Gram Jokes

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program, I call it my 401-Keg program.

ABBOT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office in the den, and I’m thinking of buying a computer. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud. ABBOT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud. ABBOT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don’t know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let’s say I’m sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: If I’m writing a proposal, I’m going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in “office for windows?” ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I’m going to click your big W if you don’t give me a straight answer. Let’s forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I’ll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I’m sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in “office for windows!” ABBOT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don’t want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn’t that illegal? ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it’s great that I’m going to get free money, but I’ll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That’s all very wonderful, but I’ll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOT: If you don’t want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know–accounting? You do it with money. ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOT: More than Money. Money can’t do everything. COSTELLO: I don’t need a sermon! Okay, let’s forget about money for the moment. I’m worried that my computer might… what’s the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: Okay. I’m worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOT: Go Back. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOT: I’ve never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven’t even been anywhere? Okay, I’ll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOT: Word. COSTELLO: But I’ll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there’s three words in … Oh, never mind. ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store: Can I help you?

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an assh*le!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘assh*le’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an assh*le!” It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘assh*le’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with the Caller ID program?” He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an assh*le!” One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window …so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first assh*le, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW assh*le too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” “Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” “What’s your name?” I asked. “My name is Don Hansen,” he said. “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home every evening after five.” “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes?” “Don, you’re an assh*le.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assh*les to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Assh*le #1. “Hello.” “You’re an assh*le!” (But I didn’t hang up.) “Are you still there?” he asked. “Yeah,” I said. “Stop calling me,” he screamed. “Make me,” I said. “Who are you?” he asked. “My name is Don Hansen.” “Yeah? Where do you live?” “Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, assh*le.” Then I called Assh*le #2. “Hello?” he said. “Hello, assh*le,” I said. He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” I said. “I’ll kick your ass,” he exclaimed. I answered, “Well, asshole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.” Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assh*les beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. NOW, I feel better! Anger management at it’s very best.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. “We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.” The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by an Auburn University graduate,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

REVISED HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM FOR SO. CAL. NAME______________________________ GANG NAME_________________________ 1) Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2) Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus’ $800 per day crack habit? 3) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounces will he need? 4) Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes, and 3 4×4’s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900? 5) Raoul got 6 years for murder, he also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? **Extra credit question: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money??** 6) If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight-ounce cans of spray paint? 7) Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up? 8) Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa with one week’s salary? 9) Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked? REMEMBER SAY NO TO DRUGS. GOOD LUCK & NO TALKING.

Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider’s home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3 inch floppy .. … you just hoped nobody ever found out!!

It’s out! Brand new edition of… “You know you’re A redneck when……” 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 5. You think the “nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 20. You can spit without opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side. 24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements. 28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” – -Dave Platt “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” –Bruce Graham “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” –Unknown “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” –Anonymous “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.” –Jeff Valdez “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” — English proverb “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” — Ellen Perry Berkeley “One cat just leads to another.” –Ernest Hemmingway “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” –Mary Bly “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” –Joseph Wood Krutch “People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” –Faith Resnick “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” –Anonymous “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” –Hippolyte Taine “No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” –Unknown “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” –Albert Schweitzer “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” — Ernest Menaul “Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.” “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” –Colette “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” –Missy Dizick “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” –Colonial American proverb “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” –Joseph Wood Krutch “I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic” “My husband said it was either him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.” “Dogs have owners….cats have a staff”.

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00 Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program. I call it my 401-Keg program.

Description Missus manifests as a female humanoid providing cooking/cleaning features, and a sitting-room/TV it is a remote hijacker, targeted at unsuspecting male humanoids. There may be problems with pop-ups. Variants Girlfriend 1.0 was the first variant, targeted at mycash.com, later versions of Girlfriend exploit the same resources using more sophisticated methods. Live_in (any version) uses different profiles and is targeted at mywayoflife.com. Missus 2.7 is the current variant in which the cooking/cleaning/nookie features are much less effective but the resource consumption is two orders of magnitude greater Also known as SWMBO, ‘er indoors, the totty, the little woman. Distribution The Girlfriend variants have sometimes been bundled with got-drunk, went clubbing and chatted_up_sister’s_mate. The parasitic forms (Live-in and Missus) are invariably self-installing, exploiting any firewall deficiencies to immediately grab Administrator privileges and closing out any other Administrator access. What it does Missus is a blended threat and operates phased attack: 1. It progressively closes all access to any competing products. 2. It grabs access to all available resources 3. It uninstalls the “toys and gadgets” folder completely, and then reprogrammes the firewall to block any related addresses. 4. It installs “soft furnishings.dll” and “redecorate.vxd” (the virtual driver being recursed on a 12-month cycle). 5. It closes down un-wanted processes like pubnight, havefun, watchfootie etc. 6. Having achieved the above it spawns new sub-processes to consolidate its control. 7. It may install parasitic programmes and spyware like In-Laws 1.0 Privacy violation Only for the first few months – after that it prohibits any violation of its privacy. Security issues Yes, your security of title and tenure is severely threatened by the prospect of CPA.VXD. Stability problems Very unstable – prone to spontaneous breakdown without cause. Recovery only possible by allocating ever more resources and granting greater privileges. These steps are non-reversible. Removal Generally regarded as impossible, although some have succeeded through faking death or assuming a new identity. Links Only for the first few months – then discouraged or prohibited.

