Graphic Jokes

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. 17. Every calendar’s days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Classes for Men Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays for 3 weeks. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours. Class 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open Forum. Monday Class 8: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays. Location to be determined. Class 9: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.

18. If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!” 17. Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an asshole. 16. Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings.” 15. The proctologist called…they found your head. 14. Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film. 13. Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date. 12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 11. I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off. 10. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 9. Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one. 8. Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people “Everybody But Me.” 7. Heart Attacks..God’s revenge for eating His animal friends. 6. Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me. This one is for L_G, hehe. 5. If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you.. 4. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 3. Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. 2. Hang up and drive!! AND THE NUMBER ONE BUMPER STICKER YOU’D LIKE TO SEE!! 1. Welcome to America…now speak English

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot. * Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control. * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. * All men are idiots, and I married their King. * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. * Montana — At least our cows are sane! * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. * Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs. * Where there’s a will, I want to be in it. * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check? * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. * I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students. * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have. * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. * Give me ambiguity or give me something else. * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t. * Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word? * Keep honking…I’m reloading * 2 Kings 9:20 *Dain bramaged. *Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway *Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel *Boldly going nowhere *CAUTION – Driver legally blonde! *Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends *He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged *How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? *All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won’t be. 5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 10. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts the better. 11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 14. A room temperature IQ. 15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 16. A gross ignoramus-144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 18. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 19. Bright as Alaska in December. 20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 22. Fell out of the family tree. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere. 24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. He is so dense, light bends around him. 26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. 29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 31. One neuron short of a synapse. 32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled. 33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program. 34. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 35. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.” 3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.” 5. “Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.” 6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.” 8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.” 13. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 14. “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.” 15. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 16. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 17. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 18. “He would argue with a signpost.” 19. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.” 20. “He brings joy whenever he leaves the room.” 21. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 22. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 23. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 24. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 25. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 26. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 27. “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 28. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 29. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 30. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 31. “It’s hard to believe that he/she beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 32. “One neuron short of a synapse.” 33. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 34. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

God summons St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I’m going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.” St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him. He says, “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven.” Freddie Mercury says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.” Gianni Versace says, “I was Earth’s greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions — long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.” Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!” Freddie and Gianni are mortified. “What’s going on here?” Freddie cries. “We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t!” St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF’D UP? Everyone has a photographic memory; it’s just that some of us are out of film. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while your ahead”?! If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Q: What do you call an earthquake fault? A: A topographical error.

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations: 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.” 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.” 10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.” 13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.” 14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.” 15. “He’s been working with glue too much.” 16. “He would argue with a signpost.” 17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.” 18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.” 19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.” 20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.” 21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.” 22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.” 23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” 24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.” 25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.” 26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.” 27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.” 28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.” 29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.” 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.” 31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Beatles Computer Song – Let It Be When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: Write in C. As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers: Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C. LOGO’s dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, For science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours, Debugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad to Write in C. Write in C, Write in C, Write in C, yeah, Write in C. BASIC’s not the answer. Write in C. Write in C, Write in C Write in C, oh, Write in C. Pascal won’t quite cut it. Write in C.

I’ve been developing a photographic memory.

It’s a sad day when you watch National Geographic and realize oysters have a better sex life than you.

Hey Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed.

I used to read comic books, but I stopped…They’re far too graphic.