Ear Jokes

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied. “What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?” “No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.” “So then?” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.” “So then?” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

10 games for when you’re old: 1. Sag, You’re it 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over 6. Doc Goose 7. Simon says something incoherent 8. Hide and go pee 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical recliners

It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says. That’s cool. Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Wha…aaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!” Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,”Whaaaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!” About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…” Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the United States. As a citizen, you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.” “Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the Don was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from his private businesses, he ask the lawyer to ask the deaf man if he was willing to help. This way if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police about what he was doing. The deaf man accepted. On his first week, the deaf man picked up over $50,000. He decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place. The mafia Don realized that the collection was late, and he sent a hood after the deaf collector. The hood found the deaf collector and ask him where the money was. The deaf couldn’t communicate with him, so the mafia hood drags the guy to the lawyers office to interpret. The mafia hood says to the lawyer, “Ask him where da money is.” The lawyer signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The lawyer tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the basketball star and says, “NOW ask him where da money is.” The lawyer signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man replies, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .” The lawyer says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again, the small voice whispered, “No” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No he’s busy” said the little voice. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman.” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard the sound of a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?!” asked the boss, now getting alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?!” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me!”

Three old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma’s yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell l exactly how old you are. ” The old man said, “There ain’t no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, “You’re 84 years old!” “How in the world did you guess?” The old Grandmas snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, “Because we were at your birthday party yesterday.”

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?” “Yeah,” says the other cowboy. “Look,” says the first one, “he’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.” Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.” “Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!” The Indian looks up and says, “Ran over me about a half hour ago.”

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “Yup” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the second guest asked, squinting at it. “Watch” the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed “You friggin’ IDIOT!…it’s ten past three in the morning!”

A guy went to visit a friend at the hospital. His friend was all busted up and in several casts. After he determined that his friend would survive and eventually recover, he wanted to know what happened to his friend. Before he could ask, he heard his friend say “Talk dirty to Dr. Laura and she will take you out!” Wow! he thought, an opportunity to go out with Dr. Laura, my friend can wait, if I rush I can catch her at her book signing at the mall. He got her latest book “Ten Thousand Stupid Things They Thought No One Could Possibly Do – And They Were Wrong”, waited in the signing line and met Dr. Laura. “Let me speak softly in your ear Dr. Laura, I have something private to say to you”, he said. Then he spoke so dirty, he even shocked him self. “What did you say” asked Dr. Laura, thinking she could not have heard what she thought she heard. He repeated it for her. After a while the paramedics wheeled him into the hospital room next to his friend. He yelled to his friend, “Its your fault I’m in here, you said if I talked dirty to Dr. Laura, she would give me a date”. “Oh no” said his friend “she has a double super black belt in karate. I was warning you about what happened to me. I tried to talk dirty to her and she used that karate and took me out good fashion.”

Your mum’s so fat she uses Yosemite National Park as a back-scratcher, the Eiffel Tower as an ear pick and water slides as straws.

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.” Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child. “Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there?” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me!”

Two rednecks met in a bar and decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life so thought they should go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest college. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. ‘What’s Logic?’ asked the first redneck. The professor replied, ‘Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?’ ‘I sure do,’ grinned the redneck. ‘Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,’ replied the professor. ‘That’s real good,’ the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: ‘Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.’ Impressed, the redneck shouts ‘AMAZIN’!’ ‘And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.’ ‘Betty Mae… this is incredible!’ (The redneck is catching on.) Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,’ says the professor. ‘You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.’ The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend is waiting. ‘So what classes are ya takin’?’ The friend asked. ‘Math, History, and Logic,’ replies the first redneck. ‘What in tarnation is Logic?’ asked his new friend. ‘Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?’ ‘No,’ his friend replied. You’re queer, ain’t ya?

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground. Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, “What is it?” “Buffalo come,” Tonto replied. “How can you tell?” “Ear sticky.”

A Skier’s Dictionary Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?” Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?” Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece ofcelery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn’t eating right.

Blonde as a Mother My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

A man who lost his ears in a freak accident has had a groundbreaking operation of having two pigs ear grafted on in place.A hospital spokesperson said, “The operation was a success and the man can hear, though he’s experiencing a lot of crackling!”

A woman walked into the bank with a £5 note sticking out of her left ear and a £10 note sticking out of her right ear.The clerk was a bit confused but the bank manager said, “It’s OK, that’s Mrs Taylor. She’s £15 in her ears!”

I went to one of those Turkish baths on holiday…They shaved with razor-sharp blade below the neck line, snipped ear & nose hairs, waxed chest hairs & plucked all the arse crack hairs, finishing with a moustache trim & alcohol rub…Honestly, the wife’s never looked so good!

“Your nan sucks cock!”Classic insult, not so funny when she’s whispering it in your ear though!

I told my wife not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn’t listen. It went in one ear and out the other.

Does anyone know a cure for excessive ear wax. If you do, please give me a shout.

Did you know if you put your ear up to a strangers leg, you can actually hear them say; “What the fcuk are you doing?”

I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don’t value your life at all.

A man goes to the doctor with celery in his ear and a carrot up his nose. The Doc says “I can tell you right now you’re not eating right!”

Scientists have successfully managed to graft a pigs ear onto a human head…Apparently the recipient can hear okay except for a bit of crackling!

I went to see the doctor about my blocked ear.Which ear is it? he asked.2022, I replied.

Fun fact: Spock actually had three ears.A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.