Fight Jokes

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history’s most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don’t bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘No, that’s okay. I don’t want It,’ said Leroy. The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? No thanks, I don’t want it,’ answered Leroy. The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’ Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?’ Leroy said, ‘I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!’

Q: Why did the wrestlers have to fight in the dark? A: Their match wouldn’t light.

One noted chef was a perfectionist. He made the most delectablemeals because he expected nothing less. Thus it came as a surpriseto one of his students that the chef used low grade spices. “Why doyou use the worst spices when you expect the best?” the studentasked him one day. “Wouldn’t your foods taste so much better if youused premium-grade spices?””I once thought as you do,” the chef answered. “When I was learning,I bought all the best spices — they were fresh and perfectly ground,no flaws whatsoever. But taken with their own perfection, they wereunruly spices, constantly fighting each other to be the dominant tasteinstead of working together. So I tried lower grade spices — theyweren’t so perfect, but they weren’t so intractable either. And so itis well to remember, my dear pupil, that a glitch in thyme behaves fine.”

It’s out! Brand new edition of… “You know you’re A redneck when……” 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the “nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side. 24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements. 28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk. The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, “I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks”. To which the second gal replied, “You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don’t even have insurance!” And the third proclaimed, “I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!” They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: “Ladies, I don’t think you understand. Chunks is my dog.”

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, “I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.” Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, “Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, “Come out and fight like a man!”.

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. …Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Montana – At least our cows are sane!” “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “Forget about World Peace….. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We are bom naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest”

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing. After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, “Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?” “I’ll tell you,” Fred replies. “Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” The other two were absolutely amazed. “What happened then?”, Joe asked. “She said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!”.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Q: What happens when two snails fight? A: They slug it out.

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: – 2 BATTLE SHIPS, – 600 GROUND TROOPS, – 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: – 2 CANOES, – 6 MOUNTIES, – AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

The Law of Volunteering” If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. “The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. “The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist. “The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. “The Law of Self Sacrifice” When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. “Weiler’s Law” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. “Law of Probable Dispersal” Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. “Law of Volunteer Labor” People are always available for work in the past tense. “Conway’s Law” In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. “Iron Law of Distribution” Them that has, gets. “Law of Cybernetic Entomology” There is always one more bug. “Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor. “Heller’s Law” The first myth of management is that it exists. “Osborne’s Law” Variables won’t; constants aren’t. “Main’s Law” For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. “Weinberg’s Second Law” If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Surprisingly, the only Street Fighter II move based on one of Chuck Norris’ was Chun-Li’s. Chuck Norris prefers to travel by performing four upside-down double-roundhouse kicks per second.

Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife. “No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain” he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the husband said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course,” he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns? To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. “One man from Texas is better than ten Iraqis.” The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence. The voice once again calls out “One man from Texas is better than one hundred Iraqi.” Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence. The Rebel voice calls out again “One man from Texas is better than one thousand Iraqi.” The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought…. Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men…it’s a trap. There are two of them.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

Q: Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns? A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy’s wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asks her husband – “Darling, honestly, if you didn’t know me, what age would you say I am?” Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,… “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.” “Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying… “WHOA, hold on there sweety!” Andy interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet!”

SYMPTOM – Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION – Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM – Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SOLUTION – Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM – Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SOLUTION – You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM – Mouth contains cigarette butts. SOLUTION – You have fallen forward. See above. SYMPTOM – Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SOLUTION – Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM – Floor blurred. SOLUTION – You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM – Floor moving. SOLUTION – You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM – Room seems unusually dark. SOLUTION – Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM – Everyone looks up to you and smiles. SOLUTION – You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM – Beer is crystal-clear SOLUTION – It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him. SYMPTOM – Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. SOLUTION – You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them SYMPTOM – Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. SOLUTION – You’ve wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM – Your singing sounds distorted. SOLUTION – The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM – Don’t remember the words to the song. SOLUTION – Beer is just right. Play air guitar.

