Earthquake Jokes

You know you are addicted to coffee if … You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people’s fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don’t sweat, you percolate. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked. You answer the door before people knock. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Q: What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake? A: It’s not my fault.

Q: What do you call an earthquake fault? A: A topographical error.

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Three women are about to be executed. One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, “Ready! …Aim!! …” Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, “Ready! … Aim!! …” Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!” Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, “Ready! … Aim!! …” and the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (wait till you see the last one!) DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, and the other a blonde.The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests.She said no, and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled, “EARTHQUAKE!”. Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled “TORNADO!”Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.By now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: “… Ready … Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, “FIRE!”

You can’t blame me for making jokes about the earthquake. It’s not my fault.

What did one earthquake say to the other? …. …. Was that your fault or mine?

What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?Panquakes.

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?A milkshake.