Glass Jokes

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers and I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder and asks if his bet still good. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded… “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement.” Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlymen. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foo coffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing. Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”The Policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,”Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds “…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation? “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don’t hurt. 3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. 4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That’s what I want to know. Condi: That’s what I’m telling you. George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow’s name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya’ asking me for? Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That’s the man’s name. George: That’s who’s name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he’s dead in the Middle East. Condi: That’s correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don’t want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone

One day, a man had an accident at work, which resulted in him getting his eye gouged out. He was rushed to hospital, and, after awaking from an emergency operation, was told by the doctor that he’d been given a glass eye. The man looked in the mirror to see the result, and was shocked to see that, whereas his original eye colour was blue, his new glass eye was brown. The man was outraged. ”I can’t walk around like this!!” “Sir,” the doctor said, “there is a severe shortage on blue eyes. We had to give you a brown one. If somehow you can get hold of a blue eye, and bring it here to the hospital, we will happily fit it for you.” A few weeks later, the man was driving home from work late one night during a big storm. Suddenly, the car in front of him lost control and skidded off the road before finally hitting a tree. The man screeched to a halt, and ran down the embankment to see if he could help. He found the driver of the car sprawled out over the wreckage, dead as a doornail…with a blue glass eye! As it was so late at night and during such a big storm, noone was about. So the man proceeded to get a screwdriver and removed one of the deceased man’s blue eyes, replacing it with his brown glass eye. He raced down to the local hospital to have the replacement blue eye fitted. A few days later, the man was driving along the same stretch of road when he saw the police examining the crash scene and towing the car wreck away. Concerned to find out if the police were on to him, the man decided to go over to try and see if the police had any leads. “Excuse me, sir,” said the policeman. “Do you know anything about this at all?” “No, constable”, said the man. “Well, we can’t figure this out. Somehow, this bloke managed to drive 40 miles with two glass eyes!”

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~ Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. ~Henny Youngman Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up’. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. ~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn’t even the courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees… Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town… pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. “Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as peculiar as that!” “What’s so peculiar about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

Q: Why do ghouls wear glasses? A: So they don’t bump into other ghouls.

The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink. One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, “hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye”. The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place. A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying “I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head.” Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head. Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. “hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing”. The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking. The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. “Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!” The regular retorted, “yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!”

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing……They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over thehill while wearing sunglasses? Nothing. He did not recognize them.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl. “Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.” They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap…and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies… … “You just happened to catch my eye

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, “Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.” MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?” ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!” DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.” SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!” BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. “Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?” Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.” He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. “But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!” The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest,”bless me,father,for i have sinned. “i was with seven women last night” The priest is silent for a moment,then says “go home and cut seven lemons in half. squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp. “And i’ll be forgiven?” asks the man. “No.” replies the priest ,”but it will wipe that smirk off your face.”

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘the act’. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

Q. Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them? A: A bookstore under fiction. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live. Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found? A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: ‘And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt.’ Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband? A: Tell him you’re pregnant. Q: What can I do for these crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face? A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out. Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car. Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem. Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly? A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon. Q: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses? A: On their foreheads. Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores? A: ‘Gee, I remember these.’

Zack was painting a tilt-in window when the latch gave way and the glass broke on his head. His cuts were minor but the bleeding was profuse. The paramedics arrived with screaming sirens and were followed by two squad cars and an ambulance. After they bandaged the victim’s head, it was decided that he should go with them to the hospital for stitches. As the blood-spattered painter was being led from his house, his wife saw a crowd of onlookers gathered across the street. Never at a loss for words, the wife called loudly to Zack, “Next time you’ll eat what I cook!”

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” “Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife. “I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands ! from 12 different countries: Germany,Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?” “You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. “But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…” “You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T! SIT YOU’RE A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE HE@# UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKA$$?” and…they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story? —

Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass after drinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made of himself.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.” CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet……. Ate the cookies…….. Drank the milk……. sh*t on the paper……. Screwed the other three cats……. Claimed he injured his back while doing so……. Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……. Put in for Workers Compensation……………and Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave………… AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

What do you call a cracked window? A pane in the glass.

Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. You can’t remember…..is pot illegal? A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. You can’t remember…is pot illegal? It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH.” You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. Both you AND your dog have therapists. You can’t remember…… is pot illegal???????

