Glue Jokes

Fred and Mary get married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, ‘No’. Johnny asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.’ Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ She replies, ‘No.’ Johnny says, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school .’ After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ‘Are Fred and Mary up yet?’ His mom says, ‘No.’ He asks, ‘Do you know what I think?’ His mom replies, ‘Ok, now tell me what you think?’ He says: ‘Last night Fred came t o my room for the Vaseline and I think… I gave him my airplane glue.’

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?” Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.” If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Things I’ve Learned From My Children 01. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 02. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 03. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 04. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 05. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 06. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 07. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late. 08. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 09. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J; sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.” 3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 5. “Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.” 6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” 8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.” 13. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 14. “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.” 15. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 16. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 17. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 18. “He would argue with a signpost.” 19. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.” 20. “He brings joy whenever he leaves the room.” 21. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 22. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 23. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 24. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 25. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 26. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 27. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 28. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 29. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 30. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 31. “It’s hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 32. “One neuron short of a synapse.” 33. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 34. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.” 10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 15. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 16. “He would argue with a signpost.” 17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.” 31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.) –Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side. –Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side). –Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand. –If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check. –On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms. –Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. –Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack. –When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess. –If you send 2 checks they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form. –Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away. –Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped. NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.

Interesting Questions Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you idiot?” Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection…She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!

Someone has glued my pack of cards together…I don’t know how to deal with it!

I met my wife at the glue factory… We bonded immediately!

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection…She’s denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns!

Repaired a puncture with superglue…Now I’m stuck in traffic!

Some idiot glued every card in my deck together so now it’s just a block of cardboard…I’m having trouble dealing with it!

Once again the award for the most stupid act ever was given to a man who glued his hands to the bars on a treadmill. That’s two years running now.

I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

My friend is still angry at me for putting super glue on his dog. He just can’t let it go.

I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

I get so excited over women I have to glue my dick to my leg otherwise it stands up every time I see one…The other day I went on a date, put extra glue on it, knocked on her front door, she opened it wearing the shortest skirt I have ever seen, and I kicked her in the face!

I gave my wife a gluestick instead of lipstick by accident…She’s still not talking to me!

How do you fix a broken tuba ?With a tuba glue.

Someone has glued my pack of cards together…I don’t know how to deal with it.

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection…She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!

One thing I can’t deal with....is a deck of cards glued together.

Just bought a book called 101 Ways to Get Glue Off Your HandsIt’s dreadful, but I can’t put it down!

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick by accident.She’s still not talking to me.

I need help. Someone glued my deck of cards together.I don’t know how to deal with it.