Engineering Jokes

A sculptor, a civil engineer and a computer scientist were arguing about the primacy of their professions. “God created man out of clay,” said the sculptor, “and so was clearly a sculptor.” “Before that,” said the engineer, “He separated earth and waters from the chaos — an immense feat of civil engineering. God was an engineer first.” “And how do you think,” answered the computer scientist, “the chaos was made?”

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people in the South are. We challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ’65 Ford Fairlane, a ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a ’64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. — — How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it’s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2×8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? O.K. — all you smarties answer up!

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”… ACCOUNTING: You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Manager.” CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the Yankee the job.” Bubba asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!” The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed.” Bubba then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” The manager replied: “Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; “I don’t know.” You put down, “Neither do I.”

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey — Nice bike! Where did you get it?” “Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have ANYTHING you want!!’ ” “Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.