Governor Jokes

Redneck Olympics Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor. The big event is the 100m Sister chase. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents. Urine drug test transformed into “Distance Pissin’ Competition.” Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?’ ‘Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. ‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?

After getting all of The Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse a-me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I’d-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something should-a happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning. “There might be something extra in it for you, “says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. “Please a- slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m-a gonna lose a my licence,” moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need-a to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t a think we wanna do that, he’s a-really important,” said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!” “No, I mean a really important,” said the cop. The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: “Governor?” Cop: “Bigger.” Chief: “President?” Cop: “Bigger” “Bigger than the President? – ridiculous,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” Cop: “I think it’s God!” Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?” Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!!”

The Limo The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.” “Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!” Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.” “Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?” “I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”