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed. “The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I,” said the president, “but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty.” At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft. “No,” said Bush. “These units are already in the army, aren’t they?” Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army. “Do I think this is a good idea?” asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. “Of course I do. It’s about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, ‘Decaf or regular?’” John Larsson, the Salvation Army’s general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army’s private jet, while on his way to South Asia. “I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ,” he said. “I’m happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme.” The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie’s Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer. In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was “not up to fighting right now, as we’ve been in a slump recently.” Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be “ready for the majors.”

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, “Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a one-wish genie. So… what’ll it be?” The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.” The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.” The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.” The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the f*cking map again.”

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 “thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a very strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the America Dachshund at full speed. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened his mouth and consumed Osama’s dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing,” said Bush. “We had Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog.”

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here friend. You look like you’ve had a hard life and I’d like to buy you a drink.” The pirate came over and ordered rum. “Just out of curiosity,” the man said, “how did you lose your leg?” “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.” “That’s just terrible. How did you lose your hand?” the man said. “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk.” ” Oh my!” the man said, “I can’t even imagine! How did you lose your eye?” “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!” said the pirate. “A seagull!” the man exclaimed. “Is seagull poop dangerous?!” he asked. “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook…”

Tick – Tock There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, “Tick – Tock” over and over. After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn’t even do. The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying,”Tick…Tick…Tick…” The German officer in charge went up to him and said, “You thinks you iss so schmart! But I’m telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!”

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.” The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.” The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.” They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here friend. You look like you’ve had a hard life and I’d like to buy you a drink.” The pirate came over and ordered rum. “Just out of curiosity,” the man said, “how did you lose your leg?” “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man’s rum.” “That’s just terrible. How did you lose your hand?” the man said. “Arrrgh!” said the pirate, “I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk.” “Oh my!” the man said, “I can’t even imagine! How did you lose your eye?” “Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!” said the pirate. “A seagull!” the man exclaimed. “Is seagull poop dangerous?!” he asked. “Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook…”

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?” The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration. “Thanks,” says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little boy says, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Condition One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.” “Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.” “Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.” “Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.” The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it… he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!” So, I looked down at him and said, ” Well, then which one are you?” And then the fight started…..

The Late Osama After dying a grisly death in a fire fight, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry came up from behind, “You wanted to end the American’s liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punched Osama in the nose. James Madison came next and said, “This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!” He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama’s knees. Osama was subject to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe and 67 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged. As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, “This is not what I was promised!” An angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, ‘Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?’ The third fellow says, ‘I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.’ The first two guys were amazed. ‘What happened then?’ they asked. She said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!”.

A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration. “Thanks,” the girl replied. The fire fighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles. “Little partner,” the fire fighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.” The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away? 22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better. 17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win. 16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight. 15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here 14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You. 13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head). 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You. 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me. 3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles. 2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer. And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is… 1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!” Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!” Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!” Finally the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad,… you’re drunk!”

Fishing Doug was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently after fighting it for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.” Doug replied, “Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.”

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M”, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits? Teaching Math in 1980:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996:By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997:A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000,had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998:A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company? Teaching Math in 1999:A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people was trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. At 00:01, 01/01/2000 his cell door automatically opened and he escaped. Should he be allowed to log again? Maybe this should be renamed “progress” ? ? Teaching Math in 2000:In order to clear over grown forest, the U.S. Forest Service sets the forest on fire. A process they call Prescribed Burn. The fire gets out of control and burns peoples homes and threatens a Nuclear Development Center. The Tax payer has to pay to fight the fire. Would logging this area have been a better solution????

No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. “Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer,” the mobster said calmly.