A blonde was listening to Two men at a party talking about the recent space program. not wanting to be left out the blonde pipes up and says ” I’d like to be the first woman to land on the sun” The one fellow asks “don’t you mean the moon?” The blonde replys “theres already been a man on the moon, I’d like to be the first woman to land on the sun.” The other fellow asks in a puzzled tone “don’t you think you’d burn up before you got there?” The blonde replys “DUUUUUUAAH, I’d go at night!!!!!!!!!”

The Law of Volunteering” If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. “The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. “The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist. “The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. “The Law of Self Sacrifice” When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. “Weiler’s Law” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself. “Law of Probable Dispersal” Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. “Law of Volunteer Labor” People are always available for work in the past tense. “Conway’s Law” In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. “Iron Law of Distribution” Them that has, gets. “Law of Cybernetic Entomology” There is always one more bug. “Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor. “Heller’s Law” The first myth of management is that it exists. “Osborne’s Law” Variables won’t; constants aren’t. “Main’s Law” For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. “Weinberg’s Second Law” If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realised what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you can catch me you can have me.” Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “I’m Francis. If I catch you, you’re mine…”.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine. 10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions. 11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , “If you can catch me, you can have me.” Without a second thought , he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me” Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot”. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her ; but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze , so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you’re mine.”

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to a mosque doesn’t make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. When the instructor said, “Compile,” Gomer went to the head of the class.

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. “It’s the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it.” She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, “I’d like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer.” The man behind the counter tells her, “Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word.” She thinks about it for a moment and decides. “I’d like to send one word, please.” “And what word would that be?” inquires the man. “Comfortable.” replies the brunette. The man asks, “I’m sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?” The brunette replies, “My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL.”

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. o.. Eat well, stay fit–die anyway. p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator. y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom. z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Funny helpdesk chat transcripts: Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one… ——————————————————————– Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note ….” Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ———————————————————— Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and .. Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates! ——————————————————————– Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it… ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It’s not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening… ——————————————————————– Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ——————————————————————- A customer couldn’t get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer. ——————————————————————– Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ——————————————————————– Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

The residents of Mayberry took a course in computer programming. Whenthe instructor said, “Compile,” Gomer went to the head of the class.

Dear employee: As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.). We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT . you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us! The Management

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes. The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate… The grandmother says, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Written by Phil Maggitti Going to War with the Army that We Want. WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced yesterday that with the holiday season at an end he will mobilize selected units of the Salvation Army in order to boost troop levels in Iraq. The designated units-the 15th Strip Mall Patrol and the 17th Kmart Brigade-will receive eight weeks of intensive training prior to being deployed. “The Salvation Army has a proud history of serving pastries and hot coffee to battlefield troops since World War I,” said the president, “but desperate measures call for desperate times and vice versa. Therefore, I have authorized the establishment of Operation Kettle Korps, a program that will train members of the Salvation Army for combat duty.” At a brief question-and-answer session following this announcement, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked the president whether Operation Kettle Korps amounted to a back door draft. “No,” said Bush. “These units are already in the army, aren’t they?” Embattled secretary of defense Donald Rumsfeld, taking time out from hand-writing letters of condolence to the families of soldiers killed recently in Iraq, praised the decision to mobilize the Salvation Army. “Do I think this is a good idea?” asked Rumsfeld, jabbing the air with his calligraphy pen for emphasis. “Of course I do. It’s about time we went to war with the army that we want. If ever there was an army with God on its side, the Salvation Army is it. Besides, we undermine troop morale if some members of the army are getting their guts shot out while others are standing around asking, ‘Decaf or regular?’” John Larsson, the Salvation Army’s general, also endorsed the mobilization. Larrson spoke with reporters on Kettle Force 1, his army’s private jet, while on his way to South Asia. “I have received a number of inquiries from our soldiers who were itching to kill a few terrorists for Christ,” he said. “I’m happy that Jesus has seen fit through his minister on earth to give them their chance. Christ be supreme.” The first contingent of Operation Kettle Korps troops is scheduled to arrive at Fort Benning, Georgia, on January 15. After they have been trained and sent to Iraq, Salvation Army members currently serving pastries and coffee to troops will return to the United States for military training. Their duties in Iraq will be assumed by members of Arnie’s Army, a private noncombat force maintained by golfer Arnie Palmer. In related news, Tiger Woods said that his army was “not up to fighting right now, as we’ve been in a slump recently.” Woods said that as soon as his members had worked out the kinks in their bayonet swing, they would be “ready for the majors.”

