Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: A bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.’ Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant. Q: What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out. Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: ‘Gee, I remember these.’
- New Old Sayings Anywhere you hang your @ is home. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C: is the root of all directories. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. The modem is the message. Too many clicks spoil the browse. The geek shall inherit the earth. A chat has nine lives. Don’t byte off more than you can view. Fax is stranger than fiction. What boots up must come down. Windows will never cease. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal). Virtual reality is its own reward. Modulation in all things. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. There’s no place like ( http://www.)home(.com) Know what to expect before you connect. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. Speed thrills. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
- What the teacher says and (what the teacher means) 1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed informationfrom his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He’s a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner’s Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
- All status updates posted on my wall are purely fictional any resemblance to actual people, places or events is purely coincidental.
- Wow who saw that coming? Harry Potter and News of the World two of the Biggest selling modern fiction publications ending in the same week.
- What do you call a lying dictionary?A fictionary.