A man walks into the dentist’s office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, “That tooth has to come out. I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” The man grabs the dentist’s arm, “No way! I hate needles. I’m not having any shot!” So the dentist says, “Okay, we’ll have to go with the gas.” The man replies, “Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I’m not having gas.” So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. “Here,” he says, “Take this pill.” The man asks, “What is it?” The dentist replies, “Viagra.” The man looks surprised. “Will that kill the pain?” he asks. “No,” replies the dentist, “but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!”

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. “What seems to be the problem, madam? “I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband, He’s still not seeing things my way.”

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run — anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?” 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created an experiment to make the point. Producing two glasses and two small worms, he first poured a small amount of water into one of the glasses. Putting in the first worm, he asked the class to observe it carefully. Of course, the worm swam about happily — or as happy as a worm can be. Then he took the second glass, poured in a small amount of whiskey and dropped in the remaining worm. This worm writhed around painfully and sank to the bottom of the glass dead. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?”, the teacher asked. One kid had the answer right away, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, “Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me! I’m drawing disability!”

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full…of course, the bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans…we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves…and that you’re now sitting on your biggest ones. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, “Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself…and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the “big” questions — what is life, why am I here…how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice?

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die”. She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow”.

THE PERKS OF BEING OLD 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run — anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?” 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.” The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’. ‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, ‘OK. Just ONE more time, let me show you how it’s done”.

SYMPTOM – Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION – Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM – Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SOLUTION – Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM – Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SOLUTION – You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM – Mouth contains cigarette butts. SOLUTION – You have fallen forward. See above. SYMPTOM – Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SOLUTION – Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM – Floor blurred. SOLUTION – You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM – Floor moving. SOLUTION – You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM – Room seems unusually dark. SOLUTION – Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM – Everyone looks up to you and smiles. SOLUTION – You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM – Beer is crystal-clear SOLUTION – It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him. SYMPTOM – Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. SOLUTION – You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them SYMPTOM – Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in. SOLUTION – You’ve wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM – Your singing sounds distorted. SOLUTION – The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM – Don’t remember the words to the song. SOLUTION – Beer is just right. Play air guitar.

This is a true story.. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car! The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car- jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was completely full of olives, he stumbled out. “Well,” said a customer, “I never saw anything as strange as that!” “What’s so strange about it?” the bartender said. “His wife sent him out for a jar of olives.”

Age Barometer Total the number of these that you remember: 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H; Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi’s 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 You’re still young. If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older. If you remembered 11-15 Don’t tell your age. If you remembered 16-25 You’re older than dirt!.

Things I’ve Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late. 08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J; sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. “Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?” Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.” He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. “But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!” The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”

Q: What did Tarzan shout when he saw the elephants coming up over the hill while wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing. He did not recognize them.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink! Take another drink!!” The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head” clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “He should’ve quit while he was a head!”

You’re Not Old Unless You Can Remember… Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk or sodas. When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone’s mom was home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebread dog. When you reach into a muddy water gutter for a penny. When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed… and did! When you mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking… for free, every time and you didn’t pay for air. And you got trading stamps to boot!

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!” The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: “Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!” Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian teaparty!” The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…make it memorable.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. “Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the diplomat. “A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, “But a man is sitting on the well!”

10. The water-proof towel 9. Glow in the dark sunglasses 8. Solar powered flashlights 7. Submarine screen doors 6. A book on how to read 5. Inflatable dart boards 4. A dictionary index 3. Pedal powered wheel chairs 2. Water proof tea bags 1. Zero proof alcohol

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?” The Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.” As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.” So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: “In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…” Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away…”. Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it…

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?” The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.” “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?” “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

To the Engineer To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered, “Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.” Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” and she replied: “Well, you have no ears.” Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?” The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!”

Little Johnny ‘s next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said “Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all” said Little Johnny. At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby’s hand He looked at it’s mother and said “Oh What a Beautiful little baby”. The mother said “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, “this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?” The Mother said “why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said “well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn’t wear glasses!!!

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” Yes, they help me sleep at night. ” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear,I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. ” You gotta love Grandmas!

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon 10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9. The pews have camper hookups. 8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon. 7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6. The preacher breaks for an intermission. 5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. 4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass. And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon 1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the super bowl” but it’s only September!

Elephant Robbery A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. “You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.” The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?” “What’s the difference?” asked the jeweller. “Well,” said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.” “Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweller. “He had a stocking over his head.”

