Expert Jokes

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’” The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?” The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender,often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought,”It’s too big!…..it will never fit!” Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more.She would want to do it again and again and again. Because she loves shopping for shoes….

Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert? A: A pork chop.

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. “I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?” She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.” “Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.” “Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, where did you get the tools?” “Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?” “No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.” . . . “Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.” Wipe that smile off your face.

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received the following reply: National Defence Headquarters MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be watching. Good luck and God bless you. Cordially, Gordon O’Connor

What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate expert? A pork chop.

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The Reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the Reverend decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the Reverend immediately asked Peter, “Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?” Proudly handing the Reverend an envelope, Peter replied, “Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here’s the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church.” “Fine job, Peter!” The Reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. “You are indeed a fine salesman, the Church is indebted to you.” Turning to Paul, he asked “And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?” Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, “Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s 280 dollars I collected.” The Reverend responded, “Splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you.” Apprehensively, the Reverend turned to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?” Louie silently offered the Reverend a large envelope. The Pastor opened it and counted the contents. “What is this?” the Reverend exclaimed. “Louie, this 3200 dollars! Are you saying that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We’re professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.” “Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the Reverend agreed. “I think you’d better tell how you managed this, Louie.” Louie shrugged. “I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!” “A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?

A Skier’s Dictionary Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An appropriate reply: “What Zermatter?” Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bones: There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: TWO bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Cross-Country Skiing: Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-travelling technique. It’s good exercise. It doesn’t require the purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn’t skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other. Cross-Country Something-or-Other: Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift. Exercises: A few simple warm-ups to make sure you’re prepared for the slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet. Gloves: Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close-fitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape. Gravity: One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia. Inertia: Tendency of a skier’s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton’s First Law of Motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don’t expect to encounter it again in our universe. * When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear. Prejump: Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream and a few pregroans. Shin: The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins. Ski! : A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is “Avalanche!” – which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill. Skier: One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them. Stance: Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and you should be mumbling, “Why?” Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and paineth. Traverse: To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. Tree: The other method.

Cat’s guide to caring for your human Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time. CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive. COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops. FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair. MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior. TOILET TRAINING: A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine. Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Efficiency Expert An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.” “Why not?” asked somebody from the audience. “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’” “Did it save time?” the person in the audience asked. “Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

Yoko Ono is going into the jungle to advise the contestants on bush tucker survival techniques…She’s an expert as she’s managed to live off one Beatle for over 40 years!#ImACelebrity

The first UK craft launch into space has failed. Experts are tying to find out why… Come on guys this is rocket science!

My expertly timed eclipse joke will put all the others in the shade.

Did you know Danny Welbeck’s dad was a bomb disposal expert. His name was Stan Welbeck.

I’m no cactus expert. But, I know a prick when I see one.

“Relationship experts say romance novels are bad because they give women unreasonable expectations. It’s what porno films do for men.”

Experts say caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad you, sugar is bad for you… But don’t worry, worrying is also bad for you too.

I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be tit shaped.

A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion user names and password combinations, which I’m pretty sure is all of them. The crime ring stole the information from hundreds of thousands of websites. Experts recommend that you change all your passwords just to be safe. I have to say I would almost rather have all my information stolen than to have to change all my passwords.

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said “This could be worth $5,000,000.00!” After catching my breath I gasped “Really?” he tossed it back to me and said “Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!’

People who refuse to believe I’m an expert at yoga can kiss my arse…And so can I

Yoko Ono is going into the jungle to advise the contestants on bush tucker survival techniques…She’s an expert as she’s managed to live off one Beatle for nearly 40 years!