Egg Jokes

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!! Monica Lewinsky virus……..Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Lorena Bobbit virus……….Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Ellen Degeneres virus……..Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC. Titanic virus…………….Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus……………..Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus………….Quits after one byte. Prozac virus…….Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care. Woody Allen virus………By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card. Joey Buttafuoco virus……..Only attacks minor files. Spice Girl virus………….Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus……….Saves your data, but forgets Dr. Kevorkian virus…..Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey virus……..Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus……..Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C. AT&T; VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T; virus. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS- You’re in Chicago but your data is in Singapore. STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before. TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor. PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?” The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.” The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand — the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. “I need an answer,” said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.” “Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.” Two seconds later, Regis said, “I regret to inform you that the answer is-…… absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!” Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way……how did you happen to know the right answer?” “Oh, come on!” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. 2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18 . Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26..Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29.. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

In the old Wild West, a Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in a new Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cowboy, “What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?” “Ya mean women?” asked the cowboy. “We ain’t got none. ‘Round here folks shag sheep.” “That’s disgusting,” cried the correspondent, “I’ve never heard of such moral degredation.” However, after a few months, the correspondent’s balls were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. “You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled. “You’ve been shagging sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I’m some sort of crazy pervert!” One cowboy spoke up, “Yeah, but that’s the sheriff’s gal!”

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?” His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!” For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!” Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted … “COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. I don’t buy toilet paper there any more.

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, “You’ve got to make love to me — this very moment.” He thinks, “This is my lucky day”, and gives it his all on the kitchen table. He says afterwards, “What was that all about?” She says, “The egg timer’s broken.”

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. “Man,” the Chinese man says. “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the Italian says. “If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” “Man,” the redneck says. “If I get another ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich in my lunch, I’ll kill myself.” The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody’s crying. “This is all my fault!” says the Chinese man’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed an egg roll that day.” “This is all my fault!” says the Italian’s wife. “If only I hadn’t packed a slice of pizza that day.” “Don’t look at me,” says the redneck’s wife. “He packed his own lunch.”

Two chickens were chatting around the coop. “That big rooster next door made a pass at me!” one exclaimed. “Really? Did you provoke him?” “Well, I egged him on a little.”

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, “I am going to get a dish of ice cream now.” Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. “I’ll write it down so you don’t forget,” she said. “I won’t forget,” the old gent said. “But, I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it. So, I’ll write it down,” she replied. “I will get you the ice cream. Don’t you worry,” replied the gentleman. A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and eggs. His wife said, “See, I should have written it down because you forgot the toast.”

Q: How do dogs order eggs at restaurants? A: Pooched.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.” The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.” “Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?” She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

At first, I didn’t think this qualified as a joke, then I checked my bank balance! For the record, I am in no way responsible for the accuracy of these figures, I just paste ’em as I finds ’em!! Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he s 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there. If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600. This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn’t it? However… If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.” When Adam saw it, he jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to have that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be have. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.” “What’s it called? Eve asked. “Brains” God said.

If Recipes were like tax forms…. * Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.) * Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste. * Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater. * Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551. * Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional. Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups. Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour. * Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions. * Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt. * Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q. Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions. * Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.) * Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m “For the Birds.” * Line 11. Add vanilla. * Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder. * Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a). * Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9×13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9×13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, “Fresh Fruit Desserts.”

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!” The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.” The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. He looks at it and growls, “What’s this? I didn’t order this!” The young man tells him, “The cook says that while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!”

A director decides that he’s going to make a movie based on the livesof famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asksSylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallonethinks for a moment and says, “I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart.”The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he’dlike to play. Arnold replies, “I’ll be Bach!”

It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s mother answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” she says. That’s cool. Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Wha…aaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she’d screw all night if we let her!” Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening kids,” with a small wink for Harold. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: “Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It’s called The Twist!”

It’s the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool,” says Bobby. Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.” Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says,”Whaaaat?” “Yeah,” says Peggy Sue’s father, “Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!” Bobby’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, “Have a good evening, kids!” About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: “Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It’s called the twist!!”

When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” — equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!” Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. “Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below… OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m lookin’ for the guy that shot my paw.”

How do dogs order eggs at restaurants? Pooched.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband . Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. What on earth did you do that for? shouts Frank. You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze. Matt replies, And we weren’t?

What do you call a frog with seven legs? A seven-legged frog.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.