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger? WIFE : I clean the toilet…. HUSBAND:How does that help ? WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN’S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath. Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. ATTIRE Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt. ALUMNI Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm. Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year. CAMPUS DECOR Up North: Statues of founding fathers. Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners. HOMECOMING QUEEN Up North: Also a Physics Major Down South: Also Miss USA. HEROES Up North: Mario Cuomo Down South: “Bear” Bryant GETTING TICKETS Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets. Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets. FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday. Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday. PARKING Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking. Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday. GAME DAY Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus. TAILGATING Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon. GETTING TO THE STADIUM Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line. Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city. CONCESSIONS Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda. Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot–filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon. WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED Up North: Stands are less than half full. Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony. THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE Up North: Nothing Changes! Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon. COMMENTARY (MALE) Up North: “Nice Play.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” COMMENTARY (FEMALE) Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.” Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!” ANNOUNCERS Up North: Paid. Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. AFTER THE GAME Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

My fighter pilot friend says flying a helicopter is like masterbating. It feels good, but it’s embarrassing if your friends see you doing it.

If a female boxer starts her period during a fight, should her corner throw in the towel?

Been doing a lot of gym work recently and I won my first cage fight the other day…Budgie never knew what hit it!

In our house, we always fight over the right way round to hang the toilet paper, so my therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week…You know, roll reversal!

I’ve just pulled up on the drive to see a thieving bastard run out of our back door and jump the fence…My missus must have put up a good fight though, she was naked, drenched in sweat and could hardly walk!

My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person’s way for a week…You know. Roll reversal!

I’ve given my wife a medieval fighting suit to polish, whilst I go to the pub…She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour!

I’ve just finished reading an excellent book called ‘Fights on a Narrowboat’ by R.G. Bargee.#WorldBookDay

Porn stars must have the best CVs…Babysitter, nurse, doctor, plumber, cop, firefighter!

Just seen a massive fight at a petrol station…15 people arrested in Total!

What do you call an Aardvark that doesn’t like fighting?VarkWhat do you call an Aardvark that does like fighting?WellAardvark

I was in a bar when two fat women came in talking in an interesting accent.I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, Dumbo!”I corrected myself, “My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?”Then the fight started!

My dad gave me some advice a few years ago.He said, “Son, if you ever get into a fight in the pub, just take a ball from the pool table and put it in your sock.”Worst advice ever. I could hardly run!

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex…Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer!

Last night my missus and I had a huge fight about whose turn it was to do the laundry…Finally I folded!

The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 part anthology…Parts A-D are free, but you have to fight for your right to Part E!

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I replied, “Dust!”And that’s when the fight started…

A little boy ran up to me and said, “Please help. My Dad is in a fight.”I followed the boy when we came across two men fighting. I said to the boy, “Ok, which one is your Dad?”“I dunno,” he said. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I’m wide awake…Now I’m not so sure who won that fight!

If you’re going Black Friday shopping, please be a decent person and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights!

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays…Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing…And that’s just to get the fucking remote!

Every Xmas I’d come running downstairs to a big pile of presents & start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys. We’d make up later & sit down for lunch before tv for the rest of the day…I miss working at Royal Mail!

I got so drunk last night that I started a fight with a mop…To be fair, I wiped the floor with him!

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet?I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don’t know either!

I was recently the subject of a joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away.

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel. I won.

If an illegal immigrant and a child molester have a fight.. is it Alien vs Predator?

I’m selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights. Who wants some?

Speculation was rife as to why Vladimir Putin has been missing for the last 10 days. Turns out he had the flu. That’s what happens when you fight cold wars.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

I got into fight with my erection this morning. Don’t worry, I beat it single handedly.

I got into a fight with an artist last night… We drew.

Just watched some Midget Wrestling. It was a short fight.

Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

“It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

Everyone keeps saying “0scars r our Olympics!” O for f*ck sake. And our Pussy Riot is Justin Beiber fighting Shia lebeouf

Hello! Is this the police ? POLICE: Yes! What’s Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What’s wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning…. Hurry!!!

I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn’t fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn’t know. He couldn’t catch it.

Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p*rn. It’s a fight to the finish now.

I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

I refuse to believe that everybody was kung fu fighting. I’m sorry, but there had to be at least a couple people sitting that one out.

Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, “My money’s on the one with the knife.” You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

Behind every great man there’s a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. I’d peak out my window for that.

When I play fighting games I press random buttons and hope for the best.