Engineer Jokes

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional. The Doctor said “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. “No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. “Wait,” Said the engineer “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?” “And WHO created the chaos?” said the lawyer.

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. “Hey bartender” said the Engineer, “I’ll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.” The bartender responded, “I’m sorry sir but that guy’s a commie and we don’t serve his kind around here.” “Well, you’d better because if it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don’t believe me, look at the top of his head and you’ll see that it’s flat from holding the roof up.” The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: “I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn’t help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?” The engineer responded: “Oh…that’s where we put the jack.”

A sculptor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about the primacy of their professions. “God created man out of clay,” said the sculptor, “and so was clearly a sculptor.” “Before that,” said the engineer, “He separated earth and waters from the chaos — an immense feat of civil engineering. God was an engineer first.” “And how do you think,” answered the computer scientist, “the chaos was made?”

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars. 7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return. 8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops. 9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes. 10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection. 11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations. 12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost. 13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere. 14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life. 15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.) 16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date. 17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft. 18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs. 19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s. 20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire. 21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target. 22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons. 23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW. 24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed onevery level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the buildingneeded to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level:level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40.One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office.He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared histhroat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building hadever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off.The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level — level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 — could not stop laughing.He walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling all proud of himself,when who should he run into but his boss. “John, come with me now!”John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss lookedat him with fury in his eyes. “John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptiveto the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1,level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40! You’re fired! Clean out your desk and get out!”But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit, that jokewas funny on so many levels.”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. By mistake, St.Peter directs him to go below. So, the engineer reports to the gates of Hell, and checks in. After a few days, the engineer becomes very dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and decides to do something about it. He designs and builds many improvements, and pretty soon they have air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan, on the telephone, and says, “So how’s it going down there in Hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this new engineer you sent me is going to come up with next!” God replies, “WHAT? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should have never have gotten down there. Send him up to me at once.” “No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!” God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue!” Satan laughs uproariously, and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

On a train there were a bunch of Liberal Arts Majors and a bunch of computer engineers who were headed to a big computer convention. Each of the Liberal Arts Majors had a train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The Liberal Arts Majors started laughing and making fun of them, figuring the engineers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the engineers, the designated lookout, said “here comes the conductor”, all of the engineers ran into the bathroom and locked the door. The Liberal Arts Majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said “tickets please”, and got tickets from all of the Liberal Arts Majors. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said “ticket please”. The engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor picked it up and moved on. A few minutes later the engineers came out of the bathroom. The Liberal Arts Majors felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of Liberal Arts Majors decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the engineers in the same car. Again, the Liberal Arts Majors started snickering at the engineers. This time NONE of the engineers had tickets. When the lookout said “Conductor coming!”, all the engineers went to one bathroom and all the Liberal Arts Majors went to the other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left their bathroom, knocked on the Liberal Arts Majors bathroom, and said “Ticket please!”

The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn’t break, it’s likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer’s chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.” CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet……. Ate the cookies…….. Drank the milk……. sh*t on the paper……. Screwed the other three cats……. Claimed he injured his back while doing so……. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……. Put in for Workers Compensation……………and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………… AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Why did the engineer drive the backwards? He had a loco motive.

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designingand building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,”So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer isgoing to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake –he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, andI’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just whereare you going to get a lawyer?”

Dilbert’s “Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Dilbert’s Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work/Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Bummer.

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks…Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other “Rufus!!” Clarence would shout. “You better thank yor lucky stars I cain’t swim…er I’d swim this river and whup your butt!!” “Clarence!!!” Rufus would holler back. “You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain’t swim…er I’d swim this river and knock your head off!!!” This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally… Mrs. Rufus had had enough. “Rufus!” she squallers one day. “I cain’t take no more!! Ever day for 25 years you’ve been threatenin’ to whup Clarence. Well, there’s the bridge…have at it.” Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. “Woman!” he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, “I’m gonna cross that thar bridge and I’m gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!” He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up… TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!! “Rufus!” cried to the misses. “I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence’s butt!!!” “I was, woman, I was!!” he whispered. “Rufus!” cried the misses. “What in tarnation is the matter?” “Well,” muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, ” I went to the bridge… I stepped up on the bridge…walked halfway over the bridge… looked up…” “And?” asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. “And,” continued Rufus, “I saw a sign that said “Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches” he ain’t never looked that big from the other side of the river!!!