Investment tips for 2006…. for all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2006. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally 9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Q: What does a PASCAL programmer say to a C programmer? A: “Would you like fries with that?”

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It appears to primarily affect those who were born prior to 1960. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. 3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. 6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished. 7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.” 8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.” It is called the “C-Nile” Virus.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey,we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know,honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the ‘Rowing Team Quality First Program,’ with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was out-sourced to India Sadly, the End. Sad, but oh so true! Here’s something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can’t make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter’s results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads. IF THIS WASN’T SO SAD IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start. The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree…and think 25 to life would be appropriate. –Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. –Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s’ new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. –Conan O’Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. –Jay Leno Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. –David Letterman Q: What was the most positive result of the “Cash for Clunkers” program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. –David Letterman

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Me: Hello. AT&T;: Hello, this is AT&T.; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T.; Me: This is AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes. This is AT&T.; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes! This is AT&T.; May I speak to Mr. Salem please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T;: This is AT&T.; Me: Ok, hold on. At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 2 or 3 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T;: Is this Mr. Salem? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T.; Me: Is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, this is AT&T.; Me: This is AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, is this Mr. Salem? Me: Yes, is this AT&T;? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.; AT&T;: Yes, sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T;: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem. Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested,” but this lady was persistent. AT&T;: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate.” I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day? AT&T;: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day! Me: Seven days a week? AT&T;: That’s right. Me: Three hundred and sixty-five days a year? AT&T;: Yes, sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!! AT&T;: We think so! Me: That’s quite a sum of money! AT&T;: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up. Me: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T;: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T;: What are you talking about? Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making the payment. AT&T;: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T;? AT&T;: Well, yes, this is AT&T;, sir, but… Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T;: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for… Me: There you go again! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T;: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T;: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T;: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold. So, now AT&T; has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food… Supervisor: Mr. Salem? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T;) Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: OK, no problem. I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T;: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan. Me: Do you have that ‘friends and family’ thing, because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother. AT&T;: (click)

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy) “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!” “Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your assh*le before prison….”

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A little while into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a frustrated look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, “Leave me alone!” They both jumped back, silenced. “Whaaa??” the teacher blubbered. Then I typed, “I said leave me alone!” The kid got really upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: “Don’t touch me!” Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.” Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, “COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!” He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, “OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds.” As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, “Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license.” So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers – computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” says the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em!”

Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba: Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles…’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’ Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!

Pet Shop Monkeys A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?” “Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to “spot” for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: “Spotting” for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It’s an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you’re going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain. Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time. Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you? A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life…

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received the following reply: National Defence Headquarters MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada Dear Concerned Citizen, Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him. Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter. Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be watching. Good luck and God bless you. Cordially, Gordon O’Connor

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province. “We are recalling all the new Newfoundland quarters that were recently issued,” Canadian Mint Deputy Minister Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.” The quarters were issued in the order in which the various provinces joined Confederation. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’ ‘I know,’ the old man said. ‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’ ‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’ Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. ‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’ ‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Ways to Get Your Neighbor to Move 1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. 2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!” Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones. 3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (i.e., chairs, books, lamps, etc.) 4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say, “Mine are full of bodies,” then stutter and say, “I uh mean other garbage,” walk away laughing hysterically. 5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards. 6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, “looks like they’re on the move again.” 7. When they’re watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too. 8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a different part of their body. 9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the program the better.) 10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it. 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran? 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded. 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. 9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging. 10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock. 11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though. 12. It was so different before everything changed. 13. Some day’s you’re the dog, and some day’s you’re the hydrant. 14. Nostalgia isn’t what it use to be. 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M”, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits? Teaching Math in 1980:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996:By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997:A company out sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000,had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998:A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company? Teaching Math in 1999:A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people was trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. At 00:01, 01/01/2000 his cell door automatically opened and he escaped. Should he be allowed to log again? Maybe this should be renamed “progress” ? ? Teaching Math in 2000:In order to clear over grown forest, the U.S. Forest Service sets the forest on fire. A process they call Prescribed Burn. The fire gets out of control and burns peoples homes and threatens a Nuclear Development Center. The Tax payer has to pay to fight the fire. Would logging this area have been a better solution????

