Fish Jokes

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class: “And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.” (Jonah 1:17 — 2:2, 10) When she had finished reading, the teacher said, “Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?” Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: “You can’t keep a good man down!”

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk panamas.” The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes! Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk panamas like I asked you to do?” “I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, To which the boy replied, “Yes he did. Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”

One day three fishermen were out in a boat in the Gulf of Mexico. They hadnot caught a thing all day when suddenly, one of the fishermen’s polesstarted jerking. He grabbed it and started reeling in his line and shouting,”I got something! I got something!”He had caught a nice fish, about ten inches long. The fishermen were aboutto revel in his accomplishment when the fish shook the hook out of hismouth and transformed into a being, half man and half fish, sporting a crownand holding a trident.”Who are you?” said the frightened fisherman who had caught him.”I AM NEPTUNE, GOD OF THE SEA, AND I AM GOING TO PUT A CURSE ON YOU LOWLYMORTALS! BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY YOUR BOAT WILL SPRING A DOZEN LEAKS! …NO, MAKE THAT A DOZEN AND A HALF!”And with that, he dove back into the waters. As soon as he was gone, thefishermen’s boat had sprung so many leaks they were forced to swim to shore.To this day, they never forgot Neptune’s eighteen-hole Gulf curse.

A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks “Are you the Fish Fryer?” To which the man replies, “No, I’m the Chip Monk”.

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They’d heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.” So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.” Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.” The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?” “Not very well at all,” he said. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.” “You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?” “Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”

Come And Visit Often Pardon Me For Not Getting Up – I Feel Like Lying Down Gone Fishing – Permanently Don’t Come In Yet – Wait Til Later Now Is Not The Time To Ask Me Again There Is Always Lots Of Room Here If You Can’t Say Anything Nice About Me Then Leave Forever A Mess I Must Confess In The Beginning I Was Small, Now I Am Nothing At All If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, You’ll Join Them Here The Only Regrets I Have Are Those Things I Didn’t Do Time Waits For No One But I Wouldn’t Have Minded A Bit Of A Delay I Never Claimed To Know Anything, So Why Am I Here? I wasn’t Always Like This I Never Asked For The Lights To Dim Wishing You Were Here Sad As It Is, I’ll Never Yell At You Again Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, So this old world is made brighter by the lives Of folks like you. — Bonnie Parker (Bonnie and Clyde) John Brown is filling his last cavity. — Dentist’s Tombstone I told you that I was sick! — Georgia Cemetary, USA Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake; Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. — Pennsylvania Tombstone, USA Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me. — Tombstone in England To follow you I’ll not consent, Until I know which way you went. — Written on the tombstone in reply to one above The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. — England Tombstone Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God. — Massachusetts Tombstone Gone away, Owin’ more than he could pay. — England Alien tears will fill for him; Pity’s long-broken ern. For his mourners will be outcast men, And outcasts always mourn. — Oscar Wilde’s Tombstone It was a Cough That carried him Off,It was a Coffin They Carried him Off In “The defense rests” Here lies Johnny Yeast, Pardon me For not rising. Auctioneer:Going! Going!! Gone!!! Effie Jean Robinson: Come blooming youths, as you pass by , And on these lines do cast an eye. As you are now, so once was I; As I am now, so must you be; Prepare for death and follow me. Upon which someone scribbled: To follow you I am not content, How do I know Which way you went. Bill Blake Was hanged by mistake. Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. I would rather be here than in Texas. Here lies the body Of Margaret Bent She kicked up her heels, And away she went. Here he lies, James T. Carson, He blew up his wife, and was hung for arson. Here lies the body of John Round: Lost at sea, and never found.

Q: What kind of bar do fish go to? A: A sand bar.

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, “Hey! What do you have in the bag?” The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, “Well, I’ll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you’ll have to give me one.” The man says, “I’ll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I’ll give you both of them.”

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.” Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself – I’m not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.” Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, “What in the world is that?” Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.” “Fair enough” says the boss. “Second questions, same rules, but represent 99”. Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?” Boudreaux answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n dirty tree ‘n dirty tree – dat 99.” The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.” Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go sir – 100.” The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! got him this time.” He then tells Boudreaux, “Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.” Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35” was the reply. “I’m actually 47 years old” the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is “Oh, you look about 29” This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says “You are 47 years old.” Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?” The old lady replies, “I was behind you in the Chip shop”

Q: Why couldn’t Batman go fishing? A: Because Robin ate the worms.

A rabbi, a priest and a pastor were all in a boat together fishing. The pastor said to the others, “I think I am going to go over to that shore and sit down.” So, he gets out of the boat, walks across the water and sits down on the shore. Then, the priest says to the rabbi, “I think I going to go over there to join him.” So, he does the same as the pastor and sits next to him on the shore. The rabbi thinks to himself, “Well, if they can do it, so can I!” So, he climbs out of the boat, but he falls in the water. The pastor says to the priest, “Do you think we should of told him where the rocks were?”

Some of us Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand: See the list below… OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try. CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it. MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20) You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (April 21 – May 21) When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business. CRAWFISH (May 22 – June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. You are pure in heart. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

The Amazing Magical Snake Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Bob thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop. “But if you already knew, officer,” replied Bob, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Bob’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!” The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job! Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Bob answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?” “I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Bob. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Bob explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.” The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?” Bob said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

What kind of fish has two knees? A tunee fish.

Donna’s husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike’s obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, “How much does an obituary cost?” The undertaker replied, “One dollar per word.” Donna then said, “I want the obituary to read – MIKE IS DEAD.” The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike’s and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, “I’ll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I’ll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket.” Donna’s face lit up and she replied, “Great. I want it to read – MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.”

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager….”

a man walks into a library drunk and says can i have a fish and chips please the woman says sir this is a library and then whispers can i have a fish and chips please

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?” Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… Baptism is referred to as “branding”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… instead of a Bell, you are called to service by a duck call You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if… the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now Ya Hear!”

Q: What did the fisherman say to the card magician? A: Pick a cod, any cod!

Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car then handcuffs her and takes her to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in a huge fish. But as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook the hook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crown and brandishing a three-pronged spear. “Who are you, sir?” quavered one of the fishermen. “I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you! Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks — nay, make that a dozen and a half, for good measure!” With a nasty laugh, Neptune dived over the side and disappeared. The fishermen’s boat got so many holes they had to swim ashore, and from that day to this, they have never forgotten Neptune’s eighteen hole gulf curse.