m going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It’s just collecting dust.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry.

*Leonardo Dicapreo goes up to accept oscar* *pulls out speech* *blows dust off of it* Yes I’d like to thank the directors of titanic for th-

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

Religion is a bit like porn. You know deep down it’s all lies but you still buy it. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich. It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies. AND the scripts it’s based on leave allot to be desired.

Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.

I’ve decided to sell my vacuum. It’s just collecting dust.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding with a dustbin. LR: “Where are you going Tonto?” T: “to-the-dump-to-the dump-to-the-dump-dump dump…”

It has been pretty grim in the electronics industry the last few months….But we must solder on!

FOR SALE…Thick layer of dust…As seen on TV!