Examination Jokes

A Cajun named Thibideaux went to his doctor to determine the source of his malady. The doctor, After a lengthy examination, sighed and looked. Thibideaux in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it’s very bad. You’d best put your affairs in order.” Thibideaux was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room to his son who had been waiting. Thibideaux said, “Well son, us Cajun’s celebrate when thangs is good, and we celebrate when dey don’t be so good.. In dis case, dey ain’t so good. I got cancer. Let’s head for the honky tonk and have a few dranks.” After 3 or 4 shots, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more wiskey. They were eventually approached by some of Thibideaux’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Thibideaux told them that coon-asses celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “Da doctor dun told me I’m dying’ from AIDS.” His son’s eyebrows raised and he opened his mouth, but Thibideaux raised his finger and the frown on his face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave Thibideaux their condolences, and they had a couple more shots. After his friends left, his son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Daddy, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!” Thibideaux said, “I don’t want any of ’em sleeping with yo mama after I’m gone.”

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead. The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, “Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?” The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, “Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in.”

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.” “Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”

A woman sat in the waiting room when her octogenarian husband was in the examination room for his annual physical. After awhile, the doctor came out and said: “Mrs. Garcia, nurse is helping your husband with his clothes and would be out in a minute. As far as I can tell, he is in excellent health for his age. However, I am curious about something.” The woman said: “Yes Doctor, what is it?” The doctor said: “During the examination, Mr. Garcia said he was pleased that the bathroom lights came on automatically when he went to urinate in the middle of the night. Can you tell me what that’s all about?” The woman took a deep breath and said: “Oh no! he’s peeing into the fridge again!”

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, “His unit is too small. An old wives’ tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight.” The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast. “Mom!” Tommy yells. “The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast.” “I know.” said his mother. “The other ten are for your father.”

At Cambridge University during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): “Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.” Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Passing An Exam Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.”Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!”

A woman went to the doctor’s office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

1. The patient refused autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared. 8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. 11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present. 25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities 28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room 29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. 32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts… 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused an autopsy. 9. The patient has no past history of suicides. 10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead. 27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.” Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.” St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God’s first name?” Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.” Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St. P eter. “How many seconds in a year?” “Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.” Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?” Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . . ….” “Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind….. but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”? “Sure”, Forrest replied, “its Howard.” “Howard?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Howard as the first name of God?” “Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, ” Forrest replied. “Don’t you know the Our Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name. . .” St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.” “Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. “Breast-fed” she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.” “I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.” “I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”

Sep 10, 2012 at 9:43 PM Juan the Smuggler Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man’s shoulders and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn’t show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico. “Hey, buddy,” the guard says, “I know you’re smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” “Bicycles,” Juan says.

Growing Old Gracefully? An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” “In fact, I do”, said the man. “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” “This is very interesting”, replied the doctor. “Let me do some research and get back to you.” After examining the lady, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?” “Oh that old coot!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!”

I got a massive erection today during a routine prostate examination. I tried to hide it but it was pretty obvious, so I tried to laugh it of instead…Anyway, to cut a long story short, I’m no longer working as a GP!

I remember going to see Dr Hook back in the 1970s…Worst prostate examination ever!

I went to my doctor and during my examination I confided in him that I seem to have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times… … … Without hesitation, my doctor said, “You have a gag reflex.”