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.” The guy with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.” The one with the Doberman said, “Just follow my lead.” They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.” The man with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Doberman pinscher?” The man said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.” The bouncer said, “OK then, come on in.” The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he’d try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The man with the Chihuahua said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?” The man with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua??!!!

Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass afterdrinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made ofhimself.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, “the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,” she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!A Everything had been SO incredible! “You know, “he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ” “No,” she replies. . . . . ” “You just happened to catch my eye.”

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example… 1) Ziploc Bags- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) Tire- Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated. 4) Hot Air Balloon- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part. 5) Sponges- Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) Web Page- Female, because it’s always getting hit on. 7) Subway- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) Hammer- Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around. 10) Remote Control- Female…… Ha! You thought it’d be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Throwing glass is wrong in some peoples eyes.

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?” Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.” “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?” “You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war…could you help me?” “Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”

Q: What do you call a cracked window? A: A pane in the glass.

Ways To Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest any time your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Big Mac” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate’s head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, “Hooray! You’re back!” as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, “Shouldn’t you be going somewhere?” 4. Trash the room when your roommate’s not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, “Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again.” 5. Every time you see your roommate yell, “You son of a…” and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 6. Set your roommate’s bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you’ve been watching too much “Punk’d”. Do it again. Tell him/her that you’re not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you’ve been having terrible nightmares. 8. Eat lots of “Lucky Charms.” Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can’t say anything more, or you’ll have to face the consequences. 9. Set up meetings with your roommate’s faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 10. “Drink” a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank. I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was. I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn’t know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. 1. What do you put in a toaster? Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2. 2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk” What do cows drink? Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” don’t attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said “water”, proceed to question 3. 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from? Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said “glass,” go on to Question 4. 4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man’s land”? Answer: You don’t bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you’re a dunce and you must stop. If you said, “You don’t bury survivors”, proceed to the next question. 5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you. PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman. “Sorry,we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. “Darn, he recognized me,” she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. “I would like to buy this TV.” Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed “How do you know I’m a blonde?” “Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.

Someone always jumps in front of me when I’m queuing at Tesco. Today it was a bloke wearing sunglasses…If he does it again I might kick his labrador!

A girl sneezed in the pub & her glass eye flew out & landed in my hand. I took it back to her & we got chatting. After a few beers I took her home & shagged her. When we’d finished I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?” She said, “No. Only those who catch my eye!”

The missus brought home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some.“How hard is it?” I asked.She cheekily replied, “As hard as your knob when you’re thinking about me naked.”I said, “Ok, pour me a glass!”

My wife went ape shit at the babysitter last night coz she sat on my glasses and broke them…I probably should have taken them off first!

I got fired from my job at the eyeglass factory…I fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of myself!

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on!

Boobs are like the sun!Taking a quick look is fine, but staring isn’t…Then again, that’s what sunglasses are for!

I’m not wearing glasses anymore…I’ve seen enough!

It’s my old Mum’s birthday tomorrow and we are having some family around. I know that as we raise our glasses to her, she’ll be looking down on us and smiling…We really must get that stairlift fixed!

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.His wife asks, “What’s that for?”“It’s for your headache.”“I don’t have a headache!”“Fancy a shag then?”

I went to the optician for some new glasses and he said, “I’m sorry, I can’t see you right now.”I’m thinking, maybe he needs some new glasses too!

My missus looks super hot without glasses…That’s why I stopped wearing them!

My girlfriends sister sat on my glasses earlier and broke them. I was really annoyed…But then I thought, it was probably my own fault for leaving them on!

I know it’s hot but the next person that asks me for a pineapple juice a cranberry juice and some lemonade with a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a punch!

A woman on eBay was trying to sell me a pair of knitted sunglasses…But you can’t pull the wool over my eyes!

Now pay attention 007. These Ray Ban sunglasses and Rolex watches are indistinguishable from the real thing…Now go wandering around the bars of Benidorm and try and flog as many as possible!

When I was younger, people told me that by drinking five glasses of milk, I would grow up stronger and be able to move walls…Well now I’m older, I can drink ten pints of beer and the walls move by themselves!

Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?Everybody!

At this time of year, as the family gathers, we raise our glasses to Mum, up there, looking down on us…We really must get that stairlift fixed!

The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”“Why the fuck would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.