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.’” The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable’?” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it very slow.”

Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. “We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued,” Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. “This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices”. The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. “The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate,” Shackleford said. “Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices.”

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television 10. When you turn on your television, you’ll hear “You’ve got Pay Per View”. 9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won’t work. 8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal. 7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled. 6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can’t cancel, no matter how hard you try. 5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television. 4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive. 3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz…. again. 2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don’t have a “real” cable company like they do. 1. “You’ve been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated.”

Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex” Duct tape won’t fix that. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can’t feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe. Wrasslin’s fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We’re vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who’s Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso. The tires on that truck are too big. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk. Unsweetened tea tastes better. Would you like you fish poached or broiled? My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. I believe you cooked those green beans too long. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Moonbeam. Elvis who?

New Math Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….) 52 cards: 1 decacards 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Things You WON’T Hear Down South I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. Duct tape won’t fix that. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. We don’t keep firearms in this house. Who cares who won the Civil War? You can’t feed that to the dog. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today. Trim the fat off that steak. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe. Honey, we don’t need another dog. Would you like your fish poached or broiled? Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? Wrestling is fake. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. The tires on that truck are too big. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts, and would you please bring my salad dressing on the side? Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen. I don’t have a favorite college team. You All. Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.

Omicrom B is an anagram of No Crimbo

The bloke who invented anagrams passed away today…May he erect a penis!

I wonder if Spanish people sit around and watch a programme called ‘A place in the pissing rain’…

Son: “Why is my sister called Teresa?”Dad: “Because your mum loves Easter – it’s an anagram!”Son: “Thanks dad.”Dad: “No problem Alan!”

I’d never sign up to a human-cloning programme…I don’t think I could live with myself!

Did you know that an anagram of Rishi Sunak is Hi Risk Anus!

When our lass told me there’d be no more Neighbours after last night, I thought she meant the couple next door were moving…I wish she had made it clear that she meant the fucking television programme before I admitted to shoving dog shit through their letterbox!

My English teacher said that if I can think of an anagram of the word ‘rustle’, she’ll let me feel her tits…Result!

My wife moans at me to say I did’ instead of I done’ because it’s not proper grammar. Easier said than did.

When it comes to anagrams, I don’t know my earholes from my arsehole.

Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV watching a program about NASA. “I wish I could be shot into space” he said. “You would have been if your father had done what he was told” replies his mother.

How do you console someone with bad Grammar Skills ? There, Their, They’re.

I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. When I woke up I was, like, 0mg!

Trying to find an anagram for mobile piss’ is impossible.

Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb crap

Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

Rules for texting a girl: 1. Don’t take 40 minutes to reply. 2. Use good grammar. 3. Ask Questions. 4. Use the face.

Dear People of The World, I don’t mean to sound slutty but use me whenever you want. Sincerely, Proper Grammar.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

It’s mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too… How do you expect him to Instargram the food?

If you can’t win an argument, correct their grammar.

It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal… Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram.

Instagram is down! I’m freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???

Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

If you are talking to me and I appear as if I’m attentively listening, I’m probably just silently correcting your grammar in my head.

The best part of the Grammys was Justin Bieber not performing

I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.

WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.

It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.

Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it’s a huge violation of their privacy then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.

There’s a new channel called DOG TV that offers 24 hours of programming to entertain dogs while their owners are gone. My dog doesn’t want to watch TV I just got him an iPad.

Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb shit.

Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.

1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram

Grammar: The difference between feeling you’re nuts, and feeling your nuts.

Instagram says it now can sell your pics without your permission. Good luck making money with pictures of Cups of coffee, Cupcakes & clouds.

I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

I blame instagram for making these basic b*tches think that they’re “models” in real life.

Uhm, excuse me waiter… I’d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

I don’t have Instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.

The best thing about Twitter & Instagram is that every girl finally gets to be a princess, or a _princess, or even a prin_cess.

People Don’t even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Instagram

Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”

I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.