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” they asked. Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

After the Americans went to the Moon, Leonid Brezhnev announced that the Soviets would be sending a man to the Sun. The engineers objected. “If you send a man to the Sun, he will burn up!” “What do you think I am, stupid?” he replied. “We’ll send him at night!”

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? He wanted to work overtime.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment andthen exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a ’64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. — — How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it’s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? O.K. — all you smarties answer up!

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.” The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break: 1st surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” 2nd surgeon says, “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” 3rd surgeon says, “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.” 4th surgeon says, “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.” 5th surgeon says, “I like engineers … they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. “Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.” “Yes — so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle; how does it know?”

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: – One chalk mark $1 – Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!” The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.”

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”… ACCOUNTING: You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Manager.” CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.” Bubba asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!” The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.” Bubba then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” The manager replied: “Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; “I don’t know.” You put down, “Neither do I.”

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” they asked. Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

There once was an entrepreneur who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the candidate that could answer the question “how much is 2+2?” The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02”. The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.” The physicist declared, “It’s in the magnitude of 1×101.” The logician paused for a long while and then said, “This problem is solvable.” The social worker said, “I don’t know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question. The attorney stated, “In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.” The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?” The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?”

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: “How much for Engineer brain?” “3 dollars an ounce.” “How much for other generic profession brain?” “4 dollars an ounce.” “How much for lawyer brain?” “100 dollars an ounce.” “Why is lawyer brain so much more?” “Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.” As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.” So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

To the Engineer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Q: Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk? A: He wanted to work overtime.

On a late working night, three engineers are sitting around in the office discussing the nature of the universe. “You know,” says the first one, “God is a mechanical engineer at heart. Just look at the human skeleton. It’s one of the most marvelous physical structures ever devised.” “Sure, the skeleton is pretty impressive, but it’s nothing compared to the brain”, says the second one. “It is, without a doubt, the most extraordinary information processing device the universe has ever seen. No, God is a computer scientist. No doubt about it.” “You’re both wrong”, the third one says. “God is a civil engineer.” “What?” The other two ask, baffled. “Sure”, the third engineer says. “Who else would run a sewage line through a recreational area?”

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken..

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss’s office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level — level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 — could not stop laughing. He walked out the door of his boss’s office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. “John, come with me now!” John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. “John,” he said, “your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You’re fired! Clean out your desk and get out!” But then his frown softened and he added, “Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels.”

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey — Nice bike! Where did you get it?” “Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have ANYTHING you want!!’ ” “Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Today’s date is perfect for a sound engineer…22.12.21

Engineers have made a car that can run on parsley…Now they’re hoping to make buses that run on thyme!

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.The Mechanical engineer says, “It’s a broken starter.”The Electrical engineer says, “Dead battery.”The Chemical engineer says, “Impurities in the diesel!”The IT engineer says, “Let’s get out of the car and get back in!”

New Scientist magazine reports that a team of British engineers in Bristol have developed a car that runs on human shit …I bet that “new car smell” doesn’t last very f*cking long.

I’d like to go back in time, to when I said “When I grow up, I wanna go to college, be an engineer or an Astronaut or a successful lawyer” and change it to: “When I grow up, I wanna barely graduate high school, start drinking and womanizing, get a factory job, get married, have two kids, get divorced and become addicted to something called Facebook.” Just imagine the sense of accomplishment I would have right now.

Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.

I had a Slovakian friend who was a sound engineer…and a Czech one too, a Czech one too.

If the scientists throw a party, the chemists bring the booze, the engineer sets up a beer pong table, and the botanist brings the weed. What does the astronomer do?Planet.

How does a train hear another train coming?With its engineers.